He said, "Hey kid, watch how far I can kick this bucket."
It was a Sting operation.
Oh, i’m sure you could, I said, but I don’t think they’d look good on you.
*true story.
What do they do with the rest of the mole?
Me: was I unmuted?
"Surely you can't be cirrus?" I said to her.
"Prohibition." She wasn't as amused as I was, I'm afraid.
A magician should do the trick.
"How about that," I replied.
... The Road to Hell (part 2)
I said "It doesn't really mean anything"
I said “it’s generally not frowned upon”.
I said, “Ok. And for the main course?”
A man walks up to the still next to him, rubs his eyes and asks “Am I really seeing a horse drinking at a bar right now, or are my eyes deceiving me?”
The horse looks up and says “The only thing you can be certain of is that you exist. Everything else could be illusion.”
The horse was reading Renee Descartes’s Discourse on Method and had just discovered “I think, therefore I am.”
I would have said what the book was at the beginning, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.
All of the ladies that worked there were trapped at one of the upstairs windows and they were frantically yelling for help.
Quickly, the man pulled over and tied a hammock between two fence posts that were just below the window. But the ladies were afraid to jump because they didn't think the hammock would hold them.
The flames were getting much worse, so the beekeeper did the only thing he could think of. He went back to his truck and retrieved a very special bee that he kept in a box labeled "in case of a brothel fire"
Sure enough, this special bee flew right up into the open window where all the ladies had gathered. Of course this just made them panic even more. One by one this bee chased each lady until all sense was lost and she leaped out the window, landing safely in the outstretched hammock below.
When all the ladies had reached the ground safely the specially trained bee returned to his box. Then the ladies turned to the beekeeper and offered him their gratitude. But he refused. "After all," he explained, "it wasn't me that saved you. It was the hornet."
My little brother wants to have one for his birthday party, and I want to help him set it up, so he doesn't have more work to do. I'm just not sure how to go about it to ensure the best jokes reign supreme. Any ideas from reddit's wittiest group?
I'm going through a lot right now.
My dad, who's in his 50's, bought a new Tesla Model S and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to let her rip!
As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red & blue lights behind him. "There's no freakin' way they can catch a Tesla," he thought to himself. So he let her rip further. The needle hit 100, 120… then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, examined it, then said:
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
My dad thinks for a second then says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Let’s ask our guide, Rudolph, whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”
As their tour guide approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?”
“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”
The man quietly replied, “Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!"
Two mini cooks spoil the broth.
We have a family reunion coming up. A few years ago we made t-shirts that said "No cross words at the Smith Family reunion" and had everyone's names in a crossword. For the life of me I can't think of anything to put on this year's shirts. Open to any and all suggestions 😁
Oh well, hind sight is 1.
I turned to her, asked "Do you know what we have here?" removed my sunglasses, "It's a case of he said, tree said."
Then I realized I can just read some here
As you've read, my neighbour is a drummer. He keeps playing at odd hours of the night and I've tried many times to talk to him about it but he just yells at me to mind my business.
Do you think I should ride this one out or is he just being drum-atic?
She visited the famous Prince of the East: Prince Merling.
As soon as she arrived, Prince Merling dropped to one knee and kissed her hand.
"Franklina! No one is as beautiful as you!"
The woman looked down at him and said, "Prince Merling, everyone calls me Frankly. Please call me that."
"Yes, my dear. Whatever you want. I wish to marry you! What would you like, anything in the world I will give it to you."
She paused, completely taken aback by the caring nature of the prince.
"Well the one thing I'd like is a massive area of water. I want it to be built by man. I want it to keep all this water together so it can be drunk by millions of people."
The Prince's face turned from excitement to disappointment.
“What’s wrong? Don’t you think this is a good idea?” she asked.
He stood slowly to his feet. Finally, with tears in his eyes he told her softly:
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a dam."
"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.
Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye. I'll never forget how supportive my Norman was. Even as he was fading away, he kept on whispering to me, "Be positive, be positive!"
That was my Norman! Always thinking of others."
EDIT: thanks for my first award whoever you were!
Nah, never mind. It's cornea than most, now that I really think about it. Highly iris-ional of me.
I said, "Oman!"
Give me the anecdote.
I love y’all but I jut don’t have thyme to think about them but please curry on without me
but it was all just smoke and mirrors.
When I got back inside my car and started driving, I started to hear something rustling around inside the bags. It was something... alive! I couldn't for the life me think of what it was or how it got there. Then, the true fear set in. What if it's a rat or a mouse? So I pulled over, mustered up the courage to look inside the bag, and prepared for the worst. I opened the bag and saw 2 little eyes staring back at me from behind the chow mein. It turns out this whole time it was just the Peking Duck...
My 6-Year-Old and I are working on his pinewood derby car and he is sanding it now and I said “you’re doing fan-tastic”.
Without skipping a beat he looked at me, and said “I think you mean Sand-tastic” and gave me a finger gun.
I better warn the parents of the 1st grade girls that he is ready to be a dad.
As a treasure hunter, I had just gotten my hands on a treasure map that lead to the end of a rainbow when a small Irish man approached me. His limbs were being eaten by a flesh eating bacteria. Naturally I felt bad and asked him if there was anything I could do. He told me that he had a famous Van Gogh painting that he’d trade me for the treasure map. Seeing that the painting was worth far more, I obliged, thinking I had just gotten a steal. However, while I was walking home I noticed the man had signed it on the back. The little man had drawn the picture himself, and I had been duped. Let this be a lesson to all of you fellow treasure hunters- never trust a Leper-Con-Artist.
So my son came up to me the other day, and said "dad, I'm going out with friends. Can I have $20?".
So I asked him "$15, what the hell do you need $10 for? "
I heard this joke like 20 years ago and I still chuckle when I think of it.
To celebrate, we invited all the family and friends we could to my parents' house and then made the big announcement. Everyone was ecstatic and my father in particular was driven to tears. At a certain point during the night he pulled me aside and led me into his study, which I had never really been inside until this point. He opened a safe and produced cigars a bottle of whiskey and a large, beautifully bound book.
"I could never have asked for a better son," my father said, lighting the cigars and pouring the whiskey. "I hope you think I was a good enough father to deserve you."
“Of course, Dad," I said, "You were all I could've asked for and I wish my son admires me even half as much as I admire you."
“Now I've shared with you nearly everything I know," he said, "But not this one thing. This is the Big Book of Dad Jokes. There are many like it but this one is special. My father gave it to me when your mother and I first found out she was pregnant with you, and I studied it and studied it, learning all the dad jokes I could and mastering book's secrets. I hope it serves you as well as it served me in being a father... No... I know it will serve you well. I love you, my son."
“Dad... I don't know what to say... I'm honoured..."
“Hi Honoured, I'm Dad."
Good dad jokers of Reddit, lend me your skills!
My wife and her twin sister have a baking business and they're going to be showcasing their talent at a huge event here in town. They have shirts that my wife is going to add designs to and she wants baking puns. Think PG rating.
If you all can help me out I'd greatly appreciate it!
