Why were they called the "Apollo" moon missions?

Because they didn't take a chicken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FunMathematician1
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Peta has a new militant wing, with the mission of enforcing vegan lifestyle..

It’s called Al-Quinoa

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beewthanitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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I have a joke about a mission to the moon, but it's really bad...

I Apollo-gize.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maud_brijeulin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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Canada is planning a mission to the moon

We're calling our spaceship the Apollo-G.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
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I'm a member of the Galactic Senate on a dimplomatic mission to Alderaan - Princess Leia

Hi, I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan, I'm dad - Darth Vader

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jwelshie64
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission

When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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It's great that we're starting to use the term "crewed" for astronaut missions.

"maned missions" was getting pretty crude.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
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My children are now under the assumption that "Dorito" is Spanish for "Orange Triangle". Lunchtime mission accomplished.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrawForChange
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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With NASA's new mission to the sun...

let's hope that the spacecraft is in-sol-uble

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBroDingo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2018
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Dad's been busy

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

  1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

  2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

  3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

  4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

  5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

  6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

  7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

  8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

  9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

  10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

  11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

  12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

  13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

  14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

  1. Took a bo
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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I keep getting funny looks when i insist on playing the first level in spanish.

Nobody expects the spanish intro mission

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flowt
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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My child has been learning what a metaphor is

I asked, is it like a metafive but not as good?

Got a laugh from the teacher and a groan from my kids. Mission complete!

Update: my wife just read the post and I started giggling and said 'I make myself laugh', my seven year old piped up 'you don't make other people laugh'

I'm so proud of myself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepineapplehea
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
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Dad Joked the wife in 2 languages

So I'm British and my wife is Korean. She is ALWAYS asking for tissue to wipe her nose as it's constantly running.

So joke 1: Baby, are you entering your nose in a marathon? Wife puzzled look Because it's always running.

This led to a problem, she didn't understand it straight away. I was incensed, I explained it and got a few laughs from the family but it wasn't enough, I needed the groan.

The next meal I tried again. In Korean, snot is called Nose water (direct translation). So with this in mind I said this 'Baby, we should send your nose to africa, it's full of water'. This led to the groan I so wanted....and an explaination as to why it was stupid....

Mission sucessful

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OptimusYale
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
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The Mars rovers have to be sterile before being sent to the planet to prevent cross contamination. Just one germ and they must clean the spaceship again...

The whole mission must be scrubbed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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Son was playing Need For Speed...

He's doing a mission (I'm barley paying attention). I glance up and there's 2 cop cars trying to stop him. They get on either side of him and pinch him to a stop.

Son: Dang. The cops got me.

Me: What happened? Did they cop block you? (still chuckling to myself)

BTW, He's only 7 years old. He has no idea why I thought it was funny. My wife gave me the look of disapproval, so success was had.

Edit: I just want to let everyone know that I didn't notice my barely/barley mistake until after the hop joke below. Thanks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigDildo
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2014
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The underwater vehicle team turned in a good proposal to NOAA...

The sub-mission submission was excellent!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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My 4 year old dad joked me

Whenever the Alice in Chains song King of the Kats comes on I tell my son that I'm the king of the cats. It drives him crazy. He's made it his personal mission to tell me I'm not the king of the cats and preempts me with a "Dad, you're not the king of the cats!" Whenever it comes on. This has been going on a couple of months.

Fast forward to present day. We're driving and the infamous song gets shuffled on.

He says, "You're not the king of the cats."

I reply, "Then why does every cat we meet call me your majesty?"

He drops this gem, "They don't say that, and if they did, they'd say your meowjesty."

I couldn't be more proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aarononly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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Why can't I open this bag of flour tortillas?

Because it's Mission: Impossible.

(Credit to my wife who said that and started singing the movie theme when I was having trouble opening the bag)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HumboltQuadrant
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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Warlord assassination attempt gone terribly wrong.

A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.

However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/possferatu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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Dad, do ants have antennas?

Of course they do. How else would they listen to the radio?

(Actual question and answer with my daughter earlier this week. I got the eye roll. Mission accomplished.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/idb155676
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
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The Bad Spy

During World War 2, a spy working for the East, and a spy working for Great Britain infiltrated Nazi Germany.

Their mission, eliminating a Schutzstaffel officer.

They succeeded, and the british infiltrator taunted his target afterwards

However, his comrade in arms then punched him in the face.

Why ?

>!He had said "You SS are stupid."!<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arklaw
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
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A classic on fathers day

Im sitting in my bedroom just surfing while my wife give my girls a shower in the master bathroom.

So shower's over and Avery was whining that she was cold. After a long day of swimming, that whining turned into a temper tantrum. IM COLD!! IM REALLY COLD!!! over and over.

Calmly, I say, "Ave", she sobs "what", I say "IM REALLY DADDY, ITS NICE TO MEET YOU"

BOOM!! full blown screams and cries. Mission accomplished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZER0EFFSGIVEN
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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I'm an auto mechanic...

So I can safely say I don't understand the gay agenda.

But I do understand the Trans Mission.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FallenCypher25
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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My son and I were stocking up for the Christmas party at our new rural home...

And on the way back, my son and I tortillaed through three bags of family size Doritos.

We would have pointed fingers at one another, but they were already in our mouths. Sucky situation, I know.

I turned the car around and said, "Son, now our mission is snackfued."

Salty from our spell of bad luck, we licked our lips and hightailed it back to Walgreens. I sent a MSG to my wife to tell her about the crunch we were in.

Many of our guests had already arrived when we finally returned, holding up our carb-earned trophies.

It was then that my son's friend complimented our modest country estate: "Cool Ranch!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuenaPisteada
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2017
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A dad joke from when I was younger

When I was younger, I had a Playstation 2 and a game called SOCOM: US Navy Seals that let you order your virtual team around with different voice commands. I'd be doing a mission and give the command to go weapons free by saying (basically yelling) "Fire at will." Every time I'd do that, my dad's voice would shout back "Who's Will and what'd he do to get shot at?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captainsuperdawg
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2013
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Dadjoked My Kid's Doctor This Morning.

Today was my youngest son's 18 month checkup and when the doctor came in the first thing he said was "please excuse my voice, I'm a little hoarse". Without hesitation I said "you don't look like one".

He just looked at me for a second and then laughed. My wife hid her face in her hands. Mission accomplished. If only my son were old enough to know what happened.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smixton
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2015
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Got my wife this afternoon with this one

My wife walked into our bedroom with our 7 month old to change her diaper. I was behind her headed for the bathroom when she said "hey turn the lights on." I immediatly started rubbing the two little screws that hold the light switch cover on like nipples. The pillow that was thrown at my head let me know I had a successfully completed the dad joke mission of the day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thugaim2135
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Now I know can bench at least one dadjoke

While out walking with the family we saw a bench with a dedication plaque. It read "In Memory of Helen, she walked these meadows with joy". Of course I had no choice but to remark "Why didn't Joy get a bench too?"

Cue involuntary snort of laughter from the wife. Mission accomplished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chibolamoo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2014
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Set the timer for five to six minutes

My daughter tells me after putting in the cupcakes we're making. I entered 5:26

Daughter is looking at me weird, I say get it? Daughter groans... Mission accomplished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinSodder
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2015
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Dadjoke while driving the other day

A few days ago, I was headed home after dinner with my parents and I was sitting shotgun while my dad was driving. We are coming up to a yellow light at Dublin St. and my dad slams on the breaks to avoid running a red light. I go "Dad you should have floored it, we almost made it through Ireland." I got a fist bump from my ol' man and groan from my mother. Mission accomplished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RebelE16
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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Dadjoked the receptionists at the medical lab today

It's cloudy with no rain today, and when I got to the lab in the basement, here's what happened.

Receptionist: Has the sun come out yet today?

Me: No, not yet. But I did see an old bomber and two fighters for the D-Day anniversary.

Nurse passing by: Where were they?

Me: In the sky, where else?

*cue laughter and one "he sure got you good" from the receptionists*

Mission accomplished.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2014
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Talking about the Antares rocket in class...

Student: Yeah, it was supposed to launch Monday, but the mission was scrubbed.

Me: Well at least it was clean before it exploded.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pandajerk20
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2014
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Dadjoked the fam fairly well this morning...

Mickey's Clubhouse is on. Mickey and friends walk up to Donald's door.

Mickey: "Hi Donald, Pluto told us to come over to your house!"

Me (Akroyd voice): "We're on a mission from Dog."

The groans echoed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KneeDeepThought
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Walking my daughter to school this morning...

...and I was quizzing her before her social studies test. "What was the major language group spoken in our region?" "Siouan." "They must've been great lawyers." "What?" "They're Siouan that guy; they're Siouan this guy..." "groan" Mission accomplished! :D

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kyzylwork
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
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Dinner time joke.

The other night we were out to dinner. I picked up my silverware and told my daughter, "you know, I used to play the spoons in the forkestra, but I wasn't very good, so I got cut." She laughed, wife rolled her eyes, mission accomplished.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2013
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Looking for food

OK, I'm, the dad, but we were near the San Diego mission and looking for a restaurant. Now, that's a problem since I have some food allergies. After checking about 8 restaurants, the inlaws were starting to get a little bit concerned. I said, "Nope. We'll find one." They said, "What makes you think so?" "I'm a man on a Mission."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PRMan99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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My friend just started playing water polo

After she told me the first thing is ask,

"So how do you get the horses in the water?"

Room filled with groans, mission complete

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SparkyDogPants
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
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My favorite fandom

My daughter was trying to explain "fandoms" to her little brother at the breakfast table this morning. Daughter: "A community of people who are fans of the same thing and talk about it online can make up a fandom." Me: "My favorite is the fandom of the opera." Everyone at the table groaned loudly. Dad joke mission accomplished.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AutocorrectGuy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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/u/musicmanryann on dropping your baby

http://www.reddit.com/r/gifs/comments/1t1ntf/airports_security_officer_saves_a_baby_in_an/ce3mqjh

> Sorry, "Operation Don't Drop Baby" is always a dad's number one mission and priority. This guy must've ate a foot-long stupid sandwich for breakfast sitting his baby up on the counter like that. Source: I'm a Dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kernel_Forbin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2013
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