My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
My kids were watching a show about identical twins re-united after being separated at birth, and in disbelief that they were wearing matching outfits when they met up.
I said, well, they do have the same genes.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
/r/Jokes/comments/i7puax/…
I was at the supermarket and I picked up these little odd shaped onions. When I got home my wife asked should she use them for dinner tonight, I told her "Yes, but they're quite strong so...
Europe = You’re up
I was listening to music with my dad recently and we were taking turns playing songs. I played the song “time has come” by the band Europe, from the hot rod soundtrack (Hilarious movie btw). I pointed to my phone and said “Europe!”. My dad yelled “I’m up? Alright!” And started looking for the next song to play. I was like “No! EUROPE” and he was like “I KNOW, IM UP” and proceeded to play the next song. Afterward he said he was just fucking with me. A true dad moment. Thought you guys might appreciate.
Wife: “Tommy said you’re giving up drinking for a month?”
Me: No, I said... “I’m giving up! Drinking for a month!”
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
I don’t trust the stairs... they’re always up to something.
Made this one up in collaboration with my daughter and we’re kinda proud: Which knight is the protector of foods?
I can’t bake a pun that’ll crack you up because they’re all scrambled in my head
We’re going to pick up my glasses from the optometrist
What are we doing next? We’ll see.
If you’re thinking about doing something illegal oil yourself up first.
That way you’re a smooth criminal.
What do you calling it when your in milk up to you're eybrows
Pasteurize (past your eyes)
Listen, I know you think you're just so great for doing show jumping on a drugged up stallion but... I
I think you should get off your high horse.
Eventually, we’re all doomed to end up in super modern offices where the walls are whiteboards
The writing is on the wall
A man and his wife were arguing while walking up the top floor of a very tall building, his wife stopped and yelled to him " you're wrong on so many levels "
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
A guy walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and asks, “Have you ever gone someplace and forget what you’re there for?” The teller looks at him, her eyes getting larger and larger.
The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, “I hate when that happens.”
I recommend you try cooking mushrooms, they're really hard to mess up
There isn't mushroom for error
My daughter and I were playing on the beach today when I picked up her small bucket and stared at it for a long time. Puzzled, she asked, "Daddy, what're you doing!!?" Sounding concerned, I said, "Your bucket is sick!"
Surprised, she asked, "How do you know?"
I replied, "Well, it's a little pail!"
If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.
It will speak volumes to people.
To live a long and healthy life you're supposed to give up cigarettes, booze, and fried foods.
Well maybe you won't actually live longer, but it sure will feel like it.
If you're looking for a new job, don't take up archaeology
Your career will be in ruins
My wife was lamenting how quickly our daughter is growing up and wished she was still small, so I turned to my daughter and yelled "You're dumb! No one likes you!"
My wife immediately screamed at me "WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO HER!?"
I replied, "You were sad how big she was getting, so I was trying to belittle her."
I randomly place these around my work place. If you’re having a bad day, look up at what I drew for you. No, they’re not my original thoughts, but it makes work a better place.
I hate it when people mix up Your and You’re.
We're up all night to get Stones...
Don't do calligraphy when you're angry, what you write will end up being very cursive. 😉
If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
I walked downstairs this morning and my mom said "You're up!"
My dad then proceeded to say "Asia!"
Of course we were confused so then he said "What? I thought we were naming continents."
Never trust stairs, they're always up to something
When you’re depressed but you can’t pass up a pun opportunity.
Real story: I'm prepped for a wedding and walking with my dad about to meet up with my girlfriend. I know his tendencies so I tell him "dad, please, no jokes." And he replies, "with what you're wearing, I won't need to." I roll my eyes and say, "oh, wow, sick burn dad."
I look over, and he's reaching into his pocket and pulls out a little vial, and shakes it out all over me. He hands me this vial and he's made a shitty label around it, and he wrote on this fricken label, "Directions: Add in salt to injury".
He's a legend among my friends dads.
I got woken up early by the kids as they're excited about it being world book day
as usual I completely forgot so it's the usual case of rush round and come up with something last minute.
According to the school The Emperor's New Clothes is not suitable.
For five years, I've been drawing visual pun puzzles and putting them up on Mondays. They're kinda hard but really fun to solve. Here are a few.
imgur.com/a/4s6Qf
2 Friends named Ryan and Dave were fixing up a car. They’re Country-Geeks by day, and Racers by night.
Ryan: Are you Finnished yet?
Dave: No, but you bet I’m Russian to fix it! Israelly confusing. Kenya help me out?
R: Sure.
Car makes weird sound
R: Guatemala with the car?
D: I’m Czeching it out, and it seems like something’s wrong with a piston or two. You got any ideas, because Iran out. What a Spain. Oh well, let’s put some elbow Greece and try to finish it by tonight.
R: I hope so. Damn, tonight is a Chile one.
D: Yep, and it’s definitely China distract me.
R: I’m kinda Hungary, I want Togo buy a sandwich or two.
Later
R: Oman, it’s already 9 Pm, there’s Norway that we can fix it by tonight.
D: That’s what we are Guinea find out.
R: I will Taiwan more way to speed things up, but it’s pretty risky.
D: Well, we somehow Ghana find out.
10:30 Pm
R: Ok, Tur the Key!
Car turns on
D: Yes! The Caribb is ean! Uganda be kidding me! I can’t Bolivia did it!
R: Hey, I can’t Belize it either!
What do you call when you're in milk up to your forehead?
I asked my dad "What're you up to?"
He said "eh, about 5'1", 5'2" "
Our store was closing and the plants were all lined up inside because of the big storm. We’re walking through the racks of plants and pick some flowers up. I ask my coworker,
“So, got any good mum jokes?”
So if you're fed up with people…
Wouldn't that make you a cannibal?
When I die I want the theme to my funeral to be Hawaiian, if you're not dressed up as a Hawaiian you're not welcome.
My son ribbed me, "You know dad, even though you're getting up there, your hearing is still really good."
I retorted, "Well son, I guess you could say that I'm just deaf defying!"
Got a text saying "You're up?"
Replied "No, North America."
After messing up my tax return forms yet again, my accountant said to me: "you're such a liability....."
"... you should be on a balance sheet"...
If you're constantly nagging a stranger asking him to beat up your donkey...
You're only looking to get your ass kicked.
I got out of bed and my girlfriend asked "Will you turn the lights off while you're up?"
I said "No, but I can turn the lights off while Asia."
Girlfriend cringed
Don't you just hate those annoying pop-up ads when you're shopping online for BBQ's?
"Hot meat grills in your area"
This may be a crazy idea, but I think we'll make out like bandits. Gear up boys. We're robbing that train!
Bicycles have a hard time staying up because they're just two tired
At The UPS Store we're called the pack and ship experts
But i prefer professional boxer
We're putting new shelving up at work.
In our cooler and the cooling unit has a pipe running through the current shelves. So my boss and I are kinda weighing the pros and cons of taking this shelf out. We determined that it wasn't going to be easy but ultimately worth it. She says, "we're going to need a jigsaw to get this thing out of here." And I reply with "hmm, I don't really know how a puzzle is going to help in this situation."
I just let my wife know that we're going to really have to tighten up on our spending...
Everyone else should do the same. The world economy is going to crash. If 50 cents isn't worth anything, we're all screwed.
At the circus, we're high up and there's a midget clown doing his thing...
"They look so little from up here."
Shaking of heads all around with a few nods of approval.
Our lead developer just told me he's getting 500 internal server errors from a new site we're setting up
I told him that's an awful lot of errors for a brand new site
Come on, step right up, and Guess Who Tim Horton Hears! Tim Horton's Hears A Who? Oh, I'm sorry, but you're wrong.
Tim Horton's should play music by The Who and The Guess Who. Whenever someone is asked "Guess Who is playing this music" or "Who is playing this music", especially to younger people that don't listen to classic rock, they might not know. You can tell them, in a real coy (not Real McCoy) manner, that it is what Horton hears in the Dr. Seuss books. If they guess correctly, they could win a prize. If not, tell them either to really "Guess Who is playing this music" or "Who is playing this music", and see if they catch on.
*The idea for this is from listening to all the times my dad would make us Guess Who was playing the song in the car or he would say Who is playing this song right now and we would guess incorrectly until we caught on. It's a long running dad joke, so you better catch it before it takes off.
Hey dad, what're you up to
Without fail, every time we're finished eating at a restaurant my Dad stands up from his seat and says...
"Let's make like fags and blow this joint"
Totally regardless of how classy the "joint" is. Thanks Dad.
I can’t bake a good pun that will crack you up, they’re all just scrambled in my head
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
"My dad got me with this one: 'Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.'”
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