The Performers Puns

Go for the juggler.

Because they stole the show.

The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"

It was pretty Jarreing.

They're called the Yuengling Brothers.

The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.

I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.

I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.

Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.

Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.

Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.

I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.

The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.

The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.

The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.

Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.

Two of them introduce themselves as Gold and Frankinsence. The bartender asks, "Why are you called the Weissman Trio if there are only 2 of you?" The brothers look at each other and say to the bartender in unison, "But wait! There's Myrrh!"

I leaned over to my wife and whispered "of corset didn't work"

she rolled her eyes so hard her retinas detached and she missed the rest of the performance.

Nailed it.

"Catch you on the flip side."

He was the Best!

Santa Claus really likes him because he’s RAPPING the PRESENT.

(That joke was 2 punny)

.....really got the ball rolling.

That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.

He said "I'm blue, dab a D, dab a dye".

I wore a blindfold.

It’s been repossessed

And then he vanished, without a tres.

Placebo Domingo

I would have preferred a handshake, though.

Crap on your neighbors doorstep then ring the doorbell - that's an art installation.

Ring the doorbell THEN crap on his doorstep - that's performance art.

...he just couldn't part with it.

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, “what gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

“You keep out of this! She yells, “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"

The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"

It makes no cents.

If they sank, girl ant. If they floated, buoyant.

I said I’m sure they’re fine, it’s just a stage they’re going through.

He is too tense.

It was a captive audience

It was finally the long-awaited end of police violins.

I guess they must have realized I'm not a fungi.

My surgeon wanted to tell me, but he didn't have the heart.

You're the wurst

It was a play on words.

"Uno, dos..."

And then POOF! He disappeared.

Without a tres.

He was performing his act and got the the final trick. On the count of three he would vanish. The audience yelled “one”, and the magician smiled, “two”, and he disappeared without a tres.

(This probably makes more sense if you're British.)

Doing his rounds one day and when he got to the bird enclosure he noticed a load of the birds had died. Unsure as to what he should do with the bodies he tossed them into the big cat exhibit.

The next day he was cleaning out the primates and noticed the lifeless figure of an ape laying on the floor... not wanting to perform a proper burial and besides- he wasn't earning much more than minimum wage anyway so he tossed it into the big cat enclosure.

On his third day the zookeeper came across his colleague who kept bees, it seems they'd got sick and a lot of the hive had perished. Not to worry, the zookeeper scooped them onto a shovel and tossed them into the big cat exhibit. It's the circle of life he thought to himself.

The next day there was a lot of excitement in the zoo. A new lioness had arrived. The lioness stalked out of the trailer...sniffed at the unfamiliar lion next to her...

"So, what's the food like in this place then?" She asked awkwardly.

"It's actually not that bad" replied the lion. "Over the past few days we've had Finch, chimps and mushy bees"

Badum tssss! ¯_(ツ)_/¯

Yeah, for any non brits that read all that: Fish, chips and mushy peas is a classic English dish. So...yeah...that's the joke.

After all, all he had to do was to follow the damn train!

He went downhill real fast.

Thought I would have more fun, but it was really just a play on words.

. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner”

I'm not surprised, they're washed up

That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.