Too Many Cooks Puns

My parents were over for dinner, and my wife went tog et the lasagna out of the oven. My stepmom calls, from the couch, "Do you need a hand?" to my wife, I reply, also from the couch, "She has two, actually." I was kicked.

What a waste of thyme.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Sir I

and some of the others:

- The knight who cooks steaks the best: Sir Loin

- The knight who is always confident: Sir Tain

- The knight who charges you extra on top of the original price every time: Sir Charge

- The knight who operates on other knights after every battle: Sir Geon

- The knight who didn't take many chances: Sir Cumspect

- The knight who has the loudest battle cry: Sir En

- The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render

- The unbelievable knight: Sir Real

- The knights were so large that they sat around the a table by themselves: Sir Round and Sir Cumference

- The undercover knight: Sir Vallence

- The knight who came to an untimely end: Sir Cease

- The knight who never got killed in battle: Sir Vivor

- The knight who always guessed right: Sir Miser

- The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Past

- The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount

- The knight who showed up unexpectedly: Sir Prise

- The knight who funded the castle's operations: Sir Tax

- The knight who kept the kingdom maps up to date: Sir Veyor

- The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis

- The knight who always called on as the first substitute: Sir Rogate

- The knight who is the most outstanding knight: Sir Perb

- The hardest knight of them all: Sir Amic

- The knight who was most at home in a 3-ring castle: Sir Cus

- The saddest knight: Sir Rowful

- The extra knights: Sir Perfluous and Sir Penumerary

- The dancing knight (who was a cousin to Sir Lancelot) : Sir Prance Alot

- The one who also known as the Knight of Scales, Fangs, and Coils: Sir Pent

We had been cooking dinner, and my wife commented (after one too many comments about 'Gouda being gooda and Feta being Betta') that it seemed like most of my puns tend to be food puns.

So I drew her a diagram. I started with a huge circle to represent all of my puns. Inside that I drew a large circle filling about 90% of it.

"Those are my food puns."

I then drew another circle, this one about half the size of the food circle, with almost all of it inside the food circle.

"And these are my cheese puns."

My wife immediately called me out, pointing at the sliver that was outside of the food circle.

"Shouldn't this be fully inside the other circle?"

"No," I say, "Those puns are rare, but they tend to be cheesiest."

So she loves cooking and decided to make this spicy chicken soup that you put over rice. So I'm eating and she asks

Her "how do like it"

Me "its really good"

Her "I tried something different with the broth what do you think?"

Me "I like it, its just a good thing you didn't have anyone helping you"

Her "what why?

Me "because too many cooks could spoil the broth"

I then continued to sing it and she hates me and the song/video.