The Lump Puns

I guess you could say the steaks were high

Many years ago,  Red Skelton  told the following joke using his inebriate character, Willie Lump Lump.

Willie explained to the young lady, “I keep a mongoose in my coat pocket.   That way, when I go home after drinking, and there are snakes all over the lawn of my yard, I let the mongoose loose and he kills them all, so it’s safe for me to enter the house.”

The young woman sadly tried to explain, “I’ve got news for you, Mr. Lump Lump, those snakes are imaginary!”

Willie Lump Lump replied, “I’ve got news for  you, so is the mongoose!”

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/willie-lump-lump-and-the-mongoose/

Half-a-lump.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

With a large, painful lump under his armpit. In a slight panic, the man asks the doctor if there's any way he can help by informing him of what the massive growth is.

The doctor looks carefully and slightly questioning his diagnosis says, "A cyst?"

"Right", says the man, "I'd love to know what the hell this thing is and if you can help me with it".

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

I went to the doctor with a hand injury from playing football (in the British sense). I hyper extended my thumb and I have a weird lump on the side. He said there's not much to be done about it. I asked how long the pain might last. He said...

"About two or three months... As a rule of thumb"

Bravo!

He said to me "Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this".

"Dad, you don't mean the... ".

"Yes son", he interrupted, as he handed me the first five editions of '1001 Dad Jokes'.

With the tears welling in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, I said "Dad, I'm honoured!".

"Well hello Honoured, I'm Dad".

So the doctor asks the man:

"What can I help you with?"

To which the frog responds:

"Well, it all started with a little lump on my butt."

My back has been hurting lately, an last night when my girlfriend came by, she did me the favor of rubbing my back. As she got lower, I told her about a smallish fatty lump on my lower right side. She asked if it hurt to rub or touch, and I said calmly without thinking, "nah, it hasn't hurt anyone, doesn't ever do anything but cyst there."

We sat in silence for a few seconds as we realized what just happened. I couldn't stop smiling, but the house groaned.

So I have an infected lymph node. It's a little swollen. My partner was showing My 4 1/2 year old...

Partner: can you see the lump on daddies face? Miss4.5: that's not a lump that's his nose!

When I was four or five, any time I'd ask my dad to draw something for me he would draw a lump, say it's a rock and that the thing I'd requested was hidden behind the rock.