Tomorrow Come Today Puns

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

I was helping my daughter pack her car today, getting ready to leave tomorrow morning. She had a set of plastic stacking drawers wedged into her car, but in getting it there, it had come apart some, so we had to take it out to tape it together better. There was a black plastic bag leaning against it, and in all the wriggling, the drawers tore a small hole in the plastic bag. After taping the drawers, I noticed a small piece of the black plastic stuck to the drawers. I took it off and tried to give it to my daughter, saying, "Here's your hole," but of course she didn't want it, so I put it (you see this coming already, don't you?) in my pocket, and said, "Now I have a hole in my pocket." Her eye-roll was hilarious.

(Does anyone else remember a similar bit from the "Yellow Submarine" movie?)

In class today he told us even if we had no shots to synch audio with we should still come to our lab tomorrow, and added "Everyone will get a chance to get that synching feeling."

As a matter of fact, i just joined this sub today! And a few minutes ago, my dad came with a dad joke... timing couldn't be better!

Background: Tomorrow i'm going to Italy on and exchange trip. The guy i'm going to live with is named Pepe. I explained to my dad that there is also this other Italian guy named Pepe, who one of my friends is going to stay with. And here comes the gold, my dad simply replied: "If they are together can you then call them Pepperoni?" And it get's even better! "Or maybe even better, you could call them Pepsi!"

I have to admit that the Pepsi one made me smile...

After work he and the other men working went to the bar nearby. Everyone ordered and the bartender came to the duck and said what can I get for you, duck? The duck asks uhhh you got any bread? Bartender says what? Bread? No we don't have any bread. Duck ruffles his feathers, puts his hard hat on and stomps out.

Next day same thing, after work the guys and the duck head to the bar. Bartender comes to the duck and asks what can I get for you? Duck says hmmm, got any bread? Bartender says listen we didn't have bread yesterday, we don't have it today and we won't tomorrow. If you ask again I'm going to nail your bill to this bar. Duck gets flustered, puts his hard hat on and stomps out.

Next day same thing. Everyone heads to the bar and orders drinks. Bartender sighs and asks the duck what he wants to drink. Duck says uhh, you got any nails? Bartender says what? Nails? No. Duck says you got any bread?

"what does a little bird inside a Computer do?"

"microchip"

"that is a hat, keep that in your head"

"what do they tell you when you live a seed bank?"

"thank you for coming"

"I never wanted to be a trucker, it never in-tir-ested me"

"Do you know why watches leave a mark on you wrist?"

"becouse the time is tight"

"life is like Battleship, today you ate, tomorrow C6"

Really, each joke is from a different classmate.