What do you call an influencer who has the flu?

An influenza

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Projkt88
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
🚨︎ report
When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text.

I want to talk about my father and the wonderful influence he has had on my life,' he told the audience. 'He is a shining example of parenthood, and I love him more than words could ever do justice.'

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, 'Sorry, but it's really hard to read my father’s handwriting.'

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is the boat influenced by pears?
πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ntn_98
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.

They said I was weaving all over the road.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Mob try to influence Marlin Brando’s character in β€˜On the Waterfront’?

By using pier pressure.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rossum81
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
They say you shouldn’t trust the media because that influences how you see the world...

In reality, you can’t trust light bulb manufacturers because they only show you what you want to see.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oftenoffend
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call an educator under the influence?

A high school teacher

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hutimuti
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2016
🚨︎ report
The increase of bad parents has directly influenced the increase in gays.

Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Conniption26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call a multilingual under the influence?

Rosetta stoned

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Proof of Ireland’s influence on Tolkien.... The Cliffs of Moher Door
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rigjitsu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report
The driver was charged by police for driving taxi under influence of alcohol.

Police said he was intaxicated

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
You can actually do calculus under the influence

you just need to know your limits.

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lurker111111
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2013
🚨︎ report
ABBA was heavily influenced by the minoans

You can see this in one of their hit singles β€œMinoan me, Minoan you”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Russiankomrad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Seems like my dad's sense of humour is influencing the young mind of my sister who said this just then.

Sister: How does a hunchback sleep?
Me: ... On their side?
Sister: No they close their eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/guest495
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
🚨︎ report
Handy Woman gets a job

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"

The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"

"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

πŸ‘︎ 74
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2020
🚨︎ report
So, this is the end.

I was arrested for speaking out of line. I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by our small town government, but despite that, my friends and I have pushed on, resisting our mistreatment and misery. But as you know, I was arrested. Surprisingly, I wasn't jailed or executed. I was beaten. They had us in a row, lines up facing our tormentors. The would-be executioners merely thrust their fists upon us. It was brutal. While there, I though to myself, "Huh, I guess this is the punchline."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
An evil wizard..

There was an evil wizard who hated mathematics. One day he decided that he would end math once and for all, by capturing the 10 digits, and locking the away forever in his secret prison. So he cast his spell, and all the digits, from 0 to 9 were under his influence. He put them in his magic sack and rode off to the prison. When he reached the prison, he opened the sack. To his horror, there were not 10, but 9 digits there. After searching thoroughly he realized that...it was the 1 that got away.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Russian Influence!

After yesterday's hockey game there is proof of Russians influencing the Capitals!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TamanianDevil
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Pastor dad-joked the congregation..

My pastor was talking about the influences of mothers in our lives... He proceeded to talk about how his daughter danced and had pleased Herod, and he offered her anything she wanted, up to half the kingdom. The dancer consulted her mother, who said she should request John the Baptist's head.

This, he informed us, is how to get a head in life.

Dad tears were present.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jman4647
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2014
🚨︎ report
I earned a verbal grunt from my professor for this one.

My professor and I were emailing about the final project I had recently submitted when I decided to take the time to thank her for being so helpful. Professors that make classes easier to understand and add a little humor to their lectures deserve all the praise in the world, and mine was no exception to that. This was also my first class that wasn't a general education course, starting me on an MIS degree.

I emailed her saying something along the lines of,

"Thanks for being so helpful throughout the semester, this was my first MIS class and you really gave me the confidence I needed in knowing I was doing it right."

I followed with "Thanks for making this class so interesting, I will be transferring to (insert new college here) to continue earning my MIS degree. I think it's safe to say you influenced my decision to a certain degree. Hah! Certain degree, get it?"

She called me over after next lecture to tell me how bad my pun was while groaning and chuckling. No regrets.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad and international humor

Dad and I were having a semi-serious discussion on privacy laws, the internet and stuff like that.

DAD: I was reading a study the other day, and you know what country receives most spam e-mails per citizen by day?

ME: No, I didn't even know the country would influence that...

DAD: Yeah, turns out SPAIM is on top of the list...

ME: .............

DAD: (laughs like a fucking maniac for almost a minute)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/roguewolf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Apparently I am a bad influence.

So a couple days ago as I was leaving work I get a phone call from a friend of mine who I shall call k during this story

Now K never calls people so I was surprised that he was calling me, and was even more surprised when the first words he said when I picked up where, β€œAcriloc you’re a bad influence on my brother.”

I was shocked at such an accusation, wounded even and asked why. K then proceeded to tell me how when he was at work he slipped on a recently mopped floor and fractured his arm. A coworker of his dropped him off at the ER where he decided to text his brother C, someone whom I’m friend with as well, while he waited.

C asked if K was ok, and how since K works in a kitchen what’s he going to do if he can’t use his right arm for a while. K then told C how he tends to practice using his left arm just in case anything like this would happen, and though he won’t be able to do everything he did in the kitchen he’ll still be able to work and help out.

C responded with, β€œI guess all that practice came in....handy.”
Causing K to burst out in laughter in the middle of the ER waiting room, filled with people who are in pain and not having a pleasant day. The amount of death stares he got from people as he was laughing while trying to point at his phone and explain he’s laughing because of a lame joke his brother sent him was quite the sight to behold apparently.

Apparently I am to blame for all this because C used to never make jokes like that until he met me since I try to find any excuse to make a dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Acriloc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2014
🚨︎ report
While listening to Pandora, dad dropped this one.

We were playing Scrabble and my father asked if I could get music on my phone. I pull up Pandora and after a few songs I ask if he'd like any more influences because all it played was Chris Cornell and his few bands. He told me to add The Doors to it. Few songs later, The Who started playing. He proceeded with "Who came through The Doors?" and he laughed at his joke for a good minute or two.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFakeSpiderman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.