The Tuesdays Puns

turns out it's by the Cinnabon.

Because all that's left is WTF.

He's afraid of that chip tonight.

You should have. There was an election lasting longer than 4 hours.

(My dad made this joke up. Seriously.)

That was last Tuesday, and I still haven’t got all the crumbs out of my hair.

Because you're supposed Tuesday on the ground.

Now sails are going through the roof

Source: New York Times Crossword Puzzle, Tuesday Sept 24, 2019, 6 Down

http://imgur.com/gallery/3GUE8

This was a group text from me to both of the kids. The younger was born exactly nine months from the Tuesday in question. The older one responded with a thumbs down.

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Diet Coke. We drink until we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our friggin' lungs out. If you get cancer, it's okay -- you're already dead.

Guy: Golly!

Devil: I bet you like to gamble, too.

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it. You like to do drugs?

Guy: Yes, I love to do drugs. You don't mean...?

Devil: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of the Titanic. You can do all the drugs you want, and you'll never die -- you're already dead.

Guy: Neat! I never realized hell was such a happenin' place!

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No.

Devil: Oh, you're gonna hate Fridays

Last week, this gem was posted: https://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes/comments/ckwidu/a_wife_asks_her_husband_could_you_please_go/

I told my wife and kids, got groans. Later, I was on the phone with my dad, making plans to meet at Fenway Park, and told him. He loved it and told my mom. A couple of hours later, he calls me back and is still dying over the joke.

Tuesday night, I was taking my parents to the game (Mothers/Fathers day gift) and met them at the park. When my wife and I arrived, they handed my wife a bag of avocados.

Thanks r/dadjokes for consistently brightening my day.

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says “Just so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

“Is your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and “that was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

The gym teacher said “How flexible are you?”

So the man said “Well, I can’t make Tuesday’s”.

Me: It looks like it's going to rain on Tuesday

Gf: Don't trust that too much, the weather is like never right

Me: Not if it's 90 degrees outside

I got a really good sigh out of that

My New Year’s resolution is to be more limber and athletic, so I asked the instructor at my gym: “Can you teach me to do the splits in 4 weeks?”

Instructor: ”That depends; how flexible are you?”

Me: ”I can’t make Tuesdays”

A dead rabbit stands at the pearly gates, confronted by God.

'What did you have for breakfast over the last week?' God asks. 'Well' said the rabbit, 'let me see. On Monday I had peanut butter on toast, on Tuesday it was jam on toast, on Wednesday I had marmite on toast...' 'I see' God interrupted, 'you died of myxing-ya-toastis'

I was trying to read the daily specials, but from my seat I could only really see Sunday's. I asked him what the rest of the days were. He said, "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday."

Its an essay over the movie Cast Away and its about how the eggtimer, from the beggining of the movie, represents mechanical time(clocks) and how the waves on the island represent biological time(the human life cycle). Give me the best you've got!

Edit: I have untill tuesday (10/13/13)

(This joke just deserved a more catchy title, sorry for the mess.)

Every Tuesday growing up, we had German sausages and sauerkraut for dinner - my dad's favorite. Since I can remember, my dad has told this joke and never misses a chance telling it till this day:

"You know kids, it's not the sausage that makes you fat, it's the sauce!"

Both my younger sister and l looked at eachother, rolled our eyes and thought - why is he telling this joke every single time.. it doesnt make sense! There is no sauce here! Only fried sausages, sauerkraut and potatoes. In fact, where is the goddamn sauce, we could need it. This dish is dry as shit! My poor mom shrugged her shoulders, seemingly just as confused.

When i was about 11-12, I caught up on my dad's hinting and eye contact after the punch line.. he wanted me to get the joke so bad at this point lol. I had a moment, as they say. Oh... OOHH. BOOM. Omg the "SAUCE"!! From the sausage.. makes some people fat.. as in pregnant.. Mind. Blown.

My sister, around 8 at that time, had a few hundred more sausage dinners to "ketchup" ;) I'm not doing so bad myself, 'ey?

Edit: For the slow people out there, this joke is about sausage=penis, sauce=sperm and getting fat=pregnant. Did you have your moment too?? Admittingly, the joke works better in my native language, but you get the idea.

Last week a wheel broke off my office chair and I kept it because I'm never one to pass on the chance for prop humor.

On Tuesday I got invited out with two of my friends to go grab a drink after work, I was told their girlfriends would be there too.

I pocketed my wheel and brought it with me to the bar, after a while when the couples started getting into their own chit chat I silently placed the wheel on the bar.

My friend asked me why there was a wheel on the bar and I told him "Oh, I'm just solidifying my spot as the fifth wheel."

I laughed and then died a little on the inside.

This happened verbatim on Tuesday afternoon.

Discussing emergency surgery on my one month old son with the anesthesiologist. I said:

"I hope you have an alternate method for putting him to sleep. He isn't too good at counting back from 100 yet."

While the doctor got a good chuckle out of that my wife dropped her head into her hands and said "dadjokes. It's too soon for that crap."

It is never too soon for dadjokes!

Tested it on Monday and it worked great, so he spent Tuesday - Thursday sailing it around. On Saturday the bow ruptured and it sank. The man sighed, shook his head and mumbled "shoulda known".

What caused the sub to fail?

The weekend.

Eating steak

"This is the best steak I've had all day!"

End of my birthday

"This was the best birthday you've had all year!"

Any day of the week

"This was the best Sunday/Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday/Friday/Saturday I've had all week!"

Along with the New Years jokes and other various annual holidays.

On Tuesday I asked my daughter a silly question. She looked at me funny and I asked, "What? Were you born yesterday?" Baby girl was born Monday. I wore that prideful grin while my wife groaned. But now... my sweet baby's outgrown the joke :(

So we went through the drive through, and when we were handed our food, we realized that we all had gotten large fries instead of the regular medium size...

Dad- what is it...large fry day?

Me- no dad, it's Tuesday, not Friday.

Dad- ಠ_ಠ

"I need to book an appointment asap, its about an ongoing toothache"

"Thats fine sir, the earliest we have is at 11 am Tuesday if thats ok with you?"

Dad- "Are you sure you heard me correctly? I said toothache, I need the appropriate time slot for that type of appointment,"

"What do you mean sir? What would be your preferred time and I can see if there's an availability"

Dad- "Two-thirty"

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday... exactly the same as yours.

(Just used that one on my friend.
Yes, I'm a dad.)

When I was little, Dad used to treat me to an icecream Sundae from McDonald's every now and then. The only thing was, these days never seemed to fall on an actual Sunday. "Yes my good man, one Chocolate Tuesday please!"

It was Tuesday night and we were at my work Christmas party when my boss comes to our table. Him: "The Sunday bar is open". Me: "But it's Tuesday". Him: "Look here, we don't need another smart ass. I have that position covered quite well". My mother(who normally is quit witted), "O_o I don't get it". My boss and me: -__-face palm

After walking through the room he is sitting in saying "HUMP DAY!"

He responds with: "Heh, but don't even ask me about Tuesdays on Twitter." I pause for a moment thinking.. "What's Tuesdays on Twi-.." "I told you not to ask me."

A fellow employee walks in looking for one of my cube mates, Lynn. Employee was informed that Lynn works from home on Tuesdays and walks away. 2 minutes later, my other cube mate begins singing "looking for Lynn in all the wrong places" to great comedic effect.