The produce person at my grocery store said I should try this vegetable, “It’s out of this world ... radical!” he exclaimed.
In truth, it was just rad-ish.
I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
My friend told me if I want to get out of doing the dishes, try dropping some of them. I tried it, it didn't work.
But then during babysitting.
I went out onto the ocean to try and spot some whales
But the ink kept washing away.
My Dad - “Why was the cheese afraid of try-outs?”
“He was worried he wouldn’t be gouda nough”
I spent all night try to figure out where the sun was...
As I grab my phone my wife tries to playfully take it away and I tell her stop I need to charge the fuck out of it..
She says "Why? How much does it owe you"
I let my buddy try these special glasses that let you visualize the words that come out of someone's mouth.
"Whoa", he replied, "I see what you're saying".
There was some controversy in the sports world this week, when they allowed some athletes to try out for the Olympic gymnastics team more than once
I thought it was just revaulting
I love the way old and out-of-touch people try to sound cool when they use slang they don't understand.
I call it their "artifical hip".
I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if it had something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.
So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.
I bought a container of protein powder, but then had to spend several seconds with my fingers knuckle-deep in the powder itself, trying to fish out the little plastic scoop that’s included.
Man I’m glad that’s out of the whey.
Medusa tried to get a job in the microbiology lab, but all her samples turned out badly.
I'm sick and tired of people coming into my house, trying to sell me books, and then just marching out and leaving the door wide open.
Were these people born in a Barnes and Noble or something?
As much as they tried, the ladies couldn't get Mr. Peanut out onto the dance floor.
He was a bit of a wall nut.
I'm trying to make herb roasted chicken for dinner and just ran out of one of the ingredients...
I don't have thyme for this
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.
Did you hear about the guy trying out for editor for the sums series of Math Magazine?
It was an addition edition audition.
Still scratching my head in confusion, trying to understand why was I thrown out of the interview room???
My answer was spot on, upon being asked to give an example on a "Business being completely ruined due to carelessness"
All I said was... "A Pregnant Prostitute"
I tried to make jokes about the millions unemployed and out of work.
I was just trying to enjoy a day out on the lake. No matter where you are, you can never escape the puns.
From my 5-year-old son: "Hey"
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled...
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the Sun went
My son tried to make me a rest bed with a built-in water station, but the water kept squirting out.
I smiled and told him, "Hey, it's the cot that founts!"
My friends and I tried to bypass the quarantine laws by dressing up as crows and hanging out together on top of a telephone wire
Unfortunately, someone called the police on us and we got arrested for attempted murder.
Trying to figure out the reason why I have such difficulty with operating my doorbell.
I just can’t put my finger on it.
I tried to substitute eggroll skins instead of the usual for my fried Chinese dumplings. They tasted the same, but came out rectangular.
I guess it's back to square won.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...
"I'm on antidepressants."
He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.
While I was walking the dog, our 4 yo was harassing my wife for a treat. She texted “She’s trying to get a popsicle out of me.”
I responded “But you’re not a freezer.”
I could feel the eye roll down the street.
For years, I've been trying to figure out what the philtrum is.
Turns out the answer has been right under my nose the whole time.
I tried learning about all the different kinds of aircraft but I quickly found out girls didn’t like that basic personality trait
They thought I was such a plane guy
An actual conversation between my wife and my son yesterday.
My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
A hot actress tried out for my play. She spoke the archaic version of "your" beautifully...
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him...
...and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."
I was trying to figure out why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger
My nephew said he was trying to help out when he spilled a bucket of water from the hole in the ground...
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you shit faced.”
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
I was trying to get help for my mental health issues, but the guy helping me turned out to be completely crazy
He was a psycho therapist
My dad and I are trying to figure out the new football rules.
So 3 roads walked into a bar
A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"
Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"
Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"
As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"
The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"
"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".
The hot air balloon driver is refusing to come down, and the cops are still trying to figure out why.
Everything is still up in the air.
I tried to register slimshady.com, but it turns out that it is owned by the US Government.
They cited Eminem Domain.
I once stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went
I stayed up all night trying to figure out what happened to the sun.
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