Look whoโs grounded now, mom.
Thatโs when I knew it was Thyme.
You can hear him decomposing
....by conducting a Junior Seance.....
The mortician asked the deceasedโs wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit heโs already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says โI donโt care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.โ The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, โwhatever this costs Iโm very satisfied, you did an excellent job and Iโm incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?โ To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says โthereโs no charge.โ Shocked she replies โno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.โ โHonestly maโamโ, the mortician says, โit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.โ
They were able to place the casket in the grave after the third attempt.
This old bloke I know just passed away. He was well known in the community for his wood turning - bowls, furniture - you name it, he did it. So for the funeral, they decided to bury his prized lathe right there next to him.
It's a nice gesture - but I know he'd be turning in his grave if he knew.
He asked what was wrong and they told him that his wife had died and that they were preparing to bury her.
The man replied: "that's grave news!"
The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.
Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.
Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.
The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
In 1827, after Beethoven died, he was buried outside the local church, in the graveyard, and people came to pay their respects frequently.
One morning, about a week after the funeral, two girls came to leave some flowers on his grave, only to hear strange, unearthly sounds coming from it. Creeped out, they called for the local Paranormal Investigator.
The Investigator arrived an hour later, and with him, a small crowd, who had come to see what was happening to the composerโs grave.
Suddenly, one member of the crowd exclaimed, โI recognise that sound! Itโs his 9th Symphony, backwards!โ
Soon after, another said, โand thatโs his 8th, backwards!โ
After leaning closer to the grave to inspect this for himself, the Investigator straightened himself up, gave a soft chuckle, and said:
โNever fear, ladies and gentlemen! Beethovenโs just decomposing.โ
He went from the ladle to the grave.
...To which my dad replied, "At least the neighbors are nice and quiet."
I groaned.
Edit: Told him about the post's popularity. He added, "Living next to a cemetery would be a very grave situation."
That joke killed me
A painting by Claude Monet was recently discovered. It's an illustration of a man's nose. The museum decided to title it Mon Nez
Explanation :
Mon and nez are respectively French for my and nose. If one pronounces mon and nez correctly, and rapidly, it sounds a bit like Monet (mo-nรฉnรจ)
Edit: I made an error with the accents; chose aigu (รฉ) instead of grave (รจ)
I'm going to have my ashes grown into an ash tree, with a grave stone that reads "he was dying to be grown this way" and in the back it will read "that pun was a grave mistake"
Theyโll lower the coffin into the grave, realize they put it in the wrong way and have to do it again.
A new tomb has been discovered in the valley of the kings, Egypt. The grave goods seem to consist purely of ancient chocolate and nuts. Apparently, the tomb belonged to the 'Pharaoh Rocher'.
I'm currently running my players through a D&D adventure titled "Curse of Strahd".
Last session, my players found a journal revealing details about the main villain, Count Strahd Von Zarovich. When they acquired it, I passed the adventure book over--opened up to an illustration depicting the journal's pages--and one of the players proceeded to read. After struggling for a bit, he said, "I'm having a tough time reading this cause it's so cursive."
Yes," I responded. "It's the cursive Strahd."
I had that one chambered and ready for weeks, just waiting for the right moment.
What my players don't know is that I'm also going to include a few other bits of flavor for my them to find as they progress through the game:
- A fancy handbag with the initials "SVZ" hammered into the leather... the "purse of Strahd"
- A grave in which the Von Zarovich family nanny is buried... the "nurse of Strahd"
- A carriage very obviously built to accommodate Strahd's coffin... the "hearse of Strahd"
- A book full of poetry written during Strahd's younger days, before he was consumed by darkness... the "verse of Strahd"
We just visited the cemetery to visit my great grandfather's grave, and all the headstones have Christmas wreaths on them because it's a national cemetery (military). Someone asked "well I wonder who lays all these wreaths out here." My dad replied, "The Grim Wreather."
We all laughed as my mom hit him on the arm and said he was terrible.
So, a little story Alright, so I'd say I was in about 6th or 7th grade. One day my Grandpa (Pop) and I are driving down the road, for some irrelevant time story amount of time. We end up down some country road that passes a bunch of cattle fields, and as we're driving he turns down the radio and he asks "Do you think those cows are very smart?" And I ask why. He responds with "You know, cause they're out standing in the field." That man, let me tell you.
Alright, fast forward to about 3~4 years. My friend and I were driving to another friends house, and we ended up on the same road, with the same cows in the field. Guess what I asked him. And I swear on my Grandfather's grave, my friend stopped his car, and asked me to get out.
After we were attacked by zombies in a graveyard, several party members wanted to figure out how they were turned into zombies. A bunch of us were rolling for arcana, and the like.
I rolled for Acana. I then said "okay, so I rolled a 16 for Acana. That means I know why these zombies we turned. They made a grave mistake."
Made sure to quiet everyone down before saying it. Everyone thought I was going to say something important.
(Son wanting to be amused while I'm writing around with a terrible case of flu.)
Me: "I'm sorry, buddy. I'm dying here." Son: "If you die, who will tell me stupid jokes?" Me: "I'll come back from the grave to torture you with stupid dad jokes." Son: "Like a zombie?" Me: "Like the pun-dead."
I work at a small news station and we were having a mini-meeting after the show. Someone commented that one of the people in a commercial we were running was possibly dead and, if so, we would have to pull the ad. My response?
"Sounds like a grave situation."
What's even better, is the new guy commented on it, to which I asked everyone else what they thought of Codoro-jokes.
Multiple simultaneous groans.
She tried to mention buying our own grave plots as we were leaving.
I told her that "This was the last thing I needed!"
I had just taken a fall down a flight of stairs and hit my head the week before so my dad and I went to visit the radiologist to gets some scans done to monitor the damage. After the scans were finished the radiologist went to talk to my dad about the results. When they had finished talking my dad came to talk to me with a grave look on his face. Dad: bleedingllamadance I'm sorry to say, they found something on the scan... Me: What did they find? Am I going to be okay? Dad: I'm sorry but.... they found a brain! (laughs until he starts wheezing) Dad: But actually you do have a hairline fracture on your skull
My buddy and I brought in pizza from Godfather's Pizza this past weekend. We walked into his cluttered studio apartment with the pizza and some beers and I looked around for a place to put the pie.
His kitchen table had no room; neither did his coffee table. When I asked him where I should put it he told me just to set it down on top of his bed while we made space.
"Are you sure you want me to put it there?" I asked.
"Yeah, what's the big deal?"
"You want me to put the pizza on this - the duvet of my daughter's bedding?"
I could hear Brando groaning from beyond the grave.
So there's a girl, who just graduated from High School as an honors student but just a few A's away from making Valedictorian. After her graduation, her father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."
The girl goes to medical school. Once again, she graduates near the top of her class but isn't the top of her class. The father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."
The girl was nominated for a big promotion in her hospital but was just a few marks away from securing it. Her father walks up to her and says "you've let me down."
Years pass. The woman has grown to hate her father. One day, she receives a letter saying her father had passed away. Forgetting all of her hate, she gets on the next flight to her mother's home.
As soon as she arrives, her mother hands her a letter detailing one final request from her father.
"At my funeral, I would like to have my daughter lower my body into my grave so she can let me down one more time."
EDIT: Grammar, wording, etc.
While driving past the cemetery my mom says "oh look they're building new grave plots" and my dad responds "people are dying to get a spot in there"
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
.. and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.' The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.' 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says. 'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.' 'So I just switched the heads.'
...To which my dad replied, "At least the neighbors are nice and quiet."
I groaned.
Edit: Told him about the post's popularity. He added, "Living next to a cemetery would be a very grave situation."
That joke killed me
You went from the ladle to the grave.
