A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
What kind of fish is made up of only two sodium atoms?
There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk
One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.
The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.
I come up with a really lame two word gay joke the other day that i was afraid my gay mate might find offensive
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
"There are five types of people..." *holds up two fingers *
Those who understand roman numerals, and those who don't...
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
Two French IT guys have come up with a new system to share files electronically.
It’s a Pierre to Pierre network.
Two Thirty, heard this pun a thousand times growing up in a house of dentists.
Two guys lined up to fight each other.
Two ninjas are sneaking up on their target when one of the ninjas asks the other: "do you think you can hit him from here?" and the ninja says:
There were two friends and one of them wanted to open up a gelato shop.
When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didn’t care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.
When the friend told this story the other friend then said,
#“Man, you have gelat of problems.”
Two British monks set up a small snack stand at the parish fair.
They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was
the chip monk!
Two cowboys are lost in the desert when one sees a tree draped in bacon. He yells “it’s a bacon tree” then runs to it and is shot up with bullets
It wasn’t a bacon tree it was a Ham Bush
I dug up an ant hill and some of these ants had two little balls on their abdomen. What are they?
Two books meet up in a Library. One says, ' You don't look too well ' and the other replies..
.. just had my Appendix removed.
Two spines are running up the hill as a hedgehog passes by them
Then one spine turns and says to the other “we missed the bus!!”
Did you know you start out with four kidneys, but lose two of them growing up?
They turn into adult knees.
Be easy guys this is my first semi original dad joke.
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Two snails pulled up next to me at a red light.
When the light turned green they sped away.
I looked to my friend and said, “look at that S car go!”
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
/r/Jokes/comments/i7puax/…
Just watched two Silkworms chase each other up a leaf..
Went to Nordstrom’s to pick up a new tie for my sisters wedding. I was shocked to find that they only had two left.
Both were very nice but I couldn’t decide which I liked more.
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.
The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.
The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
How do you break up a fight between two blind men?
Yell “My money’s on the one with the knife!”
Why does an ambulance have two seats up front? 🚑 For the Pair Of Medics
What two letters make up a sugary sweet?
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
When you pull up to two vegans fighting...
Two space cadets got tangled up during a space walk.
They both made astro knot.
Two scientists are trying to come up with a way to measure temperature.
One shows the other a prototype thermometer.
"We haven't figured out what to call it yet, but I need you to tell me what temperature this room is when i turn off the air conditioner so it cools to room temperature."
The other scientist gives him the OK and he walks out of the room to turn off the heater.
"OK, what temperature is it?"
"There's no marks on it!" The other scientist replied.
"Well, tell me the height of the mercury on the inside, relative to length of the bottle!"
"Alright" The scientist says. "In that case, it's fair in height"
Up until today, I only knew two jokes about the Fibonacci sequence. Then, today, I heard a new one.
It made me laugh as hard as the other two combined.
Some guy came up to me and said, "I haven't gone to the bathroom in two years."
I said, "you're full of crap"
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up ...
Which I really didn't appreciate.
If a bicycle can't stay up on its own because it's two-tired, then why can a motor cycle stay up?
There’s a room with two tables and ten people. One table has soup, and the other table has a punch bowl. All ten people are lined up at the soup table.
Now’s when you ask: where’s the punchline?
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired.
These two really need to shape up.
Two elderly women were sitting on a park bench when a man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. One woman has a stroke.
The other couldn’t reach.
Last year, my wife was so angry that I forgot to buy her a Christmas present, but that's not happening this time, because I bought her present two months ago! It's all wrapped up, sitting under the tree, waiting for her on Christmas Day!!
She's going to love these flowers!
Julius Caesar walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers
And says "Give me five beers".
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says
You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
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