Even though I insisted there was no need for repatriation, my neighbour has just brought round a root vegetable in exchange for the reading material I gave them.
So thats a turnip for the books.
A math major’s girlfriend is equal to the square root of -100
A perfect 10 but also imaginary
Help! Need a pun for the title of my story!
It’s about two strangers who end up accidentally swapping phone at the airport….so pun could be either about airport (flying/flight) or phones.
So, the other day I was having some root beer, then I put in a square cup
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81.
A man walks into his dentist’s office for a root canal. To his surprise, she finishes the procedure in just 10 minutes.
He asks: “How did you do that so quickly?”
The dentist replies: “Oh, it’s just a root-tine procedure.”
What Did One Root Vegetable Say To The Other
An old man goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the old man is hard of hearing. After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "I need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."
The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor and asks his wife, "What did the Doctor say?"
The wife replies, "He wants you to leave your underpants here, dear."
Batman - robin, get ready, we need to prepare for the battle !
Somebody was telling a group how he had two root canals done in the last week ...
And I blurted out "if you two root canals isn't that just a canal?"
Proudest I've ever been of a joke that fell flat
When you come across the square root of some negative crap and then you decide to square it…..
I needed a new charger for my phone, so I went to the store. Finding an employee, I asked him for help and he told me he could sell me a DC adapter for ten dollars. I looked him square in the eye and said "Nice try, buddy..."
"But I live in Kentucky, not Washington, DC!"
My wife and I always fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper roll, so our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
Here’s a positive post for the new year
Word on the street is, Cookie Monster has tested positive for COVID
It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.
I said to my wife, "I need to call the doctor today." Concerned, she asked, "Which doctor?"
I chuckled, "No, the regular kind!"
When they did a root canal on me, they hypnotized me first so I wouldn’t remember the pain.
It was a trance-and-dental experience!
Instead of using surgical equipment to perform my circumcision, the doctor decided to go with a root vegetable.
Need help coming up with a pun for the name of a space themed laser tag place.
I went to get some new bees for my hive, I told the guy I only needed 12 but the guy gave me 13. So I asked him why.
The word studying comes from the root words
What does the “A&W” in A&W Restaurant stand for?
Bride: “do you need any help choosing a suit for the wedding?”
Groom: “don’t worry, I have my best man on it”
Santa needs to be arrested for reckless endangerment
Clearly he should be using snow deers while dashing through the snow, not rain deers.
I'm really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tuesday is open Mike night!
My doctor told me he needed to book me in for a prostate exam
A man calls the RV place where he bought his travel trailer to ask what he needs to do to winterize it. The guy says, “bring it on over and I’ll summarize it for you.”
“No, I need it WINTER-IZE!…never mind! I’ll figure it out myself!”
I don't know how I'm going to tell mom that I need to replace the recliner she bought me
It's put me in a really uncomfortable position
A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”
“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”
“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the bartender asks.
“Im a taxidermist!” The man replies.
“What the hell is that!?” The bartender asks.
The guy says nervously “ I umm, mount dead animals”
The bartender smiles and shouts out to the whole bar “ it’s ok fellas, he’s one of us!”
I got arrested by the Department of Animal Welfare for trying to acquire several crows to raise as pets.
They charged me with attempted murder.
What is the square root of 69?
My wife: I need to go to the store for a few key things.
Me: Lanyards or fobs?
Then she rolled her eyes "so hard it hurt."
So I hired this dude to count people in the Bible for me. How many Noah's are there. How many Moseses. That sort of thing. Well, today, he stopped about halfway through. I'm sad to say that I had to let him go.
I mean, he only had one Job.
One of the best gifts I got for Christmas this year is a whiteboard for my office.
Argon walks into a bar. The bartender says, "get lost; we don't need your element in this establishment."
Need help thinking of a pun for a religious pigeon character :(
My friend has this dungeons and dragons character called Pijjin who is a religious pigeon (religion unspecified), and is composing a theme song for him. Trouble is, we need a name for this song, and we were hoping for it to be a pun linking any bird to any religious word or phrase.
Kinda bad example: 'Crow' + 'Communion' = 'Crowmunion"
Any religion-related word/phrase/concept is great, they can be from any real religion as long as it's kind of clear what it is :)
Thank you!!
Edit: Thanks so much guys, I'll definitely go with one of these, you've all been a big help :)
I got the wife a prosthetic leg for christmas
It wasn’t her main present, just a stocking filler
I couldn't remember the square root of 16, then I remembered the math teacher...
My wife said i needed to stop my addiction to eating christmas leftovers right out of the fridge...
But i just can't quit cold turkey
If you can’t accept my constant need to point out the exit in every room I’m in…
Why does Spider-Man need to sling webs to move through the city?
.
Because he’s Peter Parker, not Peter Parkour.
TIL the swordfish has no natural predators to be afraid of, except for...
...the penfish, which is thought to be mightier.
My dog went out looking for root beer. . .
I caught her Barq-ing up the wrong tree.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but imaginary.
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81
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