What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
.
Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny
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︎ Feb 21 2021
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
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︎ Mar 14 2021
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
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︎ Jan 22 2021
What do you call two octopuses that look the same?
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︎ Jan 28 2021
One impeachment is bad, but two impeachments
Thatβs just unpresidented
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︎ Jan 13 2021
A century ago, two brothers insisted that it was possible to fly ...
... and as you can see, they were Wright
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︎ Jan 18 2021
Two horses in a field, one says to the other βIβm so hungry, I could eat a horseβ
The other replies βmoooβ
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︎ Mar 20 2021
Like two peas in a (dolphin) pod
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︎ Jan 18 2021
Two spiders got married and bought their first home.
I was so happy for the newlywebs.
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︎ Feb 12 2021
Two hats were having a chat
"You stay here," one said, "I'll go on ahead."
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︎ Apr 01 2021
If two vegans get in a fight...
... is it still considered a beef?
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︎ Apr 01 2021
Why canβt two elephants swim at the same time?
They only have a pair of trunks.
-my grandfather, just 5 minutes ago.
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Two artists had an art contest.
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︎ Mar 27 2021
I asked my dog what's two minus two.
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︎ Apr 03 2021
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
βI canβt believe I blew 40 bucks in thereβ
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︎ Feb 02 2021
If you have two heads, that's both an odd and even number
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︎ Mar 17 2021
My wife says I have two flaws
I donβt listen and then something else
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︎ Mar 14 2021
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks youβ¦
"What about the udder one?"
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm..one turns to the other and says βwhatβs your favorite kind of music?β
He replied βIβm a big metal fan!β
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︎ Mar 03 2021
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan (vs. a coupe).
π︎ 12
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︎ Mar 20 2021
Two muffins ... sitting in the oven...
The first muffin says "Damn! It's hot in here!"
The second muffin looks and says "HOLY SHIT! A TALKING MUFFIN!"
(Being honest here. Not a dad. I'm a mom and my kids hate this joke!! I'll understand completely if y'all do too!)
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Iβd like to stay for two Knights please.
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︎ Mar 08 2021
My employer now gives two weeks off to recover from the vaccine.
They call it Modernaty leave.
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︎ Apr 04 2021
Two antennas got married.
The reception was wonderful.
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︎ Feb 27 2021
My friend said I wouldnβt be able to name two structures that hold water.
I was like, βWell, damn.β
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︎ Feb 26 2021
In a world where people with superpowers make up 1% of the world population, people with two make up 1% of that 1%. These people born with two superhuman abilities are called squares.
Squares are raised to a second power.
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︎ Mar 29 2021
If a person doesnβt have to go to prison but has to see an officer every two weeks...
Do they have a probationship?
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︎ Mar 26 2021
There are two kinds of people: Those who make dad jokesβ¦
β¦and those who are the butt of them.
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︎ Apr 08 2021
Two muffins are sitting in an oven. First one says "boy it sure is hot in here."
The other yells, "Oh my god! It's a talking muffin!"
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︎ Mar 19 2021
A man with two left feet walks into a shoe store:
"Excuse me do you sell flip flips?"
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︎ Mar 22 2021
Two thieves robbed a store and stole a calendar.
They each got six months.
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︎ Apr 06 2021
What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
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︎ Feb 28 2021
My 8 year old son asked me to buy him two axes for his birthday...
I told him ok, Iβd get him an X and a Y... my 12 year old cracked up, the 8 year old was confused. I still look at it as a win.
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︎ Feb 24 2021
There are two unwritten rules in life
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︎ Jan 19 2021
"Dad, I need help with my grammar homework. Can you name two pronouns?"
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︎ Mar 28 2021
my wife said I had to choose between my two expensive hobbies: gardening, or audiophile
I agonized over the choice before realizing it was quite simple.
but of course, bose before hose!
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︎ Mar 25 2021
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use βWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internetβ and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) heβs been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβs for the kind words and awards.
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︎ Feb 01 2021
You need two i's
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︎ Dec 02 2020
What kind of fish is made up of only two sodium atoms?
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︎ Jan 21 2021
Did you hear about the priest who was admitted into the hospital with over two dozen little plastic horses lodged in his rectum.
Doctors say he is in stable condition.
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︎ Mar 20 2021
I have this pathological fear of two letter words.
I get terrified just thinking about it.
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︎ Jan 30 2021
I had mono in high school. I went to the doctor today with similar symptoms but two times worse...
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︎ Mar 10 2021
Two termites walk into a barβ¦
One says is the bar tender here?
Edit:Conma comma comma comma comma chameleon. Because the people who like this joke are a Cultured Club
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︎ Mar 17 2021
Two brokers met on the sidewalk. "How's it going?" Said the one. "I'm fine," replied the other. "Well, gotta run," said the one. "Okay," said the other, "I'll see ya later." "All right. Bye."
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︎ Apr 07 2021
What has two butts and kills people?
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︎ Apr 04 2021
Two fishes were in a tank. Other said:
How do you drive this thing?
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︎ Mar 04 2021
There are two kinds of people
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︎ Apr 06 2021
A woman with two left feet walks into a shoe store
She asks the manager, "excuse me, do you have any flop-flops?"
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Two guys stole a calendar
They got six months each.
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︎ Feb 13 2021
If two vegans get into an argument
Is it still considered beef?
π︎ 59
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︎ Feb 13 2021
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