down under the periodic table.
My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it!
True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says “they are knot holes”.
Miss4 says “if they are not holes, what are they?”
Who built the round table for King Arthur?
What’s the difference between a molecule of table salt and the late Sean Connery?
One has an ionic bond. The other was the iconic Bond.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
When my parents would go to the bar, my dad would always carry his drink to the table in his left hand and my mother’s in the other. I finally asked him why...
And he said, “Because your mother is always right.”
At the dinner table tonight
My wife cracks open an empty fortune cookie and asks, “What kind of fortune cookie doesn’t have a fortune??”
I chuckle between bites and say, “Call it a ... cookie.”
It really wasn’t funny but I haven’t laughed so hard in so long I ended up choking on my fried rice.
If I ever run a hotel, the free breakfast would be served from 7 tables all pushed together in the middle of the room.
It would be a Pangea breakfast
I'm applying coats of varnish to the table I'm making
My brother: Jeez, How many coats do you need? I'm sure the table is warm enough already!
Credit to u/the_richard_cranium. In a sub called r/nononono where things that had the potential to go wrong do, a woman struggles to put out a match. She sets it on the table, defeated failing to do so, but she forgot to put it out before doing so.
Confused, another redditor asked “What kind of match was that?” Cranium replied “No match for her apparently”
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Once I was in a yogurt shop minding my own business, when I heard a couple of women talking in an interesting accent at one of the nearby tables.
I glanced over and noticed that they were quite attractive. A little on the larger side, but that never stopped me before. So, yogurt cup in hand, I boldly approached their table.
“Excuse me,” I said, “I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation, and I noticed your lovely accents. Are you two ladies from Scotland by any chance?”
They immediately bristled at my question, obviously offended, and one of them snapped at me, “It’s Wales!”
“No offense intended,” I replied. “Please allow me to try again...are you two whales from Scotland?”
I accidentally stepped on my cats tail. The cat jumped, and I ended up kicking the table pretty hard. “Ouch!” I yelled
“YOU, ow?” The cat replied in disbelief.
“ME-ow”
What's the name of a knight of the round table?
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
So my daughter is clearing the table and holds her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
I've never been prouder.
My 6 yr old son has an attitude problem at the dinner table. He barely eats and always makes the rudest comments about the home-cooked food we provide him, so tonight we tried alphabet soup.
I really hope he eats his words.
Before we go to bed, my wife always recites the members of the round table..
Do you know why table cloths are the work of the devil?
Because they are made of satin
Ba-dum-tssss
Today I took a single Cheerio from my son’s bowl, stared him in the eyes, placed it on the table, smashed it with my fist, and said “Watch out...”
To the person who took my iPhone off the dinner table, when I was distracted.
I hope you face time soon.
How the tables have turned
What's a pirate's favourite element in the periodic table?
Gold. Why would he like argon or carbon
What did the skeleton waiter say to his table?
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
Which of King Arthur's knights crafted the Round Table?
Why, Sir Cumference of course!
Lesser known Knights of the Round Table
“I was the knight no one expected to see on the battlefield.” - Sir Prize
“I shall see you around.” - Sir Cumference
“We shall fight on land or sea.” - Sir Fenturf
“I was the knight who was afraid to fight.” - Sir Render
“I was the unbelievable knight.” - Sir Real
“I was the knight that drank too much.” - Sir Rhosis
Scientists have discovered a new element in the periodic table.
The element will be represented by the letters AH. This is of course the element of surprise.
"Dad can you take your prosthetic off the table?"
"No, I'm trying to get a leg up."
(my actual amputee father)
I don't think she brings a lot to the table.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
I don’t hate ALL of the periodic table.
I can drink all my friends under the table, said my pal.
So nobody sees that you are drinking them? I asked
What do you call a dog who’s on a streak at the craps table?
The knights of the round table all had a unique set of skills
Do you think Sir Lancelot was good at jousting? Or just really liked it.
Who was the hottest knight at the Round Table?
Wife: "Can you clear the table."
I had to get a running start, but I managed it.
Which knight invented the round table?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
Who invented the round table?
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Which one of King Arthur's knights built the round table?
The roundest knight at the round table
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