The Supper Puns

Kraftwerk Mac N’ Cheese

"Would you like anything on your chips?"

"Does it cost extra?"

"Ten pence."

"All right, I'll have four sausages and a steak pie."

The way they're spelled.

Because he wouldn't beehive.

Ciao time...

I was a hare away.

All right, everyone who wants to be in the painting, get on this side of the table.

Aria going to finish that?

“We’ll need a table for 26 on Thursday” -ok, 26 for Thursday- “Well, there’s only 13 of us but we’re all going to sit on the same side”

My son told me that one of his friends was back at school today. I asked him where he had been and he told me he had mono but that it was really bad so it was really worse than mono. I replied with, good thing he didn't get stereo then. Blank stares all around...

Pass the bread.

Milk and Wookies.

The Last Dessert?

She couldn't find the pepper grinder, and asked me if I knew where it was. I told it that it had been assulted.

Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

Yesterday my three year old was pretending to be me -- deep voice, doing "the dishes," the whole bit. This lasted all afternoon into supper. During supper, my wife and I were both using his name, and he kept correcting us ("No, I'm daddy.") Eventually I just laughed and said "I'm confused."

His reply: "No, you're [my son's name]."

So this is a bit long, sorry about that.

Zorro and his best bud the Lone Ranger were riding through the desert one day, I forget where they were heading to or where they had come from, but we can safely assume shenanigans of some kind were the driving force.

They have been travelling for most of the day and are starting to get tired. There has been a discussion about making camp for the night, but as things are they have agreed to continue riding for a while longer, till the sun starts to set. Away and off to the west the Lone Ranger spies a plant that seems to have large pink flowers that hang in strips with white stripes running the length of them.

"Zorro, what's that over there?" he asks.

Zorro turns in his saddle and raises his hand to shield his eyes from the sun. "Ah, it looks like a bacon tree, quite common in these parts. Let's ride on, there is a good place an hour from now to set up camp."

The two friends ride on and as the sun is beginning to descend the have stopped and are making camp. As Zorro begins to make a fire he says to the Lone Ranger, "You know, I quite fancy some pork. You ride back to that bacon tree and get some for supper, and I'll finish setting up camp here."

"No problem Zorro, I won't be long" replies the Ranger, jumping back into the saddle and returning the way they came.

Time passes, and the sun begins to get low in the sky. 'Odd', thinks Zorro 'he should be back by now.' Another hour passes and the shadows are growing longer. 'I might have to go investigate, it's not like him to take his time.' More time passes, and, just as Zorro has decided that he must go search for his friend in the dwindling light, he hears the sound of Silver's hooves. Looking into the gathering gloom he sees his friend riding towards him. As the Lone Ranger nears Zorro can see the Lone Ranger is injured, there are cuts and bruises and he has an arrow through his hat.

"What on earth happened, Lone Ranger? Did you make it to the Bacon tree?"

The Lone Ranger dismounts and sighs heavily.

"That weren't no Bacon tree, Zorro. That was an Hambush."

My father his girlfriend and myself were out for supper yesterday. The waiter came around to take orders and she started with my dad's girlfriend. She orders her main dish and the waiter asks, "what would you like for your two sides?"

"what are my options?" his girlfriend asks.

To which my dad replies, "I believe just right and left."

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.

Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!

Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!

For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers

This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues

“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.

Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!

I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.

How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!

When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day

What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!

What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood

What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us

What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”

Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).

How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.

I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,

Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, “Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.

The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.

I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.

Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.

What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!

What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)

Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!

What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi

What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!

What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

So we had all just finished eating supper, and I had just noticed my girlfriend had a really nice shirt on. So I commented on how well she had sewed up the back, and her mom:

"It seams like a good job"

My dad just laid this one on me. Tonight for supper we had a pasta dish with mini pepperonis, cheese, sauce, etc. in it. Normally when my mom makes this she uses regular size pepperoni. I commented how much I liked the meal and she said "I don't know, I kinda like it better with the big pepperoni" to which my dad replies with "I like it better with the little pepperoni, but then again I'm not a big pepperoni fan." A universal sigh was heard around the table.

For as long I can think of, anytime I would take my family out for supper at a restaurant, when our server would bring us the check I would in my best calm and collected demeanor advise our server "Oh table #?? said they were picking this up for us tonight", to which most servers just give a ya right smile or a simple haha nice try sir.

Well on this most recent adventure I see the check coming and get all primed and plot it all out. The server politely slides the check to me, I so graciously put my hand on it and slide it back with my recited lines delivered so perfectly "Oh yes I should have told you sooner that table 16 has offered to pick up the check tonight". Well our server burst out laughing, which to us was a surprise as its not as hilarious as she is now making it. Well when she finally stops laughing enough to talk, she so wonderfully delivers the message, "thats good to know sir - cause your sitting at table 16!"

Jokes on me! But it made for a great night of laugh at dad.

Edit - "demeanor" - where the frick was auto correct on that one. thx Enders!

So I work in a gift shop and a major portioin of our merchandise is dedicated to a large display of stuffed animals of varying sizes. Mostly everyone that comes in spends some time looking at them all but I got a special treat with this family today.

The parents and their two kids come in after supper time to look around. The daughters are looking at all the stuffed animals as the dad comes over. Dad immediately grabs the largest stuffed owl we have and holds it out towards his two daughters and wife and asks "WHOOOOOO is this??"

There was a collective sigh from the shop as the father and I crack up laughing. The best part was the stuffed bird's actual name.

Owliver.

My mom, dad, and I were sitting down eating supper when my dad pipes up, "You know how birds fly in a V pattern?"

My mom and I hesitantly say yeah.

He asks another question. "You know how one side is always longer than the other? Do you know why?"

Now I had read something about birds flying in patterns and I wasn't expecting a joke so I guess something about air resistance.

A grin starts to form on his face and he says "Because that side has more birds."

The supper cut!

So my dad and I were in the kitchen preparing supper. We were cutting up some fruits and vegetables, when I see a little spark go of in his eye, like he just thought of the best thing ever. He turned to me and said: Dad: do you know what turns a fruit into a vegetable? Me: no? What? Dad: AIDS

An ex-Cretion!" it was easily the best joke tonight at supper.

Darn teenagers.

Ask them what they want to do today... Answer: "I don't know."

My standard reply, "OK, we'll do that then."

Or "What do you want for Supper?" Answer: "I don't know."

Fine, I'll make you something so weird, you'll look at it, and you won't know what it is!

Sometimes I almost feel sorry for them.... The feeling passes rapidly...

I got home from work, and my lovely wife has just finished making supper. I noticed there was a pasta like side dish. She stated that I might not like it because it was Alfredo. I said, "I was Alfredo that!" Badum tssss! The groan told me it was my best work yet!

So we were having hard shell tacos for supper. As she was loading hamburger into it, she accidentally broke the taco in half. She turns to me and goes "crap I broke my taco". Without missing a beat I turn to her and say " I guess you could say..it's a shell of its former self". The groan was most satisfying.

You teach them to stand up for themselves.

Context:

Actually said by my dad tonight while helping me cook stuffed peppers for supper. I was pondering what to do because the peppers kept typing over and my dad responded with this lol. My husband thinks it's also - future dad joker right there.

My wife was fixing to start supper. She noticed the clock on the stove was wrong from the power going out yesterday. Her:what time is it? Me: hammer time The death stare and sigh of anger let me know I had done well.

<Last night my 10yo is calling me for supper>

The boy: "Time to eat, Dad!"

Me: "No, don't eat me!"

The boy: "Punctuation saves lives."

Today over supper, we were talking about a cemetery nearby which was recently discovered to contain centuries-old tombstones buried along with the corpses underground. I found this to be strange since typically the tombstones are above ground. During the conversation, this happened:

Me: "Why did they bury them?"

Dad: "Because they were dead!"

... the tombstones dad.

Mom to Grandparents: Have you guys had a lot of problems with shingles? Dad: I sure do, I have them on the roof & Mom: Look at all those rabbits, we could have them for supper Dad: Yea, but what would they bring?

Back home yesterday preparing the supper.

Dad pumps a fake shotgun, pulls a fake trigger whilst farting. But the fart was more of a quiet "pfft" so he says, "oh, had the silencer on."

Dad: What do you want for supper?

Me: Do we still have the Greek food?

Dad: It's not Greek, Meaghan. It's Chicken Souvlakian.

Dad: Did you hear Black Diamond moved their headquarters to the Middle East?

Me: No...what?

Dad: Yeah, and they changed their name to Cheezus of Nazareth.

Me: Are you going for a run?

Dad: Yeah. You see...I'm sexy and I know it. I work out. Now all I need is those leopard print pants.