My clothes were having a competition to decide which one is the coolest
How do you make the number one disappear?
You add "g" and it's GONE
my grandfather said this today on the dinner table and i was the only one that found it hilarious for no reason at all
G : what type of apples grow on trees ?
my dumbass : idk red and green ?
G : all of them do
wheezes
There's so many bad puns on this sub' it's making me just feel numb, and don't talk about the math ones..
..they make me feel even number.
I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband “I’ve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?”
The husband says “Change the battery in your hearing aid.”
One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman...
Two potatoes are standing on the street corner. How do you know which one’s a prostitute?
The one with the stickers that says IDAHO 😂
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
If you get lost in the Canadian wilderness, don’t panic unless you see at least one grizzly.
Just had an officer at the door saying he was looking for a man with one eye...
Told him to use both and he’d probably find him a lot quicker.
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger.
Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller.
Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling “I stepped on a Bee!”
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
If I have $120 in one pocket, and $180 in the other pocket what do I have?
Which one of King Arthur’s knights named the Round Table?
My Dad told the family this one yesterday at dinner, "Do you know what the opposite of ladyfinger is? "
We all nodded out heads in No
Dad : "Mentos"
Many ways up the mountain. Question is, which one?
Two men are going down the street, one runs into a bar..
did you hear the one about the sheep in car wreck?
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other.....
How do you drive this thing ?
Took my daughter to the zoo and they only had one dog
The design subreddits didn't care too much for puns, hope you get a chuckle out of this poster I created. The Talon-ted Ones. Coming to a venue near you.
What did one butt cheek say to the other butt cheek?
Together we can stop this crap!
(My Grandma called me just to tell me this one): Why did the farmer bury a lightbulb?
He wanted to grow a power plant
If you are on the first floor of a building, and someone one the second floor is being arrested, are you...
Did you hear about the little boy born without an eye lid? They had to use his foreskin to make one.
The surgery went well, he is just a little cockeyed now.
The comments is full of puns like this one
Did you hear the one about the man who hated being bald?
He got rabbits tattooed on his head so from a distance they looked like hares.
Four for the price of one
Spelling isn't one of the "Three R's"
That's how writing and arithmetic ended up on the list.
Thought up this one all on my own and I'm proud of it: Did you hear the joke about the leg?
In my opinion, it wasn't very fu-knee.
I was just reading an article that said that skydiving is actually one of the safest extreme sports.
Apparently, if your parachute fails, you have your whole life to fix it.
Despite the popular saying, i decided to put all my eggs in one basket..
.. I just felt silly walking around in the supermarket.
I went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog in it
Never thought cannibalism is so yummy(Another one of the ones that I want to cross post but r/puns bans cross posts)
What did one fish say to the other?
Keep your mouth shut and you'll never get caught.
I was walking home from work, talking to my husband on the phone. He asked me where I was. I said I passed a garden full of gnomes. He said he knew the one I was talking about.
I said "So it's a well gnome garden".
I laughed harder than he did.
My Boss asked me who the stupid one is, Me or Him?
I said, "Everybody knows, you don't hire stupid people. "
What did one potato say to the other who wanted to prove everyone wrong?
“You sure have a chip on your shoulder”.
As one of the biggest fruit farmers in the country, I owe all of my success to my dear dad. I grew up as a kid who was scared of everything, and my dad always told me to
No one could figure out who set the Cathedral of Notre Dame on fire..
... But Quasimodo had a hunch.
Giving Sub Zero the Mr Freeze quotes makes him not just the coolest of freezy puns, but the frozen one as well.
Well, this one hit the bar
UFO's have been in the news a lot lately but no one seems to care.
Frankly, I think it must be over most people's heads.
I have a theory that yeast will one day rule the world
What happened when one silencer gave the other bad news?
Two potatoes are standing by the side of the road, how can you tell which one it the prostitute?
How do you make the number 'one' disappear?
You add a G and it's gone
I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
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