He answers: “Cause he’s my emotional support dawg”
Because there are four quartz to a galleon.
And now he’s taking chemo
So I said "thats too bad buddy, what happened? You had two when you were born."
It was a mandate.
I bought the small one because I chose the lesser of two easels.
My wife and daughter always try to challenge me with dad jokes, and I almost always know them all. Today I had the following exchange:
Daughter: did you know that 10+10 and 11+11 are the same?
Me: yes, 11+11 is twenty, too.
Daughter: how on earth do all dads know these jokes?
Me: we keep them in a dad-a-base!
Daughter: I hate you.
I work for a wholesaler and was at a store the other day putting together a Hostess rack. I had a pair of scissors in my hand and was cutting some label strips when I heard from behind me:
"That Hostess guy is a real cut-up."
I turned around and there was on older guy behind me grinning away (they always have the best puns), Low and behold, right there on the rack was my response. I reached up and grabbed a pack of Zingers and said:
"Yes, I always have a few zingers up my sleeve."
Because there’s a hole in one
Flural
I was double-crossed.
They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"
The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says
>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<
http://imgur.com/a/1w50T
But remember the real reason is because they don't deux-oeuf it.
"I'm a really big heavy metal fan."
“Quit STALLIN and start PUTIN things in the truck. We’re RUSSIAN over here.”
It was an eye deal situation
But then I overheard people calling my a luger behind my back so gave it up. I'm a veteran of luging.
They plan to charge one and let the other one off.
The second doctor responds, "Suture self."
The other balloon says, “what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssss”
Well, it’s carrot cake.
Joke. Joke. Jooooke.
I then instinctively yelled "I guess this was just a big 'mistake'"
Laurel or Yanny.
Me: What do you call a drug dealer that ran out of drugs?
Girlfriend: (pauses for a few seconds) what?
Me: have you ever met someone named what? That's just ridiculous!
Girlfriend: (rolls eyes) fine, then I don't know what's he called?
Me: well if he ran out of drugs most people would say he is crackalackin!!
Moans were had but I got two for the price of one!
EDIT: some grammir
What do you call a fitness instructor who moonlights as an action hero?
Jason Stay-thin
What do you call a music artist who works out and is a bit of a creep?
Slim Shady
I went to visit a friend today. I'm a somewhat restless guy, so while we were hanging out I pulled out my stiletto and started playng with it. He says, 'That's a sharp knife.' I replied, 'That's the point.'
Canoe believe it?
My sister was showing off her new iPhone to my dad and me, since she finally broke her old phone after owning it for two years. I asked what happened to the old phone.
Sis: "Oh, I dropped my 4c and it broke the screen."
Me: "So you didn't foresee it happening?"
She rolled her eyes. My dad laughed, I laughed. I asked what she upgraded to.
Sis: "I got a 6s, it's the newest model."
Me: "So your day was a success?"
My sister was not pleased, but my dad was losing it, and he shook my hand. I think I have his blessing to become a dad.
I was building a new deck at the back of my house for a grill. Then I decided that it needed a counter for food prep, holding beers, etc. Well now that I have a counter, wouldn't it be great to have an outdoor fridge? Yes, yes it would. Needless to say, the size of the deck got a little out of control.
My wife sees the framing going up and says, "What do you need all this space for?"
I say, "Grilling meat and relaxation."
She responds, "Are you planning to do yoga while you grill?"
I say, "Yes. Downward Hot Dog."
She quips, "Careful, you wouldn't want to burn your little Warrior."
