My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
/r/Jokes/comments/i7puax/…
I don’t trust the stairs... they’re always up to something.
Made this one up in collaboration with my daughter and we’re kinda proud: Which knight is the protector of foods?
I was at the supermarket and I picked up these little odd shaped onions. When I got home my wife asked should she use them for dinner tonight, I told her "Yes, but they're quite strong so...
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
We’re going to pick up my glasses from the optometrist
What are we doing next? We’ll see.
I brought home baby cow meat for the dog, which he ate, threw up, and re-consumed.
A guy walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and asks, “Have you ever gone someplace and forget what you’re there for?” The teller looks at him, her eyes getting larger and larger.
The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, “I hate when that happens.”
Eventually, we’re all doomed to end up in super modern offices where the walls are whiteboards
The writing is on the wall
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
My daughter and I were playing on the beach today when I picked up her small bucket and stared at it for a long time. Puzzled, she asked, "Daddy, what're you doing!!?" Sounding concerned, I said, "Your bucket is sick!"
Surprised, she asked, "How do you know?"
I replied, "Well, it's a little pail!"
If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.
It will speak volumes to people.
I got woken up early by the kids as they're excited about it being world book day
as usual I completely forgot so it's the usual case of rush round and come up with something last minute.
According to the school The Emperor's New Clothes is not suitable.
When I die I want the theme to my funeral to be Hawaiian, if you're not dressed up as a Hawaiian you're not welcome.
Our store was closing and the plants were all lined up inside because of the big storm. We’re walking through the racks of plants and pick some flowers up. I ask my coworker,
“So, got any good mum jokes?”
I got out of bed and my girlfriend asked "Will you turn the lights off while you're up?"
I said "No, but I can turn the lights off while Asia."
Girlfriend cringed
At The UPS Store we're called the pack and ship experts
But i prefer professional boxer
At the circus, we're high up and there's a midget clown doing his thing...
"They look so little from up here."
Shaking of heads all around with a few nods of approval.
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
"My dad got me with this one: 'Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.'”
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