I had to fire the guy I hired to mow my lawn.

He just didn’t cut it.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellgames01
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Condensation really isn't the best way to water your lawn...

But it'll make dew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i4mb4tm4n
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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Ever since I killed one of my chickens with the lawn mower...

all manner of scary, haunting things are happening to me. I may have a poultrygeist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.

He had no idea he had started a turf war.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Four Seasons Total Lawn Care created some good ones after the bizarre press conference Saturday such as "Lawn and Order" and "Make America Rake Again" - I don't see them using this one on their promotional materials though:
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Told my wife to message the lawn person

Because we are taking our fence down.

She came back, stopped me, just to ask "Is there a mower emoji?

I said: is that really an emojency?

38, first original joke from an unoriginal dad. Had to share.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shor7Fuz3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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A well just mysteriously appeared in the lawn at the precinct!

The police are currently looking into it...

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/clark_creationz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. Somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer. Always something more important to me...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. β€œYou need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. β€œDo you mow the whole yard in one direction.”

β€œWhy?” she asked.

β€œBecause that’s what makes it beautiful.”

Oh, the eye roll on this kid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisoatkins
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the French baker say after mowing his lawn?

Time to baguette.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SplatCactus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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My son came home to find me slumped over the lawn mower crying my eyes out. He shouted over the noise, "You ok, pop?!" I shouted back...

"I'm fine!! I'm just going through a rough patch!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad comes in from mowing the lawn

DAD: "Man, I am dizzy from mowing the lawn"
ME: "Drink some water and lay down, it's hot out there!"
DAD: "Go look at the lawn" wink

He mowed the lawn in a giant circle pattern... The circumferences that man will go for a joke

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Only_Abe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
when my kid was 51% done with the lawn

it was mow-stly complete

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/death_by_anxiety
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been so bored lately that I've been sprinkling water on people's lawns in the morning.

It gives me something to dew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people in my town were protesting by transplanting the courthouse lawn...

It was a grassroots movement.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cartergansweater
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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The pink plastic birds, popular as lawn ornaments in Florida.....

are they called, "Placebo Flamingos"?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SSEiGuy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I needed to add some grass seeds to my lawn. The only thing I could find to keep the seeds out of my flower bed was some ceramic bunnies my wife had, so I used those as a barrier.

Please don’t make fun of my re-seeding hare line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/saulfineman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new sign they put on the lawn of the rehab center?

It says β€œKeep off the grass”

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommyWiseaus_butt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I just mowed the lawn.

Worked my grass off.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OpaqueYeti
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad: Your Grandfather used to always mow the lawn

Son : Please don't Dad: Now hes Lawn gone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jeffrywatisun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Get the F off my lawn. gfycat.com/AstonishingSpa…
πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/farcicer
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife thinks I'm taking too much time mowing the lawn

She said: "Stop beating around the bush and get to it!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stibar
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.

ha ha ha ha ha ha get it?!?!?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SillyStraw29
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend used to take care of the lawn on a rich man's estate but now runs a coffee wholesale store...

He calls it The Groundskeeper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad uses a cow to keep the lawns under control

He calls it his lawn mooer.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the name of the guy who takes care of your lawn?

Moe

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad told me he only mowed half the lawn. I asked which half. He answered:

The top.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/niggety
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!

Neighbor Dad 2: That’s on a need to mow basis.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teshlord44
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Today I had to get rid of the lawn mower I've had for 20 years.

It just could no longer make the cut.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Challengedildo
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
🚨︎ report
What's Irish and sits out on the lawn all day?

Paddy O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallpapab
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Why did the man pour alcohol on his lawn?

So it would get half cut.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.

It's all well now.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Veni
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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My neighbor is renovating his kitchen and keeps leaving huge delivered packages on his front lawn. The latest is a huge basin on a pallet and It. Is. An eyesore.

Let that sink in.

Happy Father's Day!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thejohnblog
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad always used to tell me to wear shoes when using the lawn mower. I would always end up wearing slippers.

He would say "Don't come running to me if you get your legs cut off!".

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2016
🚨︎ report
The sheep were slow to eat my lawn today -- turns out I just needed more ram.
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLe99
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the cobbler say to get the slavs off his lawn?

Shoe polish

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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I just found out the lawn chair was invented by an Irish woman.

Her name was Patty O'Furniture.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spainman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
🚨︎ report
I finished mowing the lawn just before the first guests arrived for our party.

I didn't realize I was cutting it close.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daytonatrbo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife asked what all those bees were doing on the lawn

I said, "Probably just be-ing."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yakinikuman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2017
🚨︎ report
What's a fun sport to play on the lawn?

Grassketball

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HE77B0Y
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2017
🚨︎ report
So I was mowing our lawn the other day and I wasn't wearing any shoes.

My dad shouted at me from the balcony and said "If you cut off your legs mowing that lawn, don't you come running to me".

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2015
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My dad genetically modified a bunch of plants to look like him...now there are green daddys all over the lawn
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedYellon
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2016
🚨︎ report
What Did The Monkey Say When His Tail Got Caught In The Lawn Mower?

It won't be long now.

Ted Allen said this dad joke on Chopped and this older cowboy chef knew the punchline. He must have kids.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnCrunchDaPimp
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2015
🚨︎ report
I saw my dad slumped over the lawn mower, crying his eyes out, so I yelled, "Are you ok?!"

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2018
🚨︎ report
What's Irish and sits out on the lawn all day?

Paddy O'Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tallpapab
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2017
🚨︎ report

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