I told my son if he farted in the car he would have to give me 10$ of his 100$ monthly allowance.
I always get my 10 Per-Scent
I wonder how much the monthly bill is for toilet paper at the hospital
I paid a car dealership a monthly fee to drive a car for 2 years then after that I would return the car to the dealer...
It was the leased of my worries.
Have you heard about the new subscription service, that Gary Lineker has launched? 28 portions of green tea delivered monthly.
It’s called Matcha the Day
Which monthly climate hits the most?
I kept receiving broken yo-yo's from the new monthly yo-yo subscription
Well, they said there weren't any strings attached
the very peak of my existence about 6 months ago today
I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...
Someone removed the 5th month from all my calenders
I ran into my old barber today after going to a different guy for the last few months. He asked me why I’m not coming in to the shop anymore and I said,
“You just haven’t been cutting it lately.”
For the first time in 6 months, it was warm enough to go outside in just a t-shirt today.
I probably should have worn pants, too.
Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
Got a job at a potato chip factory. On top of salary they said I could pick any flavor chip off the shelf once a month.
They prided themselves in their stock options.
In the first few months of my wife's pregnancy she wasn't showing
If there were months on an alternative “Planet-B”, would they be named the same?
Why were the ants enthusiastic about next month?
They had to MARCH into April.
What is the best month to drink a lot of beer?
September, October, November, and December should have been the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th month.
Whoever screwed this up—- I hope he got stabbed.
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....
I hate working for what I want. Capitalism has ruined everything. Every time I dip my pen in the company ink, nine months later my wife hires a new employee.
What's the one month all soldiers hate?
What's the Lion King's favorite month?
And just like that, 2020 won. Better start trainimg for the rematch in 12 months...it will be 2020 two.
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
Hippie gets 3 months late on rent...So the landlord knocks on his door to let him know he’s being evicted
He opens the door and tells him “Namaste”.
My wifi password is the cat's birthday month
The creature of the month: Octobe(a)r!
Next month, I’m going to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in San Francisco in person.
My wife said, “What are you going to do when you finally see it?”
Me: I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.
The prosecutor offered the ballet dancer two choices after she did not pay her mountain of parking tickets. A) Say guilty, pay them off, and get probation for 6 months or B) Say Not Guilty and go to trial and perhaps serve 6 months in jail.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.
Some insist on a shirt.
Others insist on a pair of socks.
The argument always ends in a tie.
What Month Is the Opposite of November?
Proud Dad Moment
Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said “I guess they’re going to arrest him for assaulting an officer.” 😁
Never been prouder of my daughter. 😎
I told my dad that I was planning to move to the Arctic circle for a few months.
He said, “I don’t like your latitude.”
What's the best month to have a parade?
Pun needed
Hey guys! I am getitng a puppy in a few months and her name is supposed to be Zoe. However since she is pure golden retriever because of some laws her full name has to to be “Give me your ‘name’” and I want it to be some kind of pun containing the word “Zoe” since that what she’s gonna be called like Zoedorable but something that matches the sentence and I though that maybe you guys can help.
Made to the beach finally, after months away, and joyously shouted..
..Hey ! Long time no Sea.
I haven’t been able find my pet turtle for the past few months
Turns out he’s just been sheltering in place.
During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...
...that's where I finally had to draw the line.
What’d the baby in the womb say after 9 months?
Did you hear what they are going to call the generation of kids born 9 months from now?
In a village, far far away, two farmers often had a competition within themselves to see who harvests the most every 6 months.
After failing to win for about 9 times in a row, Jaime, hired a spy who will go and check Jack's harvest the night before the contest so he can harvest more. As the spy came back the night before, he informed the farmer Jaime about the amount that he saw inside Jack's yard but he was not able to tell the amount in exact. Jaime took the spy to his paddy field, gave him some extra money than what they initially agreed upon and said...
"You reap what you saw".
There was a civil war at the North Pole once, but the elves don't talk about it much...
It was a cold war. Also a short war, with little casualties.
It lasted six months. The truce came after the elves realized they'd wasted the whole day fighting.
The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.
Which is the most indecisive month?
The czech government month and a half ago...
In the 5th month of every year...
My aunt let's her pigs in the field.
Its Mayham!
Every month, I get a phase in which I make a lot of jokes about the +7 OS of iodine.
I make periodic periodic jokes.
The #1 item pickpocketed during last months protests were mirrors
This doesn't reflect well on the protestors
I always wondered about the fight between Dio and Jotaro. Even though Dio had trained for months before facing him, Jotaro still destroyed him in the end
Ig he really didn't stand a chance
When the flood receded... (A Math joke)
Noah let out all the animals. Two by two, they disembarked from the ark.
As Noah breathed a sigh of relief, the two snakes that were on the ark came up.
“Noah, Noah!” they cried. “Can you get us some logs?”
Noah, groaning, complied with the request.
Months pass. Noah is making some food in his home when the two snakes he gave logs return with their kids. A lot of them.
They ask, “Can you get us more logs?”
Noah, clearly pissed, says, “Fine. But why the hell do you need logs to reproduce?”
The dad snake replies, “Oh, we’re adders, we need logs to multiply.”
My gas bill is through the roof this month!
I hope next time he goes back to using the letterbox
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