The Hot Potato Puns

One’s a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham.

A relationCHIP.

GET IT?!

When he gets inside he sees a man slicing down potatoes and putting them in hot oil. The traveler approaches him and says "You must be the Friar."

"Actually" says the man, "I'm the Chip Monk"

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

• Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
• It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
• What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
• Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
• Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
• Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
• If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
• Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
• Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
• American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
• The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
• Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
• Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
• Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
• Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
• Rittal me this, Batman!
• Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
• Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
• If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
• When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
• You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
• Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
• Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
• Don't think Seton is

So we're having a BBQ at the park, grilling hot dogs and stuff and my brother brought potato salad for everyone, but only brought one plastic fork.

His wife asks if she can share it with him, and he says; "Nope, I am going to burn it as soon as I use it so there's no favoritism."

I say to him; "Why burn it? Why not just throw it out in the street?"

"Huh? Why would I do that?" he says.

"Because bro, that's how you get the fork in the road."

Groans and laughter were had by all. I was extremely proud of myself.

She asked why I was microwaving the sweet potatoes instead of putting them in the oven and I told her that the turkey was in there, and I still needed to use the oven for the dressing, the veggies, and then the pie.

"Wow, there's a long waiting list for the oven!" she exclaimed.

I replied, "Yep, guess you could say it's the hot place to be tonight."

Context: My dad is not exactly what you would call skinny...

Dad: Do you want a hand moving them (the massive pot of potatoes that had been on the boil)

Mum: I should be okay

Dad: Are you sure? They're hot and heavy. Just like me!

Dad proceeded to make this face: http://i.imgur.com/UT69wID.gif