LIFE RANT: yesterday was the first day I’ve been outside my house since coronavirus started, I just wanted to get some Jimmy Johns. It’s been 3 months, I ordered a #16 Club Lulu, something seemed off but by the time I got to the car I realized...

Oops, wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
The teacher asked, "what does the nose fill with?" Jimmy answered, "boogers."

The teacher replied, "good but that's snot the answer I was looking for."

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
β€ͺAn evil French chef mixes Kryptonite in their treats and flings them at Superman. Batman arrives on the scene but does nothing, allowing Jimmy Olsen to catch the pastries in a net, at which point Superman saves the day. It’s like they say:

Not all heroes snare crepes.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atruthtellingliar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Jimmy Buffett was recently attacked by the remaining members of a defunct New England religion.

It was the Last Shaker Assault.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I tried to show my kids the Jimmy Hoffa website, but kept getting a malformed HTML exception.

No <Body>

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/denzien
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2017
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A big thank you to "Dad jokes."

As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!

I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.

Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Junglejimirish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2015
🚨︎ report
This is my dad's favorite joke that he tells all the time (long)

It's the end of the Kindergarten year, and for all the kindergartners to graduate to first grade they all have to take a simple test.

The teacher walks up to the first kid and goes "Okay Jimmy. To graduate we have to name a few simple body parts. Where are your fingers?"

Jimmy wiggles his fingers.

"Good. Where are your knees?"

Jimmy points to his knees

"Very good. Last question. Where is your nose?"

Jimmy points to his nose

"Very good! How did you know all that?"

Jimmy points to his head and says, "Kidneys"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dumbjokes101
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method

A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.

At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.

On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets have been reporting potatoes to be the next big superfood, and his design is poised to make him millions, if not billions of dollars. Jimmy pitches the man for the entire plane ride, and convinced him. They hop on the next flight back to visit the board of directors once again. The board is shocked. Both ideas stand to make billions of dollars for the company, but there is one slight problem.

The CEO says to the man, β€œwe know you have these two ideas. However, we can only allocate enough resources to make one of them profitable. I recommend you take some time off and really decide which of these ideas you want our company to produce. We can schedule a meeting in a few weeks if that works for you.”

The man says right back to the CEO, β€œI’m going to take a walk and clear my head. This is a big decision” and walks right out of the room.

Not even five seconds later the man comes back into the room and says β€œI’ve made my decision. Let’s go with the shipping method.” This shocks the CEO, who says β€œare you sure?? This is a billion dollar decision and you only took five seconds to think about it.”

The man looks back at him and says β€œwell, in this business time is moneyβ€” so I decided to make my decision schooner rather than tater”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BearGuru
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Went to the gas station today.

Started filling up tank with regular 87. Didn't sound right, so I pulled the nozzle out and see that it was just a bunch of shaving cream. Tried the mid grade: rubber snakes. Premium: Jimmy Kimmel canceled Christmas.

Dammit, April Fuels.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/abeannis
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad asked me if I wanted a Hertz donut...

Back in the 90s, I remember playing some N64 after school when my dad came home from work. He comes into the living room and asks me what's up and, as a teen, I say "nuthin" and keep playing while he just stands there. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he's looking at me with a stupid grin on his face that's he's trying to suppress poorly. Finally, he asks me to pause the game. I turn to him and he asks "You want a Hertz donut?" I obviously know this joke, but to make it worse, he's already making a fist, ready at his side. I roll my eyes and say "No, I do not want a Hertz donut." He just relaxes his hand and says surprised "Oh, you don't? You sure?" I say I'm sure and he says okay and walks back out to his car, leaving me to return to my GoldenEye. A few seconds later, he comes strolling back in the room, with a box of a dozen donuts in his hand, while he's eating one, with the same stupid grin on his face. On the box of donuts, "Dunkin" has been crudely crossed out and Hertz written beneath it in Sharpie marker. He walks into the kitchen saying "Guess you won't be having these Hertz donuts!" I'm in awe. I follow him into the kitchen and he finally relents and lets me take a donut. I ask him "So, you bought these donuts, and just put this joke together on the way home?" He says he thought of the joke earlier in the day at work and had to buy the donuts for the bit. I start laughing hysterically thinking about him sitting at work itching to leave to pull this off. As we sit there, quietly eating these donuts, he breaks the silence with a mouth full of donut, with "Had to stop at CVS to pick up a Sharpie too." I almost choked on the donut jimmies.

TLDR: Dad offered a Hertz donut, should've taken him up on it.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PriestPorridge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
🚨︎ report
Watching the Oscars...

Jimmy Kimmel: "Let me introduce a former Pro Wrestler who is now one of the highest paid actors in America... The Rock"

Girlfriend: "Oh I love The Rock! Who doesn't love the Rock?!"

Me: "The Scissors..."

Girlfriend: -_- "I hate you."

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skyman1122
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2017
🚨︎ report
My Dads always giving the the Ice Cream scooper a hard time.

He always complains when they don't know the difference between jimmies and sprinkles. But I can't blame him he did do extensive ice cream research in Sunday School.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dirty_dand
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2017
🚨︎ report
The teacher asked the class if everyone got the syllabus.

Jimmy raised his hand and said, "No, I took the boring school bus."

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redditurded
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2016
🚨︎ report
Dad's encounter with cat

My dad was a carpenter and would start to tell me a story in such an honest way I thought for sure he was serious;

"Ya know, this one time we were building this house, and this damn cat kept coming in and bothering us all day. So my buddy Jimmy put some gas in a cap and the cat drank the whole thing... Suddenly, it jumped up and ripped all over the room bouncing off walls and crashing into everything. Then, it just fell over....."

waits for you to say

"Did it die?"

"Nope. Ran outta gas."

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mofo34
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
🚨︎ report
Not my dad, but a dad joke nonetheless

In the TV show Jimmy Neutron, Jimmy's dad, Hugh, pulls him over to speak with him

Hugh: Now, remember, son - there's no "I" in "team," you know what I mean?

Jimmy: You mean we should sublimate our differences for the good of our combined effort?

Hugh: What? No, no, I mean there's no letter "i" in the word "team." There's never a wrong time for a spelling lesson, son!

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bennythomson
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2013
🚨︎ report
Everytime we go to this one restaurant.

Waiter: "What do you want to eat?"

Dad: "I want the Jimmy!"

Waiter: "The what?"

Dad: "The Jimmy Buffet!"

Everyone in earshot groans.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Redeemed_King
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2015
🚨︎ report
DadJoke Commitment

My dad's favorite movie of all time is "It's a Wonderful Life" starring Jimmy Stewart. If you haven't seen the movie, you won't get this.

So, my dad changed his text-tone on his phone to a really high-pitched "diiing!". And I shit you not, every time, without fail, whenever he gets a text, he says, "Another angel just got his wings!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Grumble__Cakes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2014
🚨︎ report
Thought they were called sprinkles!

So my girlfriends dad goes in an ice cream shop and orders a large vanilla cone.

The employee asks if he would like jimmies

"No! I don't want jimmies, I want my own."

My face to my girlfriend http://memeguy.com/photos/images/mrw-i-make-a-dirty-joke-out-of-an-innocent-comment-from-my-dad-and-he-glares-at-me-24139.gif

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PizzaMink
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.