People call me self-centered...
But that’s enough about them.
What do you call a self-employed cheese tester?
Me: "Excuse me, can you show me where the self help books are?"
Librarian: "Well, that would kinda defeat the purpose, don't you think?"
I noticed something about my nipples that makes me a little self-conscious...
Is it normal for the left one to be bigger than the other two?
People call me self centred...
But, that's enough about them.
Scientists has discovered in the desert a cactus that's needles are so hard to see there almost transparent. I says to my self...
That cactus must really like making her points clear.
A man wrote a highly influential self-help book about caring for your testicles.
Scientists have discovered a new species of potato that has attained consciousness and become self aware.
They are calling them meta-taters.
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
I thought I might have a parasite so I sprayed my self with a cheap bug bomb.
Now all I have to show for it is a nervous tick.
Ever heard of the god with low self-esteem?
The very first self-driving vehicle was invented by the Amish in the 1700's...
..the horse was great, the car was a little buggy.
Why did the sculptor realize creating a self-portrait bust was a bad idea?
Because he got a head of himself.
(Warning: Morbid dad joke) True Story -- My family were planning my mum's funeral. We always try to keep things light and try to stay positive, just as Mum would have it...
The funeral director was asking us what we think Mum should wear in her casket.
Mum always loved to wear sarongs (fabric wraps that go around the torso and drape downward a bit like a long skirt would), so my uncle suggested that she wear a sarong in there.
The funeral director looked a bit confused, as did some of our family members, to which my uncle added:
"What's sarong with that?"
I started laughing like an idiot. He was proud of it too. The funeral director was rather shocked. We assured her, and our more proper relatives, that Mum would've absolutely loved the joke (which is very true).
His delivery was perfect. I'll never forget the risk he took. We sometimes recall the moment as a way help cushion the blows of the grieving process.
--Edit--
I appreciate the condolences. I'm doing well and the worst is behind me and my family. But thanks :)
--Edit--
Massive thanks for all the awards and kind words. And the puns! Love 'em.
My dad was ready to roll in on the jokes when coming to pick me up after school in his "DIY self-driving" car. Everyone knows though...
Most people know 'SCUBA' is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus, but did you know 'TUBA' is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Why are memes so self-centered?
Because they are all about me me...
What kind of self-defense does a Jewish Trump supporter practice?
I’m not sure if it’s true or false that he is the Prime Minister of Canada, but that his name is Justin
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?
It's called On & On Anon.
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was
she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Self-Depreciation Society accepting new applicants
I already put myself down
People say I'm self centered...
But that's enough about them
Ah I love a good self-defecating joke
I shit myself every time I tell one!
My friend is inventing breakthrough upholstery fabric that can self-mend rips and tears. When I asked how he's progressing, he replied....
Did you know SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus? Did you know “tuba” is also an acronym?
Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Edit: good lord, I didn’t know someone else posted this previously. I thought it was funny as heck and my kids rolled their eyes when I told it SO THERE.
Why are audiophiles self-loathing?
They think audio files are inferior!
Why did the Indian yeast have low self esteem?
His whole life he’s been a naan starter.
I ordered a self help tape called, "How to handle disappointment."...
When the package came....the box was empty.
True story: My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What kind of self defence do vegans use?
I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the opposite side of the museum hall, and I was too self conscious to say hello.
There was so much history between us.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
EDIT: "Now he's asking me for a byte of cookies... "
Sorry for self promotion.
What do you call a self governing group of hippos?
My self-centered friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn't afford the bill.
He really got a head of himself.
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is they’re working on a self driving boat as well.
They’re going to call it the iAye
Are clams self aware?
No, they are not conches.
In light of current events, I've been doing some self reflection and I came to the conclusion that I need to be more like a German child.
What kind of self-help books do dolphins read?
Leading a porpoise-driven life
I’ve been self isolating with coronavirus
Above all, I’ve found it tough to stay positive.
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
People say that I am self-centred
But that's enough about them
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym...
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
People call me self centered
But that's enough about them
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