I just finished painting a customer’s home and they were surprised with the bill...

Them: β€œYou’ve factored in all the labour, but what about the paint?” Me: β€œIt’s on the house”

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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Thank you

This isn't a dad joke. This is a thank you to everyone on this subreddit. 6 weeks ago the love of my life broke things off with me due to factors attributed to my mental health (which i didn't tell her about because she is struggling with uni and i didn't want her to worry) and I've been having an extremely difficult time coming to terms with it. She's falling for another guy while I've been self destructing to the point where she never wants to talk to me again. But i found this subreddit today, the jokes are so stupid and funny that for the first time since before the breakup, I've laughed and it was genuine. Thank you so much for your stupid jokes. You've saved my life as far as I'm concerned. I still have a long way to to, but this subreddit is definitely going to get me through it. Thank you πŸ’–

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xcixjames
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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My math teacher said that I'm a terrible student

How mean! If I had to sum it up, I would say that’s not the best mode to say that to me. Maybe they should try to factor in the student’s feelings when telling them they need to tell them they need to fix their grade. I told them to factor that in next time, but they just couldn’t see my logic.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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With great power...

..Comes greater difficulty in factorizing the polynomial.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
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You all know how 7 ate 9, right?

I suppose it was pretty obvious. 7 always was an odd number. Even 10 wasn’t shocked. 11 was all primed for the party, but when he factored in the whole situation, 12 split for (4) 3’s house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rockslacasa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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This was my father's text to me this morning concerning Harrison Ford.

Him: Harrison Ford injured in crash landing of a piece of junk. Wondering if special modifications were contributing factor. Inquired about Chewbacca's condition. Nancy assured me this was a solo flight.

Me: you're the devil.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dsubandbeard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2015
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Getting our things home after vacation

We're on vacation, and due to work and other factors we are all heading home at different times on different flights. My mom says to my dad:

"Can we discuss how we're getting shit home?"

"Well it'll be way easier if you go to the bathroom and just leave it here"

EDIT: a few minutes later, my Mom needed help fitting something into one of our bags. She asked my dad for a hand. He clapped.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plammy_sosa
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2014
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My mom snuck a good one in this morning.

I walk out to the car on the way to work, forgot my keys, so I run back inside. Mom looks up and asks what I forgot. I said, 'keys!' As I hurry past her in the kitchen. Without skipping a beat she replies " well you know those are a KEY factor in getting to work?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/drLeoSpacceman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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Recurring Grandad joke

I only got to see my grandpa on my mom's side about once a year usually growing up, but there was always one common factor of each visit.

At some point during the catching up conversations, Pa (what we called him) would get a real dejected look on his face. Then he'd face my mom:

"Oh Vicky... guess who died?"-Pa

"Oh no... Who?"-Mom

"Elvis." -Pa

He'd then giggle, finger fun, and slap his thigh. Every. Single. Year.

I have a feeling he used that one for the better part of 40 years.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krerickson
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2014
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