How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in your frying pan?
You take away their little brooms
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︎ Jan 09 2022
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?
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︎ Jan 05 2022
A little boy came running up to me and said, "Please help, my dad is in a fight!" I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, "Which one's your dad?!" He replied, "I don't know."
"That's what they're fighting about."
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︎ Jan 07 2022
I asked my daughter, "If thereโs a bee in my hand, whatโs in my eye?" Rolling her eyes, she said, "I give up. What?"
"Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder!"
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︎ Jan 06 2022
This just in from my daughter: What do you live in if you live in Antarctica?
Ice-olation.
She's only eleven and says she came up with that by herself. I'm so proud ๐ญ๐ญ๐ญ
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︎ Jan 08 2022
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, โHa! Thatโs not going to help!โ I replied, โSure, it does.โ
โItโs the only way I can see the numbers.โ
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︎ Dec 22 2021
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
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︎ Jan 03 2022
My son was born yesterday and is in the NICU. [META]
What are your best dad jokes? Whoever tells me the funniest one will have the honor of knowing their dad joke was my first as a dad.
Edit: there are two winners.
The first is one I told to my wife. It is about him being born with 4 kidneys but two of them will become adult knees. Thank you u/cabbithunt
The second I told me son. "There are two fish in a tank. One fish looks at the other and says 'I'll drive you man the guns.'" Thank you u/kiabe1
Edit 2: After two weeks in the NICU, we have convinced the doctors to let us upgraded to the wireless home version. Thank you all for your well wishes and jokes.
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︎ Dec 09 2021
Well in that case
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︎ Jan 06 2022
Shouldn't a Hershey bar with nuts in it . . .
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︎ Dec 20 2021
How do you measure the magnitude of the pun in a dad joke?
With a sighsmograph
Edit: Wow, you guys, Thank-you the the awards and upvotes. If only my family appreciated this joke as much as you do!
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︎ Jan 03 2022
What do you call a cop in bed? (Lord help me)
๐︎ 7k
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︎ Dec 08 2021
Why do teachers fart in class?
Because they arenโt private tutors.
One of my students shared that with me yesterday and it made me smile because I had just crop dusted the back of the room.
Itโs my cake day. Be nice.
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︎ Dec 23 2021
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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︎ Dec 04 2021
What does the โA&Wโ in A&W Restaurant stand for?
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︎ Jan 07 2022
What's the least spoken language in the world?
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︎ Dec 20 2021
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years, but they're having a really hard time...
...putting their case together.
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︎ Dec 30 2021
In Egypt, they have discovered a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts.
They think it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
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︎ Jan 02 2022
I was in a taxi today and the driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do."
Then I said: "Turn left here."
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︎ Jan 05 2022
What do you call a policeman in his bed?
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︎ Jan 02 2022
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
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︎ Dec 08 2021
When my wife is depressed I let her color in my tattoos.
She just wants a shoulder to crayon.
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︎ Dec 12 2021
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals.
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︎ Dec 04 2021
I posted this in a different sub and was told people here would enjoy it
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︎ Jan 01 2022
Iโm finally upgrading from 1080p to 4K in January.
Itโs my new years resolution.
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︎ Dec 24 2021
I can sum up 2021 in one word
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︎ Dec 21 2021
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 1080p?
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︎ Jan 06 2022
My daughter was having a pretend dinner party with her new Christmas present teddy bear, when she asked, โDo you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?โ In my best bear voice, I replied...
โNo thanks, Iโm stuffed!"
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︎ Dec 26 2021
My biggest talent is always being able to tell what's in a wrapped present.
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︎ Jan 04 2022
How was Rome split in two?
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︎ Jan 04 2022
My deaf wife kept talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eyes out!
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︎ Dec 21 2021
What starts with E, ends with E, but has only one letter in it?
๐︎ 8k
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︎ Nov 03 2021
There's only one thing girls want. It starts with a P and ends in an S.
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︎ Nov 14 2021
An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, โI hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.โ
โDad, what are you talking about?โ the son screams.
โWe canโt stand the sight of each other any longer,โ the father says. โWeโre sick of each other and Iโm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.โ
The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. โLike heck theyโre getting divorced!โshe shouts, โIโll take care of this!โ
She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, โYou are NOT getting divorced. Donโt do a single thing until I get there. Iโm calling my brother back, and weโll both be there tomorrow. Until then, donโt do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?โ and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. โSorted! Theyโre coming for Christmas โ and theyโre paying their own way"
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︎ Nov 22 2021
What language do people speak in the middle of the earth?
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︎ Jan 01 2022
What do you call Father Christmas in an orange suit?
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︎ Dec 20 2021
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that itโs perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but heโs not buying it. In fact...
...heโs still making fun of me.
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︎ Dec 28 2021
My co workers canโt stand working with me at the sperm bank because every time a new customer walks in I canโt help but say
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︎ Dec 06 2021
I was standing naked in front of the mirror this morning and thought...
I'm going to get kicked out of this IKEA.
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︎ Jan 01 2022
I saw on Reddit that 30 percent of people allow their pets to sleep in bed with them. I decided to try it...
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︎ Dec 14 2021
Why can't Jesus work in a kitchen?
Because of cross contamination.
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︎ Jan 08 2022
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car getsโฆ
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︎ Jan 07 2022
Fun fact - cavemen didn't live in caves
They actually lived in Unga bungalows
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︎ Jan 02 2022
What is the dumbest letter in the alphabet?
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︎ Oct 13 2021
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because theyโre really good at it.
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︎ Dec 21 2021
Can we ban the jokes that only work in written form?
๐︎ 7k
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︎ Nov 05 2021
I've been rubbing ketchup in my eyes every day for the past month.
In heinz-sight, probably wasn't a good idea.
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︎ Jan 06 2022
What word starts with E and ends with E, but only has one letter in it?
๐︎ 9k
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︎ Oct 24 2021
What do you call a cop in a bed? (Lord help me)
Pig in a blanket ๐โ๐ญ๐ท
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︎ Dec 09 2021
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