So, I was in a coffee shop drinking tea, and when I reached down to tie my shoe, my tea was gone!

I saw this guy with the same cup as me and chased him down the street. Finally caught up with him and realized...that’s not my cup of tea

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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i once attended a black-tie affair in flip-flops

it was quite the sandal.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/berninicaco3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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What do you call a cat in a Tie Fighter?

An Im-purr-ial pilot

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sprinbok-Gaming
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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What do you do when a nintendo game ends in a tie?

You ask for a wiimatch.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fabulousump
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Do You know how to tie the knot in space?

I'm floating away very quickly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/camocase
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2020
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I looked rather dapper in my pants, coat and tie, if I don't say so myself!

The clothes suited me.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2020
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What do you call a fish in a tie?

Sofishticated

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrantMC80
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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I was in a Tie & Dye tshirt making workshop. I had pun.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/enonimosu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2018
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I cut a tie in half

And dropped them at the same time which half won?

Neither.

It was a tie.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearlegion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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I’m gonna tie this rope in the shape of the letter Y.

Because Y knot.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Heisy123
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
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Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
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The punch line might tie in perfectly with the joke...

or it might knot.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Litingphires
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2014
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Boy will I look- flashy in my new tie! thisiswhyimbroke.com/ligh…
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i81potato
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
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What do you call 2 guys tied up and stuck in a window?

Kurt and Rod

πŸ‘︎ 148
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greenthegreen
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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When the moon hits your eye, Like a big pizza pie, That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.

When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.

When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?

When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?

When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!

In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.

Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.

A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.

When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.

When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?

πŸ‘︎ 683
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComeAbout
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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My friend walks into my room and starts tying knots in my charging cable.

Without hesitating, I respond, "You know, that's knot in a cord with what most people call good manners."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eThunderSnow
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at hi
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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My time in the Boy Scouts really made me a supporter of gay marriage

It’s where I learned you can tie the knot in different ways

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8675309ice
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is

a hairball

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/404wav
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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Birmingham (UK) man loses job after 45 years at company

A Brummie was made redundant after working for the same company for 45 years. He quickly gets an interview with one of his ex companies rivals. His friends advise him that he should wear a suit and tie to the interview to try and make a good impression, unfortunately the interview is the same day and his only suit he has is the one he wore to his original interview in 1975.

He quickly gets dressed in his brown suit, complete with flares, wide lapels and a kipper tie.

He made quite the impression on his entrance and when the interviewer invited him into his office, he said "nice kipper tie" to which he replied " milk and 2 sugars please"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adidassamba
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.

Some insist on a shirt.

Others insist on a pair of socks.

The argument always ends in a tie.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Two pieces of string slither into a bar...

They climb up a couple of bar stools and have a seat. One of them says to the bartender, "Hey, give me and my partner here a beer would you?"

The bartender replied, "Sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So they climb down off of the bar stools and slither across the floor and out of the bar.

One says to the other,"Lets go down the street. I know of a better bar than this one anyways."

"Now wait a minute, said the other string.This is clearly discrimination!"

"Well what do you intend to do about it?"said the other string?

"I'm going to go back in with a disguise and I'll get that damn beer." So he ties himself in a knot, frazzles up one end of himself,goes back into the bar,slithers across the floor and climbs up the bar stool. He says to the bartender, "I'd like a beer please."

The bartender says," Wait a minute . Aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a while ago?"

So the string said, "No.I'm a frayed knot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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I tied a computer mouse to my fishing road and it resulted in a highly successful catch.

Apparently, the fish love click bait.

edit:- rod*

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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Everyone should try tying their partner up at some point in the relationship.

It's a great bonding experience!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/InDaRed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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Special Report: Execution Botched Today Due to Hangman's Absence During Knot Tying Seminar in his Youth

Breaking Noose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeywithanr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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I didn't make this up but I wish I knew who did.

It was a gloomy day for a funeral. The widow weeped quietly in the front row. A distinguished gentleman approached her and said "Ma'am, I'm so sorry for your loss. Would you mind if I said a word?" "Please do", she replied. He stands, straightens his tie, and says "Plethora." Then he sits down. "Thank you," she said.

"That means a lot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eap42
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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If one is an expert in tying knots,

One does knot simply.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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My first time doing puns in real life. Ik it's horrible

So today, I had a conversation with my friend while walking home from school. At one point my lace untied and he pointed that out to me while we were walking past a 7eleven. I am horrible at making puns so forgive me. I shall call him J

J: You u should tie up your shoes

Me(pointing to the lays packet in the store): I can't be bothered tying my shoe-lays

J: You should stop spread them all around the "play-se" (place)

Me: Well maybe you should stop lay-zing around and actually study(he couldn't reply to that cuz all he does is lay-ing around aimlessly. Haha! See what I did there!)

Conversation deviates

Me: come follow me to Cheers let's look for a giftcard

J: nah

Me: get your lay-z ass over to cheers u ungrateful bitch! u make my life lays miserables

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZmentAdverti
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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My dad went a bit overboard; he bought ten different silk ties during his stay in China.

I think he should have stopped at Taiwan.

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mechaxis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2016
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Two snails were in a race, and they tied.

I guess you could call it a snailmate.

πŸ‘︎ 108
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2018
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A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thundernugs_
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
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Two artists tied in a competition.

It was a draw.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Polarase
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2017
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Boats are tied for the fastest thing in the universe.

They are always traveling at C.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yzRPhu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
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A construction worker goes to a fancy restaurant and his a dress code problem.

The man goes into the fancy restaurant and have a discussion with the host:

Host Sir, you cannot come in here with out a belt. We have standards.

The man goes out to his car and puts on a belt fashioned out of some rope. He goes back in.

Host Alright.... I guess you have a belt....You still need a jacket.

The man goes back out to his car and fishes out a jacket his wore to a wedding a year ago. He shares it off, brushes it with his hand, and puts it on.

Host Ok. You still need a tie. It is required.

The man goes out to his car. He doesn't have a tie. He puts on jumper cables and makes a perfect Windsor knot.

Host You have a belt and a jacket. I guess you have a tie.

Just don't try to start something....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WinnieTheEeyore
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Just watched two Silkworms chase each other up a leaf..

..It ended in a Tie

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
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I keep my kid tied up in the backyard...

Baby goats make way too much of a mess to keep them in the house

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2017
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An old cowboy and his horse

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon and ties it outside. He enters the bar, sits down, and orders a whiskey.

Minutes later he hears someone ride off with his horse. He runs outside, and sure enough, his horse is gone.

He goes back in the saloon, fires his gun three times in the air, and says "At the count of ten my horse better be back here. I don't want to do what I had to do in Laredo."

A few minutes later, he sees through the door his horse being returned.

Just before he leaves the saloon, the bartender whispers to him "so what did you have to do in Laredo?"

The cowboy says "I had to walk home".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender replies, "I'm sorry, but you're a rope. I can't serve you, and I'm not even sure how I could. Please leave."

A short time later, the rope comes back into the bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender, a bit annoyed at the situation, says, "Look, I told you I can't serve you. Just go away."

A few hours later, the rope comes back in again.

The bartender is getting mad now. "Look, I told you twice that I can't serve alcohol to a rope! Now get out and STAY OUT!"

Dejectedly, the rope leaves the bar and sits at the curb until a gentleman passes by. Suddenly, the piece of rope has an idea.

"Excuse me", says the rope, "but could you do me a favor?"

"Um... me?" says the puzzled gentleman. "Uh... I guess so..."

"Great! I just need you to tie a big ol' knot right in my middle."

"Well," says the gentleman. "I just so happens I was a former Eagle Scout. Here you go," and ties a perfect knot in the rope. "Will that be all?"

The rope pauses for a second and says, "Actually, could you pull apart my ends and unravel them for a bit?"

The gentleman obliges and goes on his merry way. The piece of rope, satisfied at its new appearance, heads back into the bar.

Furious, the bartender shouts, "HEY! Aren't you that same piece of rope I kicked out three times already?!?"

"No, I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernameshortage
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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Which is stretchier -- rubber or skin?

Skin, because Jesus tied his ass to a tree and walked to Jerusalem.

(A mom joke! By my 88-year-old church-going mother-in-law.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MintOtter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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I’m developing a comic series, and I need a short pun as the title.

This is about a school janitor who murders children at the school he works at, and I’m looking for either a pun about cleaning or a pun that can somehow tie in murder/violence with cleaning in some way. Strange request, I know.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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A man and a woman are at a bar

A man and a woman are sitting in a bar. After some time, the woman notices that the man has not looked in her direction once. Curious, she asks the man if he would like to buy her a drink.

Playing coy the man responds, "Ma'am, you are beautiful indeed, but are you talented as well?"

Feeling flirty, the woman takes a cherry from the bar and puts it in her mouth, stem and all. Within seconds she swallows the cherry, spits out the seed, and reveals the stem, tied in a perfect knot.

The man chuckles. Without another word he picks up a cherry and pulls off the stem. He puts the stem in his mouth, and pounds the rest of his beer in one gulp, revealing and empty mouth to the woman.

Perplexed, the woman asks, "Is that supposed to impress me?"

Confidently, the man replies, "Indeed I do believe it will."

She laughs and says, "It will? Are you shitting me?"

He responds, "I shit you knot."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadeToDisagree
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!

Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FalseBlood8746
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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Two silk worms had a race

They ended up in a tie!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZdogDaBoss623
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
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A rope a walks into a bar and the bartender points to a sign, says "Can't you read?! No Ropes allowed". The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, " ain't you that rope again"?! The rope replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed not"!
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goodboyBill
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
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Two silkworms started a race

They ended up in a tie

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeletedForSpamm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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