The nurse was eating a corn
The physician was eating a comd
Nurse: Sorry for the waiting
My dad: No problem, I'm patient
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
Why did the nurse get second chair in the symphony?
Because they were a Band-Aid
Nurse: A patient named Stephen has come into the hospital with acidosis (meaning their blood has become too acidic)
Doctor: Stephen with a "ph"?
Nurse: Yes, a low one.
Nurses in the maternity ward don’t want babies to be in shock by the temperature change when they’re born.
So they make sure it’s set at womb temperature.
After waiting for an hour at the doctor's office the nurse came by and said sorry for the wait...
To which I replied, "No problem, I'm patient."
The nurse just told me that they can no longer perform the transplant.
My surgeon wanted to tell me, but he didn't have the heart.
The nurse kept insisting my blood was Type-A
I said "NO! IT MUST BE A TYPE-O"
I took my 1 year old to the ER with the flu. As the nurse was taking her temperature rectally with the thermometer in the butt, he sympathized with her misery by saying “I know, it stinks.”
To which I responded “It certainly will when you take it out.” I accepted the long awkward silence that followed as thunderous applause.
During my first ultrasound, the nurse pulled out the device that goes inside, and put a condom on it.
My kid's dad says, "Oh, so that's how you keep from coming here."
Actual, horribly painful dad joke.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
“Some asshole has my pen.”
The USA have Lemsip, while the Russians have night nurse
A soldier walked into a hospital and a nurse asked him why he was in the hospital.
He replied, "I thought the front lines were here."
Nurse: I'm going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
Recently broke my thumb, I asked the nurse if I’d be able to play the piano?
She said I would
I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.
Nurse: Okay doc, here's the list of heart and kidney donors in alphabetical order
Doc: Wow, it's very organized ;)
My wife is a nurse and was telling me about the guidelines they're following...
My only comment was WHO do they think they are telling you what to do?
After my wife had given birth to our baby, the nurse asked me, "Do you have a name yet?"
I said, "Yes. Steve."
She said, "Awww! That's a lovely name!"
"Thanks." I said. "But what do you think we should call the baby?"
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
A chubby Mandalorian steps on the scale at the doctor's office. The nurse reads it and says, "215 lbs." Mando sternly replies "180 pounds..."
Before my operation last week, the nurse wanted to know if I could give them a contact number in case of an emergency...
My father had a stroke last night. While he was in his bed in the ER with slurred speech and half his face paralyzed, the nurse comes in and asks, "So, what brings you here tonight?"
"The ambulance", he says.
What did the ER Nurse say to the belligerent, know-it-all surgeon, who came in with a large laceration?
"Well fine, then. Suture self."
I was in A&E with a bad cut. I asked the nurse if I could do my own stitches. She said “suture self”.
Nurse comes in and tells the doctor "There's a man in the waiting room who thinks he's invisible. What should I tell him?" The doctor says...
"Tell him I can't see him!"
Why did the nurse give Viagra to all the old men in the nursing home?
.
.
.
To keep them from rolling over and falling off the bed. Kick stand.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected...
As the nurse is making the rounds at the old folks home...
She stops by Carl's room and sees him putting black shoe polish all over his penis. Dismayed, she exclaims "no, no, no Carl, you misunderstood. I said remember to turn your clock back."
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
The nurse called me and said, “Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something specific to you...”
You wrote down “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928.”
My dad has been in the hospital. The nurse came in and asked “When’s your birthday?” “January 19th” “of what year?”
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
Why are you so abscess-ed with him?
This morning while waiting for a nurse to take the cast off my leg.
Nurse walks past my bed, trying to find someone else. She looks at me and asks, "Kane?"
I replied, no thanks.. I already have my crutches.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Who took the nurse's rectal thermometer?
Nurse : Sorry for the wait
Don't worry, i'm patient.
*Wife pregnant* Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby"
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A nurse told me, "Sorry for the wait!"
I replied, "it's alright, I'm patient."
During labor, the nurse asked my wife, “How about Epidural Anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
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