A football player goes to the doctor and says "It hurts whenever I touch my face, knee and elbow." The doctor says,

"You've broken your hand."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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My girlfriend asked me to feed her anaconda hotdogs while she is out of town. I did, but it wouldn’t touch them. Confused, I called her and asked why

She said: β€œMy anaconda don’t want none unless it has buns, hun”

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
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A genie granted me one wish. I wanted to be rich, but didn't want to deal with the IRS and decided I wanted wealth as I needed it. So I wished for the touch of Midas.

After that, everything I touched turned into a muffler.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notagoodspelller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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What does a 737-800 sound like when it bounces during touch down?

β€œBoeing, Boeing, Boeing”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
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Please don't touch my new tattoo. It's a little bit-saw.
πŸ‘︎ 152
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elliobot
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2017
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An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.

There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttsecks42069
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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My daughter absolutely cannot stand it when her toes touch the top of her shoes!!

She is very clostra-toe-bic.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bad11ama
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
If you are cold, DONT TOUCH MY THERMOSTAT! Just move your bed to the corner of your room where its 90 degrees.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/satirical_whit
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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Why is my stud finder constantly going off even when it isn't touching the wall?

Oh wait... I'm holding it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ndisa44
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Broke ny finger today

On the other hand i am ok

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ahmed8117600
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Got a new tattoo

My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bosozokulove
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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So I walked into my daughter's room with a tape measure the other day, and she was lying on her bed reading a book. I stood in the doorway and started slowly extending the tape measure, all the way across the room, until it touched her cheek. "What??" she asked me. My response...

"I'm measuring your patience!"

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Piccolo_Bass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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I once knew a guy that liked to bask in the sun. He touched my circle of friends but did not enter it...

He was a real tan gent.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.

You just have to have a feel for it.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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What do you call an it teacher touching up his students..?

A PDF File

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.

This is as close as I could get.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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A guy goes for a drive and his car stalls...

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, β€œThank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

β€œThank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

πŸ‘︎ 989
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
When people tell me I'm good at the theremin, I have to give credit to my wife.

She also likes it when I don't touch her.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who can tell what a kitchen top is made of just by touching it.

He's counter-intuitive

πŸ‘︎ 228
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverwingedOther
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2016
🚨︎ report
Fun day out at the beach

So when I was younger, me and a couple of friends went on a little trip to the beach. We had a lot of fun there swimming around, making a campfire, all that jazz. Some of us wanted to build sandcastles and get em as high as we could so we could pretend we were knights protecting them.

So some kids started running around being annoying and destroying the sand castles and it got to the point where one of my friends got so protective of his castle, he started punching anyone who even got close. You know how kids are, the other ones got closer and were like β€œwe arent even touching it, calm down!” but he wasnt having any of that so he drew a line in the sand and said β€œif you step over this line, i WILL punch you..”

that was the punch line >insert finger guns<

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Truplup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.

Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eleventhearlofmar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you get to second base with a ghost?

You touch its BOO-bies.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funbot45
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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I saw a sign that said 'do not touch', however there was something weird about the sign....

I couldn't put my finger on it....

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirCarpetOfBurn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
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My wife yelled at me, telling me to put the toilet seat down...

Don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinnBelly21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
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Title
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2018
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My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.

It was touching.

πŸ‘︎ 469
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm selling my theramin...

... I haven't touched it in years

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/celticvenom
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Is this shirt felt?

touch shirt

It is now

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moonspace21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Guy walks into a bar and notices pieces of meat hanging from the cieling.

He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says β€œno, the steaks are too high”.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tugboattt
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: See? To prove I'm not a boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

πŸ‘︎ 680
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HIGHxCLASSxHOBO
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I began reading a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eyetalianman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2018
🚨︎ report
My father recently got a new tattoo

It was of a Thermos flask that he took to work

I was just checking it out closely, just then he said

"Hey, don't touch my Thermos tat"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dadushka008
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I invented a new myth to delight my kids

There once was a greedy ore mining magnate who wished that everything he touched would turn into iron. He was careful to always wear gloves except when making huge loads of ore, except for one day when a mosquito landed on his knee. Not thinking, the magnate slapped his leg with his exposed hand. His knee immediately became metallic and the sudden change to his blood pressure caused almost instantaneous death.

Later in the morgue the Coroner noted that it was a classic example of situational iron knee.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.

It was touch and go from there on.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
why was the clock afraid it would get sick?

because its hands were constantly touching itsΒ face

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emotionalhaircut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A navy recruit has his first day on a submarine

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your postΒ to the mess hall. Go in there and start washing some dishes."

The recruit obeys, and heads to the mess hall. He's cleaned about 3 dishes when the officer walks up again.

"Listen here recruit, your new post is in the supply room. I need you to make sure everything is strapped down tight, in case of rough waters."

The recruit again follows orders, and heads off to the supply room. There, he sees a crewman, moving some boxes.

"Hey there," says the recruit. "is it normal to keep getting reassigned to new posts all day? I haven't kept one position for more than 15 minutes!"

The crewman says "Oh yeah- this sub is full of reposts."

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I've started a new competitive pun gameshow podcast entitled 'Punnit' and I'm looking for contestants! First two episodes in the comments.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m trying to sell my old Theramin...

I haven’t touched it in years!

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CastleNova13
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students

A PDF file .

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A PDF file

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuherDex
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2014
🚨︎ report
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped...

Needless to say, I'm ex-static...

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2017
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking about selling my theremin.

I haven't touched it in years.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo

Mom: Oh cool! It's... uh?

Dad: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Mom: Well, uh, the line work is certainly...

Dad: Don't touch the thermos tat

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of selling my theremin

I haven't touched it in years

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/U-M-A-R
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well…" he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no…" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report

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