U Understand Puns

Kleptomaniacs don’t really understand puns ... they take everything literally.

Mom(butting in): I think it's a Word processor...

Keep in mind English is my mom's second language and used to not understand puns or dry humor at all. I want to say I'm proud but I'm not sure that's how it works..

The first muffin says "Damn! It's hot in here!"

The second muffin looks and says "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

(Being honest here. Not a dad. I'm a mom and my kids hate this joke!! I'll understand completely if y'all do too!)

Me: mumbles I did not understand this chapter about electricity...
My friend: Watt?

They’re just such lightwooded jokes but I understand that it doesn’t teaks everyone’s fancy. I’m running out of tree puns so I might have to branch off to other puns or spruce up my current ones

Only a fraction of people will understand this

Those who understand binary and those who don’t.

I don't understand why he was so disappointed. He told me he wanted the new cod

Non-binary people will be able to understand it.

I don't understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals

It's totally pointless!

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

Apparently I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation I was in

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

Tarzan: Me no understand. You win beauty pageant?

Teacher: “So I want everyone to understand that a dead body isn’t disgusting, and we need to be able to handle it and always be observant at all times when dealing with one”

The teacher has everyone turn their body over

Teacher: “Now I want you all to stick your finger in it’s ass and hold it in there for a moment”

all of the students do as instructed, hesitant at first

Teacher: “Okay, now go ahead and pull your finger out and then put a finger in your mouth like I do”

The students getting a little disgusted by that request REALLY hesitated at first, but eventually they all did as he asked

As the teacher has all of his students with their finger in their mouth, he tells the class, “now see it’s not disgusting if you did it right...if you put your index finger in the ass, and put your middle finger in your mouth like I did, you have just passed my class”.

With minimal observance, and a dead silent room...not one student passed the pop quiz

Only 5/3rds truly understand fractions.

A woman gets on the bus with her baby, and the driver says:

"Jesus wept lass, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Understandably, she's very upset. But she goes and sits down toward the back next to a nice old lady.

The old lady next to her leans in as she sits down, she heard the whole thing, and she says to her:

"I wouldn't take that if I were you petal... If I were you, I'd go back up there and rip him a new one!... Go on love... ... I'll hold your monkey"

Those who understand roman numerals, and those who don't...

I originally posted this in r/MaliciousCompliance, but several commenters thought it would be good here as well. I hope this isn't a re-run for too many of you.

This was years ago when my son was starting middle school. I was transporting him and a group of his new friends. One of the friends was French, and spoke French at home. My son mentioned that I had taken French in high school, and so one of his friends asked me to say something in French and see if French girl could understand me.

Before I go on, a note on parenting style: we joke around with our kids all the time. I know that not all parents joke with their children; some of my kids' friends enjoyed to a dad who makes a joke, and some would look at me like I grew a second head.

So I said to the French girl, «quelque chose». Immediately the friends turned to French girl and asked "What did he say?"

I waited, wondering whether she would join my joke.

A sly smile crept across her face as she said, "he said...something". The rest of the trip, the friends tried to convince her to reveal what it was that I had said. «quelque chose» is the French phrase for "something".

...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Vet: "I'm sorry, I don't understand. It's toucan fusing."

Understandable, since he was resisting a rest!

I can't understand their Axe scent

I don’t understand how she can feel that way.

She said "I don't understand.....".

I said " UN-PAUSE".

I had to explain it to her...

Only a fraction of you will understand that

Edit: I see this joke has been quite divisive! Thank you to everyone who made this joke a thousand times better in the comments, you're all amazing, and thank you for the awards!

I don’t understand, it’s his own stupid asphalt.

Therapist: It seems you have a severe phobia of marriage. Do you understand the symptoms?
Man: Can’t say I do.
Therapist: Yeah, that’s the main one.

He laughed, and I said I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation!

It's because I don't understand sine language.

2 guys went duck hunting. They were out there all day and didn't get a single duck. One turns to the other and says I don't understand why we haven't gotten anything yet. The other guy says I don't know, maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough.

But the thing only makes pennies. I understand now why it was so cheap. It makes cents

I don’t understand. Don’t people take their pets to the vet to get fixed all the time?

I’ll make you an offer I can’t understand.

So my family has chickens and in order to understand how this pun came to be I must give a little background on a running joke my family makes. When our chickens do some crazy we’ll say something along the lines of “(chicken’s name) is on crack.” This was a few days ago so I don’t remember the exact words but it went something like this: Somebody: (chicken’s name) you need to get off of whatever crack you’re on. In my head: Wait a second, I feel like I can make a pun here... And about 10 seconds of thinking later I said some along the lines of “Or else we might have to call the poultrice!”

Get it? Poultry + police. Felt like a genius.

I replied “I don’t understand.”

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."

Judge: "ok.... then? "

Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."

Judge: "what?"

Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"

I can never understand their point of view

People who understand binary And people who don’t

Those who understand binary...

and those who don't.

Those that understand binary and those who dont.

Only a fraction of people will understand it.

But only a fraction of people understand this.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.

Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

I just don’t understand why she feels that way.