Did you hear about the lady who backed up into the industrial fan?

It was a disaster...

Dis-assed-her

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hyliaman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2021
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A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. β€œBartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, β€œthere is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, β€œNo no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, β€œRuff!” The man carries on the bit, β€œSee bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, β€œNow boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” β€œWell here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” β€œRuff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, β€œI won’t ask again sir.” β€œI have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” β€œRuff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, β€œsorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, β€œmaybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DorkeyTree
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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So apparently when you die, the last part of your body that stops working is your pupils..

It’s because they di-late

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_beard2
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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Did you hear about the guy who has no feet or shins?

Tony

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cobclob
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
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My college roommate, Anthony, was really into Italian food and Jamaican music.

We called him Reggae Tony.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/henry_holyoak
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2021
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A great dad joke I just heard in an episode of The Sopranos

Tony Soprano: So your father tells me you’re taking up Astronomy in college.

Kevin Bonpensiero: No, business.

Tony Soprano: Well how come he keeps saying you’re taking up space in school?

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
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During my dental appointment, I found out that I had a lot of cavities

Turned out to be my dental dis-appointment

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supra_elongata
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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Did you hear about the church musician that lost his instrument?

He was really dis-organ-ized.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/majestic_walrus1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Christopher Nolan, Leonardo DiCaprio and Matthew McConaughey decide to make a movie together

Nolan says he will direct.

DiCaprio says he will act.

And McConaughey says "I'll write I'll write I'll write"

πŸ‘︎ 345
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheese_Junky
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Why does Norway have barcodes on the sides of it's ships ?

So that when they come back to the port they can "scan-di-navian"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gp_11
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Pun pet names.

Pets I want to have....

An otter name Harry Otter. A snake named Severus Snake. A tortoise named Voldetort. A chicken named Kylo Hen. A dog named Barkamedes. A deer named David Hasselhoof. A turkey named Green Gobbleen. A cat named Captain Ameowrica. A stork named Tony Stork. A pig named Peter Porker. A crocodile named Croctor Strange. A duck named Ducktor Doom. A squid named Abraham Inkin. A goose named Ryan Gooseling. A heron named Charlize Heron. A goat named Selena Goatmez An alpaca named Alpacachino. A carp name Leonardo Di’Carprio. A tuna named Tuna Turner. A horse named Neighlor Swift. A toad named Demi Lavatoad. A Rhino named Ryan Rhinolds. A swan named Swan Jovi. A Falcon named Jimmy Falcon. A ferret named Ferret Faucet. A rabbit named Hoptimus Prime. A cow named Moolissa McCarthy. A crow named Seth Crowgan. A fox named Charlie Fox. A cat named Katy Purry. A wolf named Howly Berry. A hamster named Scarlet Johamster. A parrot named Squakin Phoenix. A duck named DuckleBerry Finn. A canary named Jim Canary. A swarm of bees, all named BeeyoncΓ©. A sheep named Meryl Sheep. An elk named Elkton John. A bear named Teddy Mercury. A ram named Gordon RAMsey. A shark named Fin Diesel. A jellyfish named Jelly Clarkson. An Iguana named Eddie Lizard. A hyena named Hyena Bonham Carter. A penguin named Robird Downey Jr.

a ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clixer712
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Who was the only celebrity with four body parts in his name?

Tony Hancock

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BitcoinBanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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Leonardo Di Caprio

Leo di Caprio is neither a Leo, nor is he a Capricorn. He's a Scorpio.

This pisces me off....

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dizzytechie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Sweet dreams are made of cheese.

Who am I to dis-a-brie?

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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TIL Elton John wrote an unreleased song about his short-lived affair with the lead actor in "Who's The Boss?"

He called it, "Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SusheeMonster
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony (say it out loud slowly)

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Biddy_Bear
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a vanishing pear?

Dis-a-pear

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silviulescu
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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When you die which organ is the last to go?

They eyes because they di-late

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jackknifejimmy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My farts have a particular smell.

They are dis-stinked!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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Iron man is getting married

His welding is tomorrow and it’s with a fe-male. Apparently he was steel a bachelor and Tonys Spark led to an impromptu proposal and welding.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ssigea
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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Why did the Norwegian boats have barcodes on the side?

When they dock, they can scan-di-navian...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
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Why do you vanish when you insult a marina?

Because you dis a pier!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlefish1029
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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What do you call a buff Italian man named Anthony?

Rig-a-toni

(Thought of this a while ago while at the gym, had a chuckle)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
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I hope the tension on the Kashmir border doesn't escalate.

But I think it will work out Indian (In-di-an).

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shrimpio
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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I own disney

DisKnee, disLeg, disToe, disThigh and disAnkle

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnotherKakkar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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Columbia University Marching Band shuts itself down.

Yes, they Dis-Banded.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NewArborist64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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If Iron man was a potato, what would he be called?

Tony Starch

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notatrowawy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no shins?
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Algernon21
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
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Someone stole my weed...

I'm feeling very dis-jointed.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
All the Avengers got into a lift

But only one couldn’t get out of it.

It was Tony Stuck

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxtailavenger
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Mene apne bengali dost ko phone kiye

Usne mera cal kata

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pratik007789
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Endgame Joke

>!At the end of the film, Tony Says "I am Ironman"!<

>!The line should have been "Hi Inevitable, I'm Dad"!<

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Netherish
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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What do you call a guy with no shin?

Tony

Creds: @fareed_kharusi/Twitter

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mounis11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What Caine did to his brother?

DisAbeled him

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrZxAlan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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What do you call a person who disses abusive words

Dis-cuss

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashrajt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyRealWorkAccount
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jazzysax241
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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What do you call a guy with no shins ?

Tony

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

πŸ‘︎ 242
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Codetemplar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Norway put barcodes on their ships?

So they can scan-di-navian

πŸ‘︎ 436
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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What do you call a man with no shins

Tony

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crusty-muhammad
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do Norwegian boats have a barcode on the side

So they can Scan-di-navian

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fatboyonadiet4lyf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My appointment was cancelled

It was a dis-appointment.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rover359
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucaewings27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report

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