He got tolled off by the vicar.
Oompa Loompas are already short staffed.
Told him I'm a Die Hard fan
He was playing on the road again.
The bartender says "Oi, mate! Did you notice the steering wheel on your willy?"
"Yar," says the pirate, "It's drivin' me nuts!"
I am trying to come up with a name for a boat rental company that is aimed towards college students. It needs to be something raunchy/punny that people will laugh at and remember.
So far I have: Boats n Ho’s Wet Willie Water rentals Wet n Wild rentals (already taken but an example)
So I’m hoping the internet will do its magic and help me find a name for this place! Let me know if there’s a better subreddit I should post this in!
You know what they say about old habits...
Many years ago, Red Skelton told the following joke using his inebriate character, Willie Lump Lump.
Willie explained to the young lady, “I keep a mongoose in my coat pocket. That way, when I go home after drinking, and there are snakes all over the lawn of my yard, I let the mongoose loose and he kills them all, so it’s safe for me to enter the house.”
The young woman sadly tried to explain, “I’ve got news for you, Mr. Lump Lump, those snakes are imaginary!”
Willie Lump Lump replied, “I’ve got news for you, so is the mongoose!”
http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/willie-lump-lump-and-the-mongoose/
"I was watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and it gave me a craving for a chocolate bar so I went and bought one. This is probably why I should stop watching Breaking Bad."
They give her the free willies.
He said, "I don't know, dad, I'm only three!"
Summer 2019 - "Unbreak-a-bowl" coming to a theater near you!
What a cool idea
How to be an efficient cannibal by Nora Bone
Insulating your home by Phil MacAvity
Sky diving by Willie Maykit
Tripods by Ivar Bigen
How to use a grenade by Chuck Boom
Reaching new lows by Ben Doone
Overstepping boundaries by Ivanna Hug
Silly footwear by Phillip Phillop
How to lose your job by Wayne King
That’s not the kettle boiling by Tim Whistleprick
Beginning of a Slippery Slope argument.
The cast, made up of high-profile action stars, were choosing their roles.
Sylvester Stallone went "I want to be Mozart!". Bruce Willis said "Then I'll be Beethoven!" and Jean -Claude Van Damme, "I'll go with Tchaikovsky".
After a moment of silence, Arnold Schwarzenegger stood up, looked at everyone in the room, and said "I'll be Bach".
... and were shooting the breeze!
Stalone: Hey fellas. I'm thinking of making a movie of the greatest, classical composers of all times! I'll play Beethoven!
Statham: I'll be Mozart!
van Damme: Oooh, I'll be Chopin!
Willis: I'll be Schubert!
Lundgren: I'll be Handel!
Stalone: Arnold? What about you?
Schwarzenegger: No, I'm not going to say it! No, I'm not!
All: Come one! Say it! Say it!
Schwarzenegger: Ugh, I'll be ... I'll be ... I'll be Bach!
(an oldie, but still a goodie)
One evening, three strings are hanging out looking for something to do. They eventually decide to go to the local pub for a beer. Before walking in, one string says, “Wait a moment…I heard that they don’t serve strings here…we better find something else to do”.
“Nonsense!”, says the first string. “Just follow me.”
They walk in and approach the bar. The first string confidently says, “Good evening sir. May I please order three beers for me and my mates?”.
The bartender looks at them dubiously and asks, “Wait a second….aren’t you strings?”.
The strings nod and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here…Get out!”.
The strings dejectedly walk back onto the street, and the second string says, “Hey I’ve got an idea. Follow me”.
They walk back up to the bar and the second string says, “Good evening sir. I’d like to order three beers, plus drinks on the house for everyone!”.
A small cheer goes up among the other bar patrons, and the bartender smiles and turns to fill the order, but then stops. “Wait a minute…aren’t you strings?”, he asks.
Again, they nod and the bartender says, “We don’t serve strings here….Get out, and don’t come back!”.
The strings slink back out once again. At this point, the third string says, “I’ve got it!”.
He flips upside down and rubs his head on the sidewalk until it’s sticking up all willy nilly, and ties himself into a knot. He then strides up to the bar and says, “Bartender! Get me a beer!”.
The bartender looks at him and asks, “Aren’t you a string?”.
The string then stares him straight in the eyes and says, “I’m a frayed knot”.
It really put the willy's up me....
Spruce Willis (Bruce Willis)
Matthew Mahogany (Matthew Maconahay? Tell me how to spell it)
Mirk Russel (Kurt Russel)
Clint Oakwood (Clint Eastwood)
Benedict Lumberthatch (Benedict Cumberbatch)
Ashwood Kutcher (Ashton Kutcher)
Birch Reynolds (Bert Reynolds)
Russel Branch (Russel Brand)
Dwayne "The Log" Johnson (Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson)
My 9 year old daughter upon seeing the movie Free Willy available on Netflix: Dad, what's Free Willy about?
Me: Freeing Willy
The look she gave me about made me want to to die hahaha.
The first guy replies, “Oh, Willy?”
I was talking about music with a friend, when this bit of conversation happened:
Her: I really don't like country music.
Me: How come?
Her: I don't know. It just gives me the creeps.
Me: So, you could say it gives you the Willie Nelsons?
Her: ...
Her: You're horrible.
...fundarnmental_ePuns are here. (https://www.reddit.com/r/Fundarnmental_ePuns/) Now you can submit all the willy wittiest photos wordplay for all the world to see!!
This looked like a good place to x-link this, hope I don't get punished for it...
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
- Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
- It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
- What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
- Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
- Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
- Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
- If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
- Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
- Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
- American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
- The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
- Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
- Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
- Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
- Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
- Rittal me this, Batman!
- Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
- Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
- If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
- When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
- You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
- Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
- Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
- Don't think Seton is
One evening, I was on Teamspeak talking with a few people I know; one of them being a German guy called Willi.
He's gone away from the keyboard for a few minutes and someone asks where he is. A friend of his jokes that he's probably jerking off to porn.
To which I replied "Are you trying to tell me he's playing with his Willi?"
Cue groans from the entire channel.
~100 Yards to the Outhouse, the True Story of Willy Maket by Betty Dont
~One Legged Woman by Eileen Offtin
~The Yellow River by I.P. Freely
~Stripper Bliss by Ivana Taketoff
~Lines in the Sand by Dick Dragon
