I'm an atheist 11 months out of the year, but in December...

I'm eggnogstic

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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What is the best month to drink a lot of beer?

Febrewery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tecniklee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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September, October, November, and December should have been the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th month.

Whoever screwed this upβ€”- I hope he got stabbed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....

Quaranteens.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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What's the one month all soldiers hate?

March!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KermitDFwog
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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And just like that, 2020 won. Better start trainimg for the rematch in 12 months...it will be 2020 two.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squarepeg101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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What's the Lion King's favorite month?

DeSIMBA!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/emilliolongwood
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NRGFalcon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
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Hippie gets 3 months late on rent...So the landlord knocks on his door to let him know he’s being evicted

He opens the door and tells him β€œNamaste”.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/boobaloo222
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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My wifi password is the cat's birthday month

Feb-paw-hairy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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The creature of the month: Octobe(a)r!
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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The prosecutor offered the ballet dancer two choices after she did not pay her mountain of parking tickets. A) Say guilty, pay them off, and get probation for 6 months or B) Say Not Guilty and go to trial and perhaps serve 6 months in jail.

She took plea A.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.

Some insist on a shirt.

Others insist on a pair of socks.

The argument always ends in a tie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/6Bazrael66
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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What Month Is the Opposite of November?

Yesvember.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CalmingVisionary
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Next month, I’m going to fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in San Francisco in person.

My wife said, β€œWhat are you going to do when you finally see it?”

Me: I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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What's the best month to have a parade?

March

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nateosis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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I told my dad that I was planning to move to the Arctic circle for a few months.

He said, β€œI don’t like your latitude.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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Made to the beach finally, after months away, and joyously shouted..

..Hey ! Long time no Sea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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I haven’t been able find my pet turtle for the past few months

Turns out he’s just been sheltering in place.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegoodwookie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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During my first month on the road paving crew, they always gave me all the worst jobs. I endured all of it, up until they put me on paint duty...

...that's where I finally had to draw the line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Did you hear what they are going to call the generation of kids born 9 months from now?

Children of the quarn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Good_Kid_Mad_City
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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In a village, far far away, two farmers often had a competition within themselves to see who harvests the most every 6 months.

After failing to win for about 9 times in a row, Jaime, hired a spy who will go and check Jack's harvest the night before the contest so he can harvest more. As the spy came back the night before, he informed the farmer Jaime about the amount that he saw inside Jack's yard but he was not able to tell the amount in exact. Jaime took the spy to his paddy field, gave him some extra money than what they initially agreed upon and said...

"You reap what you saw".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MShafiSatthar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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In the 5th month of every year...

My aunt let's her pigs in the field.

Its Mayham!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dane-Direct
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Which is the most indecisive month?

May

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reverse_mango
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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The government just banned the fifth month of the calendar year.

Everyone was dismayed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xnphls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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The czech government month and a half ago...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/This-Is-De-Wae
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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I always wondered about the fight between Dio and Jotaro. Even though Dio had trained for months before facing him, Jotaro still destroyed him in the end

Ig he really didn't stand a chance

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverStoneX1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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The #1 item pickpocketed during last months protests were mirrors

This doesn't reflect well on the protestors

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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Every month, I get a phase in which I make a lot of jokes about the +7 OS of iodine.

I make periodic periodic jokes.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
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My gas bill is through the roof this month!

I hope next time he goes back to using the letterbox

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteveM06
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
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LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...

Oops, wrong sub

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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I decided to spend the lockdown months taking online lessons on escapology.

I need to get out more.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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For the last few months, I’ve been noticing that my teenage son periodically breaks into hives.

I have no idea why he hates bees so much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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The scarecrow won employee of the month at work today

he was outstanding in the field

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oSocialPeanut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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Every morning for the past six months, I announce loudly to my family that I’m going for a jog, and then I don’t.

It’s my longest running joke of this year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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Proud dad moment: After 5 months, I finally finished the jigsaw puzzle I was working on!

The box said 2-4 years.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YeahChristopher
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2020
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I’ve got a tumor on my leg. I didn’t enjoy it the first few months...

but it’s growing on me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnicornMeat24
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
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I only lasted a month at the calender factory.

They fired me after taking a day off

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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I was trying to get the rent for this month together, but my wife kept showing me clips from 60 Minutes...

I should have known she'd try to Stahl...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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They celebrate the trials and tribulations of the inventors of Kotex today during Women's History Month!

It's a rags to riches story

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2020
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6 months and still no reply. They’re afraid of the truth
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kellyann59
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
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I told my mom that I’m planning to move to the Arctic circle for the next few months.

She said, β€œI don’t like your latitude.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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Why will the kids born 9 months from now be so creepy?

Because they will be The Children of the Quarn.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SarcasticaFont
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2020
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