How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
What’s the difference between the police response to Black Lives Matter protests and their response to the Capitol Hill riots?
Well, it’s black and white.
The folks who live in my town aren’t allowed to be buried in the old cemetery on the edge of town.
Mostly because they’re not dead yet.
Why did one twin refuse to live with his brother?
Because he was a terrible womb-mate.
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
NASA scientists say it may be possible to live on Mars.
What a load of rubbish, I tried it and now I'm five stones heavier and diabetic.
I used to live paycheck to paycheck...
....but now that I'm older and better established, I live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I have a plan to live on two bucks for the whole next year.
Step 1: get a hunting license.
I have recently been made homeless and have to live in my car...
...Now every room is the living vroom
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
I'm going to live forever
Do you know the top 15 states to live in?
Alaska, Washington, Idaho, Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, & Maine
I’ve always wanted to live in a lighthouse...
I’ve been on and off the idea for years.
What animals love to live in a sewer?
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China
He says he can't complain
The vet said our chick has survived through the accident, but his brain was damaged so he’d have to live the rest of his life a vegetable.
Guess we’ll call him Eggplant now
Why did the germaphobe go away to live by himself?
He wanted to be hermitically sealed.
There’s a horse that lives next door to me.
My daughter tells me that she wants to live in a nice house with her friends when they all have stable jobs.
I said, “Well sweetie, that’s nice, but I just can’t see you and your friends shoveling manure for a living.”
To which she replied, “Oh no? I thought you said that I could be president if I wanted to!”
I’ve decided to tell my kids that I want to live my life as a woman
It’s better to be honest, I just want to be transparent
Most Russian people I know live life to the max
In England, if you pay money to live in a toilet, you can tell people you're a loo tenant
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
Oh, to live in the UK.
Gaining 25 pounds is a good thing there.
Did you hear about the man who lost his home and had to live on the streets?
What is a snakes favorite place to live ?
Ever heard of the polar bear that lives on both north & south poles, is manic depressive and attracted to both sexes?
Hes known as the bi-polar bi-polar bi polar bear.
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
The doctor gave me 10 years left to live.
I killed him and the judge gave me 60!
We used to live on a very busy main road.
But after our 4th child got run over, we decided to move into a house.
Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I don’t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.
Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.
I can't seem to grow oats or barley, or spelt in the mountains where I live. I guess it's true what they say...
Best thing about these meme format is we get to repost jokes we’ve heard our entire lives
During the pandemic, I plan to build a new underground shelter to live in.
What do you call the man who lives without technology and got amputated to the elbows?
If you want to live drama-free, you should move to India.
They don't have beef with anyone.
"Doctor please help, I've got 59 seconds to live!"
Doctor: " I'll be with you in a minute"
A doctor gave a man 6 months to live
The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another 6 months
Dad was told he only had 6 months to live. He said he wanted his ex wife to come live with him
Because It would be the longest 6 months of his life.
The doctor told me I had one year to live
And that was a year ago, yet I'm sti
Have you heard of the woman who lives next to the river?
"He's the most foul mouthed person to ever live!" screamed the scientist who cloned himself and later tried to throw the clone off the roof.
He was arrested for attempting to make an obscene clone fall.
In college, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
In my twenties, I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
When I was in college, I used to live in a houseboat and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
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