Did you hear about the Spanish folk musician that lost his instrument in an accident?

He made a maraca-less recovery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Corksasquatch
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2022
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Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?

To avoid false positives.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nic0nicon1
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2022
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What kind of instrument do you find in the bathroom?

Tuba toothpaste.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaelyneb5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2021
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Accordion to a recent survey replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ordinarybloke1963
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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This year, my friend decided to play his string instrument with a neck and a deep round back enclosing a hollow cavity, with a sound hole in the body at the voting booths...

He was arrested for ear poll-lute-tion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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Why was the movie about string instruments in a mafia,rated r?

Because it had too much violins.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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Who's the best at installing covers for the instrument panels in automobiles

The Car Dashians.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/H-DaneelOlivaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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A music project in the ghetto taught a lot of youngsters to play string instruments. The crime rate dropped significantly.

But now they have a lot of violins

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arthur_Decosta
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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A man walked into a bar with his pet octopus. He went up to the counter and bet everyone in the bar $50 that they couldn’t bring the octopus a musical instrument that it couldn’t play...

One man pulled an old guitar off the wall that hadn’t been tuned in years and gave it to the octopus.

The octopus took the guitar, tuned it right up and began play.

There was no doubt that the octopus was an excellent guitar player.

The man paid his handler $50 and sat down.

Another man brought a saxophone to the octopus.

The octopus took it and stared for a bit.

After a minute or two the octopus began playing a deep and soulful jazz solo.

This man paid his $50 and sat down.

The bartender went into the back and brought out a set of bag pipes.

The bartender said, β€œI’ll bet $100 that the octopus can’t play these bagpipes.”

The man agreed and handed them to the octopus.

The octopus sat there eyeing the bagpipes up and down for quite awhile.

The handler began to get nervous so he said to the octopus, β€œHurry up and start playing the thing”

The octopus spewed, β€œPlay it?! I wanna marry her!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
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Instrument Ice Cream Puns?

Hello! I need some assistance!

My daughter’s band teacher always makes a pitch at the end of concerts for parents to treat their kids to ice cream. We want to thank him at the end of the year by making him a custom ice cream flavor from a friend who has an ice cream business.

I’m trying to think of a name for it that is a pun involving instruments. We don’t know what flavor yet so I’m really just brainstorming right now.

So please give me your best ice cream/instrument puns. :) Thanks in advance!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MissJeriMander
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2022
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A fight at an orchestra

One day there was a very heated argument in an orchestra about what instrument is the best. People were so angry that they started fighting each other so the conductor yelled: " Guys, please, nothing good comes from violence!". Consequently, string supporters started beating the shit out of him as well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eu713
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2022
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Music to my ears

An up-and-coming musician was involved in a terrible accident. He lost both of his arms, which caused him great anguish as his hopes of playing in a jazz band were crushed.

However, his love of music kept him looking for solutions until he found a man who made custom instruments. The musician explained his problem and was overjoyed when the instrument maker came back with something that did not require the use of fingers:

It was an all-toe sax.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DantesDame
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2022
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There was a knight whose job it was to guard other knights while they sleep

But as anyone that has worked the night shift knows it can be a long and boring affair. No great threats to defend against. So this knight decided to improve himself, night after night he would bring books to read while he stood guard. Learning languages, math, philosophy. The smarter he gets the more he realizes that he will likely leave the world and be forgotten. In his depression he turns to music, learning instrument after instrument, style after style. Using his knowledge of math to create beautiful patterns and moving songs. He learns that it is they rhythm more than anything that draws people to a song and sets his nights to finding the rhythm that will be universally loved. Now, hundreds of years after his death, people the world over still remember Sir Cadian's Rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirDianthus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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I dad jokes my dentist while she was actively working on me.

Scene- Me, at dentist, having teeth removed. She was having a bit of trouble with some of them and this was while she had instruments in my mouth. There's some pain after maximum amount of anesthetic she can give me. Asks me how I'm doing.

Me- There is some pain in the teeth after numbing but it isn't anything I can handle.

Dentist- Last time you were here we didn't have a problem but this time your teeth are being a major pain in the butt.

Me- My teeth are a pain in the butt? No wonder people say I talk out of my ass way too much.

She had to stop for a bit to finish laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nodnarb232001
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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Last night I had a dream

I was playing a woodwind instrument in a concert hall. In my underpants.

I was the flute of the room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmdeemer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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Hit me with your puns for a folk festival shirt!

My friend is designing a t-shirt for Folk Fest and needs a witty, all-ages-appropriate pun to go on it, but neither her, nor I or my fiancee can come up with one. The image on the front is of a beardy man playing the tuba, with a bird (Cardinal, I think?) coming out of it that's playing the drums. Out of the bass drum is crawling a cracked-out-looking dude wearing flannel, who's playing the guitar-looking instrument, with arms coming out of that playing the triangle. A great pun for the shirt with the word "Folk" in it would be much appreciated, and I know you guys are good at making puns, so fire away! Reddit, lend me your puns!

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2012
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Not my dad, but my band director who is a dad

So I have a class where I sit in the band hall and practice my instrument, and near the end of class I looked at the clock and noticed that the bell should have rang already (at 10:40). I checked my phone, and it was only 10:37.

The conversation went like this:

"Mr. Band director, that clock is ahead."

"No, that clock is a clock." (I didn't get it)

"What? No it's ahead."

"No, your head is a head. That is a clock."

I persisted (because I STILL didn't get it) and he said to the other people in the room "can we all agree that that is a clock, and not a head?"

I finally got it, and said "It's a clock, but it's also ahead - like one word - ahead."

"No, the clock is running fast, but it is not a head."

My friend - "it can't run because it doesn't have any legs."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WackidWally
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2014
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I just found this subreddit, here's a couple of my favorites from dear ole' dad. I can only hope to be a blip of his greatness when I'm his age.

How do you kill a blue elephant?

  • With a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a white elephant?

  • Choke him till he turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.

Did you know elephants paint their toenails to hide in bags of skittles? No? Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of skittles? NO? WELL I GUESS IT WORKS!

All the guys in highschool band would call me a girl whenever my stomach would hurt after playing an instrument too long.

  • Why'd it hurt your stomach? Minstrel Cramps.

I brought a girl over once and her name is Jessica. My father has a pretty severe case of tinnitus where he hears about 5-6 different tones at any given time. She announced her name and he thought it was Melissa for a few minutes. Eventually she corrected him.

He stared at her blankly for a moment and then asked, "Why'd you change your name Melissa? I think Melissa is a much nicer name."

Goddamnitdadwhyyoudothistome.

These are only a few. I practice very hard every day with my friends to become as punny and corny as a father should be with jokes. Someday I'll make him proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CptSmackThat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
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Cheat sheet for Dads on Halloween

What is a Vampire favorite fruit?

  • Neckterines

What kind of dogs do Vampires like best?

  • Blood hounds

How does a ghost cry?

  • Boo Hoo

What does a skeleton always say before he eats?

  • Bone Appetite

What kind of key should you always take to a haunted house?

  • Skeleton Key

Why do Vampires need mouthwash?

  • Because they have bat breath

What kinds of street do Zombies like?

  • Dead ends.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

  • Frost Bite

What did the black cat call the mouse on roller skates?

  • Meals on wheels

What does a vampire never at a restaurant?

  • A stake sandwich

What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?

  • It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the witch stand in front of the podium?

  • To give a Screech

What does a ghosts have for dessert?

  • I-Scream

What is a skeletons favorite instrument?

  • A trombone

What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?

  • A Lab

Be honest, how many did you get? What is your dad score?

EDIT: can't get spoiler tags to work...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gnolaum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
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Dad joke made during a band performance.

My band had a performance yesterday. We have three saxophone players. One of plays only Alto saxophone, one of them alternates between playing Alto, Tenor and Baritone saxophone and the last plays both Tenor and Baritone saxophone.

The second two kept swapping each other's instruments or one of the other saxophones they had in the background. So at one point we had to wait for them to change while the rest of us were all ready to start playing the next song.

So, trying to make it less awkward for the audience I turn to them and I says 'I'm sorry, they're just playing ... Musical Instruments'

There was a collective groan/laugh from the audience and the drummer went ba-dum-tish And the trumpeter gave me a little wah wah wah waaaaaaaaaaaah

I'm still giggling about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gonnnondorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
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He's not a dad but I'm pretty sure I got dadjoked at rehearsal this evening.

I lead the worship team at church and I'm the only one with a key to the instrument room. I went to get the key and when I came back, my keyboardist was banging his head on the door over and over.

I said, "were you just gonna try breaking it down like that? I do have a key."

He replied, "well, I thought I was making good headway."

He may have a head injury. Also, he's in his fifties.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lady_S_87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2014
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Musical Instruments Galore

My father was quite the musician.

His favorite instrument was the saxophone.

Growing up, I’d hear him practice on it every night after work for hours upon hours.

One night, I heard an awful SCREECH and my Dad howled in pain.

"Dad, are you alright?!?"

"Don’t worry, son, it’s just a saxident."

knowdadjokes.tumblr.com

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/knowdadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
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What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2021
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What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
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What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.
πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hgbleackley
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2015
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What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?

A tuba toothpaste.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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What instrument can you find in the bathroom?

A tuba....

(Wait for it) ... .... ... ... ... ... ..., Toothpaste

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsArman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2016
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Dad at the hospital

Dad hurt his wrist and had to go to the hospital where he talked to a doctor. Dad: When this heals will I be able to play the piano? Doctor: Yes, You'll be fine in a few days. Dad: Perfect, I've always wanted to be able to play an instrument.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meelak007
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
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