They rescheduled the quarterly pogo stick competition.

They had to wait for the he spring.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
A soldier in WW2 was shot in the chest and the bullet was stopped by a stack of quarters in his pocket.

He said it was his life savings.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
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Doctor: β€œHow is the boy who swallowed the quarter?”

Nurse: β€œNo change yet”

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I won $6million in the lottery and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity....

I now have $5.999,999,75c left.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
The Lord of the Rings official pinball machine doesn’t take quarters.

Only Tolkiens

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I won a $1million in the lottery last night and have decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

I now have 999.999.75 left.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I heard Frozen University is banning anyone who got the COVID vaccine from returning for the spring quarter

I guess if you get vaccinated you won’t be headed to the ICU.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itmightbedave
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the dollar say say to the 4 quarters

You've changed man

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend minted quarters instead of going to class for the whole semester...

He coined the term.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw 2000 pounds of quarters the other day

That’s a ton of money!

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NekoLover72
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
If the Super Bowl went into overtime, does that mean the first 4 quarters were just a really long commercial since the game was Tide?

I really hope Tide had another commercial ready just in case.

Edit: Thank you for the Reddit Gold, kind stranger! My first!

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brady_bear3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
🚨︎ report
How come it used to cost a quarter to pump your tires at the gas station, and now it costs a dollar?

Inflation

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nftpc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I won a million dollars playing the lottery and donated a quarter of it to my favorite charity.

What should I do with the remaining $999,999.75?

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skol_vkings
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into the same bar every day at quarter past five...

You would think he'd learn to duck under it by now...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/p90medic
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I once threw a quarter into the San Andreas...

I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleanandclever
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky

β€œWow!” I say. β€œIt’s climate change!”

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/usernametakenexe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Milwaukee Bucks. The only bucks you can't get 4 quarters out of.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshP99
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who got three quarters of his back removed?

Apparently, he's a quarterback now.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FearlessTheFallen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
What cereal do you eat late in the fourth quarter?

Cinnamon Toast Crunch-Time

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lifelonglifter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the quarter say to the penny?

You don't make much cents.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inkorket
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
🚨︎ report
I gave up Quarter Pounders and now I’m half the man I used to be.

I’m a fraction hero.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Little mary jane was walking down the street with her mother. Her mother saw a quarter in the road and went out to pick it up and got hit by a bus.

Little mary jane just LAUGHED and LAUGHED.... she knew it was only a nickle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/questionall101
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
🚨︎ report
This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Criminal justice has progressed

When a thief is caught today, it’s not like the olden days. Now, you get a mugshot and housed in a jail cell. Then, they were just drawn and quartered.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
George Washington is the only president to have been drawn and quartered.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Trekspert
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2017
🚨︎ report
I bought something for $4.50 and gave the store clerk a five. Instead of giving me back two quarters he ripped a dollar in half and handed it to me.

There was no cents to that.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sum_buddy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2017
🚨︎ report
What did one three-quarter-full glass of vodka say to the other, full glass of water?

I'm a bit drunk.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryAwkwardCake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
🚨︎ report
The quarter pounder was alright, but it can't compete with my quarter pounder with cheese
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/goboatmen
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2013
🚨︎ report
I found 2 quarters on the ground today

It was probably a coincidence.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sean081799
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Quarters in the gas tank

So money's a little tight right now and I had a 10$ roll of quarters I was going to use to put gas in my gas tank.

When I picked up my girlfriend from her school she asked, "Did you put those quarters in the gas tank"?

"Yeah," I replied, "I put them in the tank, though I probably should have just bought gas with them..."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FullRegalia
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Every time dad sees a digital 24 hour clock at quarter past 8 in the evening he says...

"It's that time of the year again!"

Roll on 2060...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chibolamoo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ..

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I made this up today hope its alright here

Went to the bird store today Went to the cage section and one caught my eye. It was way over priced and all It had was a penny, dime, quarter half dollar in it. I asked why it was so much?

The manager said because it was a nickel-less cage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Disturbed56
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
SON: β€œHey, Dad! This newspaper says the moon is going broke.”

DAD: β€œWhy is it going broke?” SON: β€œThe paper says it’s going into its last quarter.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HagOrMan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A magician walks up to a fisherman's booth.

The magician pulls a quarter from the fisherman's ear. The fisherman looks at the magician annoyed. The magician says can you do any better? The fisherman says sure and then pauses. The magician says annoyed "How are you going to start the trick. The fisherman just says... Pick a cod, any cod!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jolly2284
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Aquarium humor needed

I work at an Aquarium. Our sister site is a Zoo, and when we have quarterly meetings for all staff members, they call the meeting State of the Zoonion.

I am really trying to come up with a comparable name for our Aquarium all-staff meeting that features some good Aquarium/fish humor. Help!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smokyburgundy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A man goes the doctor complaining of a very sore leg.

He gets in early at 11.55am, and tells the doctor his leg is sore.

He then explains that he’s also experiencing some other weird things with the leg.

The man explains to the doctor that every hour on the hour, his thigh asks for money.

The Doctor is a bit perplexed, but waits until 12.00 and uses his stethoscope to listen to the thigh.

Sure enough, at 12.00 the Doctor hears the thigh say β€œHave you got 10 bucks. Can I borrow 10 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor doesn’t understand what’s going on. Then the man says, at every quarter hour, my knee also asks for money. At 12.15, the Doctor listens to the mans knee through his stethoscope where he hears the knee say β€œHave you got 20 bucks. Can I borrow 20 bucks, I really need the money”.

The Doctor is even more befuddled.

Then the man says, at every half hour, my ankle asks for money. At 12.30, the Doctor listens to the mans ankle through his stethoscope where he hears the ankle say β€˜Have you got 50 bucks. Can I borrow 50 bucks, I really need the money”.

The doctor tells the man he doesn’t know what’s going on. It’s something he’s never encountered before.

The Doctor asks the man to come back in a week where the Doctor will do some research in the interim.

A week later the man comes back and asks the Doctor if he has any news.

The Doctor says yes – he’d done some research into the problem and found that the mans leg was broke in 3 places

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewMacSydney
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Bartender

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"

The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."

"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
[request] I'm looking for puns/jokes involving payphones.

If you know any payphone jokes/oneliners/puns or play on words involving payphones please leave it in the coments. I didn't have a quarter to call anyone who cared so I ringed up redit.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyNameICallMyself
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I went hunting for the first time ever last week.

The only thing I managed to shoot was a feral cat. Great shot though, tore the thing in half and the front half was nowhere to be seen. Filled with pride, I picked up the feline's hind quarters and thought I'd have a go at taxidermy to make a plaque for above the mantle. What a catastrophe.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bort-bort-bort
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A mathematician goes into a bar.

He orders a pint. Then half a pint. The a quarter pint. Then an eighth, and so on. Eventually the barman hands him 2 pints and says ,”You mathematicians. You just don’t know your limits.”

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_normski
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife walked into our bedroom while I was napping and yelled "It's time to leave, get up!"

I said "Sssshh! These are my sleeping quarters" and pointed to some change I had on the bedside table. She was stunned, then she groaned and walked out.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WrexKwonDo
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2015
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend is gonna be a great dad one day.

I saw him picking up a quarter off the floor.

I said to him, "Is that where you keep all your quarters? That makes a lot of sense."

He says, "Yeah, 25 cents." then laughed for 5 minutes to himself, then kept laughing about it sporadically throughout the day.

Edit: I just wanna say thanks to my s/o /u/rainbowdongs for being so hilarious. <3 Happy anniversary! Love you!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cruelhag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Two men are working on a shipping boat headed to Ireland...

They are both quality control managers and are instructed to check on the product before leaving.

They go below deck and open on of the boxes, and inside are hundreds of potatoes. One of them picks one up and notices that it’s a very odd shape for a potato. He picks up another and is also perplexed by its peculiarity.

He picks up a third and realizes that they are all shaped like penises. He says to his friend β€œI don’t think we can work on this ship with all these penis potatoes.”

So they go up to the captains quarters to quit. When they arrive they say β€œCaptain, we cant work on this ship. We would like to get off.”

He looks them in the eye and says, β€œI’m sorry gentlemen. This isn’t a democracy. It’s a dictatorship.”

β€”

Originally read on r/jokes , but reworded for brevity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RefrigeratorRock
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad-joked my way to a Pub Quiz victory

Sorry to toot my own horn, but I really liked this.

The pub quiz guy was reading out the answers.

Him: "The answer to question 29 is Niki Lauda"

Me: "Niki what?"

Him: "Lauda"

Me: "NIKI WHAT?"

He gave us half a point for that joke. We won by a quarter of a point. Boom!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elquiche
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
🚨︎ report
Almost got fired for this one

I work at a pretty busy spot in New Orleans, the French quarter to be exact. People coming in and leaving an item they brought with them happens a lot after a few beers. This one guy leaves a chair and in half an hour he comes back for it.
Chair Guy "Excuse me sir, did I leave a chair here?"
Me "What do you think this is pal?? Some kind of CHAIR-ITY??"

If his eyes could roll anymore then they already were, they would have rolled out of his head.
Chair guy "get me your manager right now"
Me "Now that's not very CHAIR-ITABLE of you either"
Edit: Thank you for the gold kind stranger, you are very CHAIR-ITABLE, for popping my gold CHAIR-Y

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SendMeASmile
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2015
🚨︎ report

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