Did You Know…
In Las Vegas there are more Catholic Churches than casinos. Not surprisingly some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed In.
This is done by the chip monks.
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
It earned the nickname Sin City!
And here I thought John Cena looks more like a snacc.
He said he wanted to make a Ghee Tar.
DilEmma
Because anywhere you go, it takes 4 or 5 hours
But it was a Mirage...
Because they were "cant-elope"!
Just thought of this one tonight having a late-night pregnancy craving for cantaloupe
"The first two were Do Do Land and Re Re Land.." - My father
To which I replied, "No, I'm here for Beethoven. Who the heck is Will Call?" Worth it for the few 'extra air out of the nose' laughs I got from the three people around me.
"Remember the a la mode!"
The conversation went like this.
Dad: C'est la vie.
Kid: La vie.
Dad: No, "C'est la vie."
Kid: I did.
¿Qué dijo la gallina de un lado del camino a la gallina del otro lado del camino?
“¡PA’CA! ¡PA’CA!”
English:
What did the chicken on one side of the road say to the chicken on the other side of the road?
“Over here! Over here!”
(“Pa’ca” means “over here” in colloquial Spanish)
(I’m of Cuban descent for reference)
We all knew that at some point, we’d have to discuss the LA font in the room.
Everything in the menu is *a la carte
I quickly replied, if it happens, you can say Hosta la vista, baby.
That got me a round of slow clapping from the whole family.
A young man worked at a carpet selling business and one day his boss came up to him and said:
"We have been impressed with how you sell the products. We're going to send you to a carpeting convention in Las Vegas so you can learn all the tricks of the trade. We will pay for your flights, accommodation, and all your food!"
The young man was excited and went and got ready for his trip. The day of the trip came and the young man's boss called and asked him if he was excited for his adventure to which the young man replied:
"Yes I am! I'm gonna seize the day because I've got a carpet per diem"
The creme de la crematorium
2:30 AM: A woman accused of robbing a large bank in San Francisco
6:00 PM: A man accused of scamming high rollers in Las Vegas
9:00 PM: A man accused of shooting two rival gang members in Los Angeles
The last one: Keep him away from the Crip tonight
r/punpatrol
r/punKGB
r/Pun_Internal_Affairs
r/punspecialforces
These are the names of our oppressors! There may be more, but they are our greatest threat. They are currently amassing an army to try to end puns as we know it.
If we are to save this beautiful form of our language, than we must unite! We must not divide ourselves by titles, but unite ourselves as punners!
They plan on eradicating all puns by going to the source, the pun user. Are we to let ourselves be undermined by those who think they are better than us? Are we to let ourselves and all future generations be banned from puns? If you say no, then join in the revolt
##VIVA LA R/PUNS
Told my girlfriend I had some ideas for names for our future kids.
First was Penelope for a girl, because I always liked the nickname Penny. Girlfriend thought it was cute and agreed.
Next was Dimitri because it's not too common and sounds artsy. Girlfriend was not much of a fan, but agreed it would sound good with our last name.
Last was Nicholas Levar for a son's name. Named after Santa Claus and Star Trek's Geordi La Forge. I love Christmas and my girlfriend loves Star Trek. Girlfriend shot it down.
At this point I said, "But the nicknames are good! Penny, Dime, and Nick L. We would have 16 cents to our name! It makes cents to me!"
Not sure if she wants to have kids with me now.
EDIT: To the guys saying Dime isn't a nickname for Dimitri, they're MY imaginary kids, I'll call them what I damn want.
I think somersaults should be renamed cartwheels
And cartwheels should be named a la carewheels.
Cuz they're on the side
So last night, i proposed to my girlfriend of 7 years. We went to go watch Boyz ii Men out here in Las Vegas. I had purchased the meet and greet package to which the entire show staff and Boyz ii Men were completely aware about what I was about to do.
After I had popped the question, there was silence, Wanya turns over to my girlfriend, and says, "You can say, he's On Bended Knee." I heard my girlfriend silently groan under her breath, before she said YES!
I'm notorious for puns in our relationship, so after he came through with that punchline, she knew that they were in on it too. What an honorable night for a dadjoke!
Photos of the moment here!
http://imgur.com/a/pIO0h
Q: What is the average math teacher?
A: mean
Q: What dessert do math teachers eat the most?
A: pie a la mode
Q: Where does the average cop hide when catching people for speeding?
A: The highway median
English and Spanish.
The Trump administration is making a game out of getting Latinos out of the country, they call it deporte.
Spanish heathens have to pay extra to preforn their ceremonies. Pagan rituals
What sci-fi weapon does the King of Spain prefer? A rey-gun!
Do you know how many times anyone had to tell me how to say 'eleven' in Spanish? Once.
Exclusivamente en español (Perdón por errores gramaticales)
Qué comida es el mas mojado? El agua-cate
Cual comida no puede decir una mentira? La verdadura
Como se llama un libro sobra la revolución? Libre!
Qué es exactamente una mejor que Beyonce? Beydoce
Cual animal siempre tiene un novio o novia? El Parejaro.
Cual comida es el menos diverido? Aburrito.
Sobre que papel de pelicula de Madonna no le quiere hablar? Evita!
Quiero que me digáis mas. Nunca tengo suficiente bromas!
I was sitting at a moderately crowded bar last night enjoying dinner when an older couple came up and sat next to me. We exchanged hellos and I continued eating my jambalaya. After a bit, the husband finally knew what he wanted to drink.
Husband: "Do you have (so and so) beer?"
Bartender: "Hang on a sec, I'll check."
As the bartender walked away, the husband held both of his arms in the air, closing his hands into fists right above his head, a la Steve Holt. After about 30 seconds, and you could tell she really didn't want to, the wife asks what he's doing.
Wife: "Honey, why are your arms in the air?"
Husband: "I'm hanging on."
The wife rolls her eyes and I laugh inappropriately loudly. He grins.
So at this point, the joke has been made. It's over. But no! He's in it for the long haul. He kept his arms in the air for a solid 3 more minutes, just so the bartender could get in on the joke. She returns with his bottle of beer.
Husband: "Can I stop hanging on now?"
Bartender groans.
Wife: "Yes, please."
I admire his dedication. And his taste in beer.
I heard on the radio a few days ago:
Imagine dragons will be performing in Las Vegas on New Years Eve!
Cant you IMAGINE
important, my family speaks Spanish
After my school's Christmas concert, I went out to eat with my family. They were asking me about some people who were announced for having made it into the All-State Band and Orchestra, one of which was a string bass player (contrabajo in Spanish).
I told them: "Si... Ella toca contrabajo. (Yes... She plays string bass.)"
And my dad replies: "¿Pues si toca con trabajo, porque la aceptaron? (Well if she plays with difficulty, why did they accept her?)"
TL;DR: Contrabajo = string bass, con trabajo = with difficulty
When Harry Met Salad
What About Ke-Bob
Cumin to America
Weekend at Bearneaise II
Steakin I, II, & III
A Few Good Salmon
You’ve Got Kale
Shawshank Re-Dim Sum
Romancing the Scone
An Éclair to Remember
Roman Hollandaise
Glazed and Confused
Bill & Ted’s Eggcellent Adventure
The Evil Bread
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Shrimp
Fondue the Right Thing
Ribeyes Wide Shut
Mignons
Plante of the Grapes
Spider Manchu
Sushis All That
A Wok to Remember
Marsala-la Land
Apocalypse Cow
Die Chard
Die Chard with a Vinaigrette
Hogan’s Gyros
The Sand Latkes
A League of their Macaroni
Revenge of the Curds
Rush S’More
Braising Arizona
Demolition Ham
10 Things I hate About Ewe
Saladin
Oliver and Com-penne
Dirty Rotten Chanterelles
Sex and the Satay
The Truth About Cats & Hotdogs
Morella Enchanted
Provolone Together
Clear and Pheasant Danger
The Big Chili
Lémon: The Professional
Ava-Tartare
Hocous Pocous
High Fi-Deli Meat
Madagascargot
The Fifth Elementos
Muensters Inc.
There’s Something About Rosemary
I Am Ham
Quiche Lorraine Man
Barley & Me
Lentil Giants
Peggy Soufflé Got Married
Face Stroganoff
Con Gruyére
Fast Times at Porridgemont High
Bok Choys in the Hood
Papillonion
Requinoa for a Dream
Serial Cardamom
So my grandfather is on his honeymoon with our grandmother and they are driving to Las Vegas, on their way there they see a fellow on the side of the road. They debate about taking him to the city instead of leaving him there, the end up letting him get a ride to the city, they say "Hey sir, want a ride to the city?" He replies "sure thanks", they drive down the road and notice he has a bag, so they ask " what's in the bag?" He replies with "None of your damn business" they start to think in their heads, what if he has something illegal or dangerous, so my grandfather takes action, he goes to the side of the road and pretends to fake piss and opens the door and my grandmother kicks him out and my grandfather gets back in locks the door and they speed off, as they're driving they notice he left his back and dropped it in the car, they decide to open and see what it beholds, they open the bag and find a single piece of paper, the paper had wording on it, it said "None of your damn business."
Mom and I were in the car and this conversation happened:
Mom: "that car is such an ugly shade of green"
Me: "I agreen"
Mom: "ha. ha. ha." rolls eyes
Me: "Es la verde-d!"
The oh la la lava!
My dad asked me to look for some chips so I went to look for them...
Me: Donde estan? - Where are they?
Dad: En la alacena. - In the cupboard.
I got the chips and when I got back to my dad a spark of creativity came to me...
Me: No las podia encontrar, es que estaba buscando en el almuerzo y no en la cena.
-I couldn't find them, seems I was looking in lunch and not in dinner.
My dad smiled and ate his chips.
for reference, alacena = cupboard, cena = dinner
So this joke needs a little context: I go to school at USC in South LA.
We were turning in our homework assignments and people kept turning them in with the edges folded instead of stapled. My professor looks at us and says "If you guys need staples, there is a staples center about a mile from here." We just stared back at him and then slowly all started to laugh.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
They remember the a la mode
