Engineer puns

Shoot out all your engineer/engineering puns, fellas!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/punsnproses
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2012
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I bought a new-build house!

When I walked in the place was great, everything was perfect apart from the kitchen. There were gas mains but no cooker! Work surfaces and water pipes, but no sink; empty plugs and spaces for where the fridge and freezer should sit.

When I bought the house I was told it was fully furnished! Furious, I called up intending to give whomever answered an earful.

I was told that everything should be arriving individually, and the house is being used as an experiment for completely autonomous, self thinking kitchen appliances!

Before I could reply there was a knock on the door. I opened it and a stove strolled in, tilted forward in a bow, slid past me and set itself into its spot! Even attaching itself to the gas mains!

Later that day another knock at the door signalled the arrival of the fridge and freezer.(who had travelled together) They bowed and sat themselves perfectly in place in my new kitchen. I was beaming!

That evening I was explaining to my wife how the appliances had arrived, when came another knock at the door. β€œThis technology is going to change the world, I swear it!” I told her. β€œCan you answer the door? I’ve been on my feet all day”

β€œYeah,” she replied, less enthusiastic than I,β€œbut it’ll get to a point when humans are completely inferior.” She explained β€œWhen these machines develop such sentience, what’s stopping them from overthrowing us?” β€œTreating us as slaves, like we to them now?” She asked, distraught at theses ideas.

Knock knock

β€œIt’s best not to worry about these things,” I said in an attempt to alleviate her fears.

β€œThere are people- professionals developing contingencies for any possible future robot uprising!” β€œThat future you’re frightened about is purely science fiction right now, and the way our collective knowledge and application of technology has advanced, (Even in the past 50 years!) our own scientists and engineers will be able to crush any worries we may have when the time comes.” I explained.

She sighed, agreeing somewhat reluctantly. β€œDon’t think on it now, have some faith!” I told her.

Knock knock

β€œNow let that sink in!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/olemonheado
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2021
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Be impressed about my top-floor DIY walk-in closet for my denim wear.

You can call me a jean attic engineer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/twisted7ogic
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2021
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Have you heard of the giant shoe tower?

I heard it was a big feet of engineering

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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I bought a car that runs on alcohol instead of gas

It has a tonic engine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/riWHATulous
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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Optimist: "That cup is half full."

Pessimist: "That cup is half empty." Engineer: "Why are we making the cups so big?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mikethelabguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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How do you measure the power of love?

In jewels It's an engineering joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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I was having problems with the printer at work last week and I had to ring the engineer. I told him that I kept putting paper in to the printer but the display kept saying it just can't get enough...

The engineer said "ah yes.... it's stuck in Depeche Mode"....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobbylake71
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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What's a monkey's favourite TV show?

Thomas the Orangu-Tank Engine!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DecIsMuchJuvenile
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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You know I hate engineer students sometimes

For example I hate it when engineer students call themself engineers like you don't hear med students calling themself doctors or art students calling themself unemployed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/worthrone11160606
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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An unemployed engineer opens a clinic..

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tonheatz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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A fella from Alaska moved to San Diego and asked how he'd summerize his car

I told him four wheels, a seat and an engine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirty_boris
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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While traveling internationally , I purchased a new car made in Prague for pretty cheap...

When I first started it, the Czech engine light came on!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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What do you call someone who clones trains?

A genetic engineer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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My mate has a fear of over-engineered buildings. He has a complex complex complex

He went to the psychiatrist and he discovered it was more than just a fear. He has a complex complex complex complex

The Doctor sent him to a specialised centre.. It was the complex complex complex complex complex.

Unfortunately, it was an over-engineered building. Yes, it was a complex complex complex complex complex complex.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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What technology powers Satan's car?

The infernal combustion engine

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DatJayblesDoe
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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3 engineers were arguing about who designed the human body

1: it has to be a CompSci engineer, judging by the brain’s complexity

2: you’re wrong, it was a Mechanics engineer, look at the muscle and skeleton systems working as one

3: you’re both wrong, it was an Urban Planner, otherwise waste and entertainment areas wouldn’t be adjacent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AstharothaZe
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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One that came to me in a 3am epiphany. Better when spoken aloud.

There’s two astronauts on a shuttle. It’s going smoothly when one astronaut noticed something wrong with the engine. He turns to the other and says β€œHey, something seems to be wrong with the engine. You think this could be fatal?” The other astronaut replies:

β€œAs tro hope naut.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arachnica
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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I bought a wooden car today.

Wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden wheels, wooden seats, put the wooden key in the wooden ignition.

Wooden start.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rafapex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
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"If you can dream it then you CONDUIT"

Engineering Humor Quote #3411

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allaboutcircuits
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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What’s a problem solver’s favorite kind of jewelry?

EngineEARRING

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crusselll
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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"Knock knock." Who's there?

Your engine's cylinder.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ConfidentDuck1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Cold never bothered me anyway...

It was my son's birthday, and we were doing a Thomas the Tank Engine theme. Went to the party supplies shop, and one of the things we got for the party was a helium balloon with Thomas on it. Gave it to him, told him to hold on to it, otherwise it would float up into the sky, all the way to the moon as Peppa Pig phrases it.

Anyway, I'm looking around and I notice something weird... there are Transformers helium balloons, Peppa Pig helium balloons, Barbie helium balloons, Thomas of course, various superheroes... but I notice the complete absence of Elsa and Anna on these balloons. But Frozen must be the most popular theme ever for girl's birthday parties, I would have thought. So why no Frozen helium balloons?

I asked at the counter, and they told me that they used to have them, but they got too many complaints. Apparently every time a parent gave the balloon to a kid, she'd just let it go...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cman_yall
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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Do you want to hear a mean joke?

A physicist, an engineer and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They see a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance to the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, he fires but misses five feet to the left.

The engineer says he forgot to account for the wind, takes the rifle, aims and misses five feet to the right. The statistician claps and says "we got him!".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LGriff13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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Bought a broken plane

I came scross a guy selling a plane for cheap. The catch is that it had a bad engine. Well I'm no pilot, yet I am a decent cook. So I gutted the inside and converted into a diner. Im really excited, yet I fear it will never take off.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TopGoodman
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
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What kind of ears do trains have?

Engineers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tinytinyspaghetti
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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I saw some people building a new bridge near me and every lunch break, they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins…

It was very civil engineering…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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A teenager's car won't start out at the mall one night

He tries everything he knows to do, but finally calls his father for help.

Mom and Dad come up to mall parking lot, dad gets into the car, turns the key once, and the engine roars to life.

The teenager is shocked at how easy it was.

"Dad! What did you do differently? I tried everything!"

"It was easy son. I'm wearing my cargo shorts."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ezra611
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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Looking for pun for my beer

Hey redditors, I need your wit for a good cause,

I'm gonna graduate in less than two weeks and in my country (Italy) is traditional to give a token to those who attend the graduation and for that reason I've decided to brew some beers and give a bottle each. I'm now in the process of deciding the name of my beer and I would like to have something witty and cool but have no idea.

The possible themes would be graduation (or laurea in italian), bioengineering, biomedical engineering, engineering or, best of all, BOOBS (or any synonym) as that's the theme of my master thesis.

Thanks in advance for any help I'll get

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Azkabainemule
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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What’s the difference between an engine and my girlfriend?

An engine can suck, squeeze, bang, blow, but my girlfriend can’t as she doesn’t exist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spacedynasaur
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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I woke up this morning and found that two of my car wheels had somehow fallen off.

I immediately thought it was the best idea to check if at least the engine was still able to run before deciding to get a mechanic to assess the situation. I put the key in and gave it a go but I got nothing

I guess the car was two tired.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/irieball
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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A car cruising down a rural country suddenly backfires.

As the engine sputters and shuts down the woman driving the car steers toward a nearby driveway and honks the horn hoping to get the attention of a guy herding cattle in the distance. Sure enough within a minute the man has ridden his horse over to her. He dismounts and gives a happy β€œHello! Sounds like you’re having some car trouble. Can I help at all?” The woman replies that she’s not sure what happened but that she would love some help. They pop the hood and the man says he thinks he can fix the problem but has to run back to his barn to get some tools. The cows have come to see what’s going on and as the farmer gets ready to leave he says β€œDon’t worry about your car. I’ll have it running in a few minutes. Just head over there to the shade of the tree by the fence. The cows are all friendly. Bessy there likes to have her ear rubbed, Albert likes to look at people, and Mare will just moo a grand ole tune.” All of it is true and within 20 minutes the woman is happily sitting in her car with the engine running better than before. β€œThank you so much, you’re a life saver,” she says. The man smiles and lets out a big laugh before saying β€œI’m glad I could help. But I’m no life saver. I’m just a jolly rancher.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foyeldagain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harry_Mote
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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Why don’t Russians ride motorcycles?

When they ride the the engine keeps on Stalin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmynuron
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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Did you hear about the skyscraper that split in half?

The engineers say the contractors didn't build it to specifications. The contractors say the engineers didn't design it right.

All I know is that there are 2 sides to every story.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/literally_a_brick
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
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Three Dad Jokes on the way to school this morning.

So, we're driving up a tree-lined street where people often have wedding/family photos taken. It's lined with live oaks and is pretty beautiful. That prompted this conversation.

12 y/o daughter: Why do people sometimes get their wedding photos taken on train tracks? That doesn't make sense.

Me: Because they choo-choose to? [with a debt to Ralphie Wiggam]

6 y/o daughter (Loud groan): Papi, that's a terrible joke.

Me: So you think you could engineer a better one if I train you?

12 y/o: Dad why do you always make these awful jokes?

Me: Because I've got loco motives!

At that point I started laughing so hard I couldn't come up with anymore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2015
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My 2 year old is playing with Lego and I said "are you going to be an engineer?" my wife says we always need more engineers!

I said "yeah, engines are quite deaf"

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Car crash (dark humor)

Car:*Crashes and engine starts setting on fire*

My dad: *escapes burning car*

Me: *Stuck*

Me:"DAD QUICK HELP I'M STUCK AND THE CAR IS GONNA BLOW SOON"

My dad:"Hi Stuck im dad"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sadkkman123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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The stars are bright

My dad is a Navy Vietnam vet who is about to be a retired GM electrical engineer. He is retiring against his will because he has had three strokes, colon cancer, a pulmonary embolism, necrotic esophagus, renal failure, pneumonia, basically a medical shitstorm and he survived it all. In the process, he has lost a lot of memory and quite a bit of his cognitive abilities and furthermore, his balance. However, when I took out the trash tonight at nearly half past ten, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful the stars looked outside tonight. So upon returning, I told my mom and dad "The stars sure are bright tonight. They look amazing." To which my dad then asked, "You know why they're so bright, right?" Now I'm an amateur astronomer. Hell, my first and only telescope was inherited to me by my mother who got it from her father. So knowing its winter and I live in Michigan, I tell my father, "Because its so cold and dry, the star light isn't blocked as much?" His reply; "No. Its because the sun went down. So now its darker outside." Dad: 1. Me: -5.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hyperbattleship
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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You know I hate engineer students sometimes.

For example I hate it when engineer students call themself engineers like you don't hear med students calling themself doctors or art students calling themself the next hitler

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πŸ‘€︎ u/worthrone11160606
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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How do locomotives hear?

Through the engineers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyJelloJiggles
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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How do trains hear?

Engineers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Exotic_Breadstick
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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