I was standing at the bus stop the other day and some guy asks "could you tell me how long the next bus is?"
I replied "The same length as the last one mate".
a guy goes to the store, buys some milk, goes home and drinks it and gets really sick to his stomach. The next day he goes back all angry to the store with his empty milk carton. He tells the clerk, hey I bought milk from you it made me really sick. It says Lactose Free but there is clearly lactose!
The clerk responds, "yeah buddy, the lactose is free, you just pay for the milk!"
I recently went to a college hockey game where fighting was banned, and the next day attended a pro game where fighting was allowed
The difference was striking.
I was at a restaurant the other day and David Tennant was at the table next to me. Lord behold the waitress accidentally brought me his order. So of course I ate it. When she asked if I enjoyed it
I said, it was just what the Doctor ordered.
I bought a small table for my bedroom but it broke the next day
Guess it was just a one night stand
I was on a train the other day when two Swedish men sat down next to me
The two introduced themselves as Sven and Olf. Olf in particular was wearing a t-shirt with the USSR flag on and boasted a cap with a hammer and sickle on, so I assumed he was an avid communist. I asked them if either of them knew where I could get alcohol on the train, and Olf piped up:
"If you go to carriage 4, you can get a guinness, you idiot. You can also find a stella in carriage 6, dumbass. There's also someone microbrewing in the front of the train, but he looks stupid."
I was a bit taken aback at how mean Olf was, but I thanked him for the information. Soon after, when he got up to go to the bathroom, I asked Sven what the deal was with his friend.
"Don't worry" he said.
"Rude Olf the red knows train beer."
On my way home from work on October 20th, I saw a house in what the night before was a vacant lot. The next night, it wasn't there. Then, on November 19th it was back. But it was gone the next day.
I suspect it will be there December 18th as well. I think it's a werehouse.
My wife, tired, looked over at me next to the cot where our 5 day old daughter lay.
"Has she gone?" she asked me, questioning whether she's fallen asleep.
I peered over inside the cot and answered,
"Nope, she's still there."
(True story from last night)
To liven things up for the staff, I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to come into work dressed as a different kind of bread product every day.
Every day I set my clock to wake me up the next morning.
I'm going to be working on my next dadjoke over the next few days. In the meantime, I'll keep u posted.
I got tickets for the next Super Bowl plus hotel and airfare, but it turns out my wedding is on the same day!
If you'd like to go instead, it's at St. Peter's Church on Main Street at 6:00 pm. Her name is Melanie and she'll be wearing all white.
I asked my friend to come to the gym with me. He said he was busy for the next 7 days....
Bit of a week excuse if you ask me.
A baggage handler couldn’t understand how he caught COVID 19 but was discharged from hospital the next day.
The Doctor told him it was a brief-case.
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.
I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
I’d like the opportunity for all of us to see the next day. #stayathome
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
A guy starts working at a submarine. In the first day he works as a cleaner, then helps at the kitchen. Next day he runs the ship. In the evening he’s absolutely exhausted so he asks his friend “Why I have to change my position every time?”
He replies “I know, this sub is full of reposts”
I love it when my kids don't get the joke until the next day...
Hear today, groan tomorrow.
So I was on a flight the other day when they guy next to me asked me if I heard of “bird strikes.”
I honestly didn’t think they could hold signs.
My next door neighbour told me that every morning when he measures his allotment, it is a couple of inches smaller than the day before.
I think he is slowly losing the plot...
A man asks another man to lend him $10 until next pay day. The second man says “sure, here you go. when’s next pay day?”
“I don’t know, you’re the one with a job”
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?"
He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area."
(True story)
A rope walks into a bar & asks for a beer. The bartender says, “No, you’re only a rope.” So he decides to disguise himself. He ties himself into a knot & ruffles his edges a bit. The next day, he walks into the bar & asks for a beer. The bartender says, “Of course... Wait, aren’t you that rope?”
And the rope replies, “I’m a frayed knot.”
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I visited my friend and his pet rabbit ran away the very next day.
Hare today, gone tomorrow.
A Marine Biology student was compiling a list of all the sea creatures they could find on Wikipedia. The next day they handed it in to their Professor, who took one look at it and said..
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck no, so the duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him, "No, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes."
The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment and then asks, "Got any nails?"
Confused, the bartender says no.
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
A guy I know injured his thumb and his fingers started aching in sympathy the next day.
They were brothers in arm.
I asked a hot contortionist if she'd be free to go out on a date in the next few days
She said she'd love to and she's very flexible
My coworker Sam likes to go karaoke, but never tells anyone. Fortunately the wristwatch he wears the next day is a big giveaway
A mathematician sold me an end table, which I put in my living room. When I came in the next day, there were over a dozen of them!
Turns out it was a multiplication table.
My wife drove our German car off the pier and into the sea. The next day I went diving and found it.
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