I recently moved and my dad is visiting for the first time.
We were driving around town and I was pointing out to him all the happening spots when he casually said, "looks pretty dead in here."
I look over to see him gesturing towards the local graveyard...
True story: many years ago I adopted a new dog. Took him to his first visit to the vet.
The lady at the vet: “what’s his name?”
Me: “The shelter told me his name is Toby”
Her: “Well, what does he think his name is?”
Me: “........ Kunte Kinte”
She didn’t get it. Once in a lifetime joke wasted.
When's the best time to visit the dentist?
True story: I was visiting my wife in the hospital but the room didn't have a bed to lay down in so I laid down on the floor since I was tired. The nurse came in and asked "having a good time down there"?
I said "oh yeah. I'm just floored".
Why did the conductor visit Florida?
I visited the birth place of the guy who invented the toothbrush.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but due to the ongoing pandemic, would it be smart to stay at least 6ft away from the chips and dip when visiting a Mexican restaurant?
You know, Salsa Distancing.
When visiting France, one has to go to the structure that allows sufficient observation to discover more than enough to be satisfied.
Oui, a visit to the Eyeful Tower is always recommended when vacationing in France.
I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
What did Austin Powers say when he visited the apiary?
When you visit Boston, what do the street magicians and fish wives have in common?
They will both insist that you “pick a cod”
I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
The family wanted to visit some caverns.
I didn’t want to go, but eventually I caved.
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...
'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.
Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.
My wife and I are finally fulfilling my lifelong dream of visiting The Golden Gate in person.
She said, “What would you do when you finally see it?”
I said, “I’ll cross the bridge when I get there.”
Why haven't the aliens visited earth yet?
They read the reviews... only one star
What's the best time to visit a watchmaker?
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
I went to visit my friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I found was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
My brother, who’s a cowboy, always sits on the stove when he visits us.
He says that it makes him feel more at home... on the range.
What did the student say after visiting the Thomas Edison Museum?
I enjoyed being enlightened
I just went to go visit my late grandmother buried in the cemetery, but when I went there I found her dancing!
It was quite the Plot Twist
Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..
..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.
Once upon a time when I visited the dentist........
Doctor: What's the problem?
Me: I'm a moth.
Doctor: Excuse me?
Me: I'm a moth.
Doctor: Maybe you should see a psychiatrist not a dentist.
Me: I went to the psychiatrist about an hour ago.
Doctor: Then what are you doing here?
Me: Your light was on.
My wife can't function unless she visits the chiropractor...
I'm afraid she is addicted to crack.
I've visited all the Italian chapels, from first to last. My favourite was the
If you are visiting Rome, be forewarned: it might take you a long time to get out of the city.
All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.
After the borders reopen I am going to visit Greenwich, England!!!
There is a lot that I want to accomplish in The Mean Time!!
Why did the paladin have to visit the tire shop after killing an innocent bystander?
Because he was out of alignment.
I had to reschedule a work meeting today to bring my son to the orthodontist. My coworker said she was thinking the same thing because she has to visit the dentist.
I told her that was quite coinciDENTAL.
I work with a small town search and rescue. We recently had a guy visiting from the big city to do some kayaking on the river.
He doesn't know the area and gets himself lost. All he does know is that there are a lot of grizzly bears roaming around during the salmon spawn this time of year, so he's quite afraid to get out of his kayak.
The temperature starts to drop. He needs to stay warm, and decides to build a fire inside his little boat on the river.
He learnt a valuable lesson that night: you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Dora and Diego visit the North West in winter
Dora and Diego travel to the Pacific Northwest in the middle of winter. Suddenly they realise that there is a problem with their car, so they quickly pull into a nearby garage. The mechanic comes out and asks them "so what's wrong with your car?" Dora replies:
"Wiper no Wiping!!"
What's the place people want to visit the most?
The graveyard people are just dying to go there
Why did Odysseus visit the marijuana dispensary?
He was sailing for Indica
Visiting my parents for the first time since COVID. He has taken up cropdusting people and proclaiming, "Surprise health check." To make sure you can smell and/or taste still.
Sorry not a witty one-liner but peak of dad humor.
I visited the doctor today and he told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home and moved it to a lower shelf.
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
I had a really disappointing visit to the zoo. They only had one animal, and that was only a dog.
Every time I visit my Dad in St. Louis, he walks into the room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong...
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
I just figured out why I enjoy visiting the mint.
To me, it just makes cents.
Loosing weight using the internet is so damn difficult. Like every weightloss website I visit,
Napoleon was visiting a friend at his new estate. The friends great pride was his lavatory which was a big room with pottet plants, beautiful tapestries and carpets. When Napoleon saw this he was gobsmacked and exclaimed "What a loo!"
I was visiting my pregnant friend at the hospital, and the only parking spot I could find was in the C section.
I had to climb out of the sunroof.
When is the best time to visit the dentist?
Every time I visit my dad in St. Louis, he will walk into a room looking depressed until whatever girl I've brought home for the holidays asks what's wrong.
His reply: "Oh, I live in a state of Missouri."
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