True story: So we were out today and sat at a table for some food. My 4yo asked what the holes and and notches were in the wood and my wife says β€œthey are knot holes”.

Miss4 says β€œif they are not holes, what are they?”

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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My wife is going through a tropical food craze. There are fruits all over the house!

It's enough to make a mango crazy!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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wife came back from the store with a bunch of my least favorite foods...

a bunch of grosseries

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tsetterdahl
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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My wife always orders her Indian food with the highest level of spiciness.

She’s very curry-ageous.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobskimo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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My wife always thinks adding more herbs makes the food taste better.

She makes the same mistake; thyme and thyme again.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YottaDren
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
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I took my wife to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you, but she wasn't very happy.

I told her next time she can pick the restaurant, if she really hated Subway that much.

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JTxyz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
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Wife: Do you like the food I made? Me: Yes. Wife: You can always give me feedback...

Me: (In high pitch voice) EEeeeeeeOOoooooooo!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seventhlaw
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
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Mozart’s wife made him go back to the grocery store to buy the food she had wanted.

He really should have remembered to bring the Chopin Liszt.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/willyj_3
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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My wife and I were watching Bizarre Foods when she saw the section on Beignets.

I said ... β€œwouldn’t they be called have-yeys?” She said, β€œno. Been-yeys.” I said, β€œbut if they are fresh, wouldn’t they be Have-yeys, and if they were old they would be β€œbeen-yeys?”

She just groaned and said my dad jokes were getting worse.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tuningislife
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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My wife just told me that you can strain curdled milk, then use the resulting liquid as a food additive! I was like, "no way!"

She said, "whey!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2017
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My wife always asks why I take food from the fridge and hide it

"It's the bread and butter of pranks!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KayP9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2018
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A dad asked his wife what sort of food would be available at the venue the family was visiting.

She said, "Fries and shit."

"So... poo-tine?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/P4rtyP3nguin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2018
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When food shopping, my wife always makes me pay for the egg whites...

...but the yolk's on her.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kielm
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
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I work at a grocery store and a guy came through my line with his wife. He forgot to put his sweet potatoes on the belt and I make a crack about him stealing food. His wife then said,

"Ya know, if they put out a warrant for your arrest for stealing those potatoes you would be on the yam."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMortar93
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2016
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A real life dad joke.

My wife was dishing out food. She put some salad on a plate and handed it to my daughter.

Then my wife looked at me and said, "Cesar Salad?"

I immediately grabbed my daughter's plate and pulled it out of her hands. My daughter got confused (maybe wondering if she did something wrong?). My wife asks me, "What the hell are you doing???"

I responded, "Sorry. Could have sworn you just said seize her salad."

πŸ‘︎ 414
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamundan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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Curry

I had an idea to start an Indian fast food restaurant. I’d call it β€œHurry with the Curry”.

Unfortunately, my wife said it was a naan-starter.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/black_-_coffee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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A man and a women order a McDonalds

The man orders a Big Mac and a large fries. His wife orders a single cheeseburger. When the woman finishes her burger she glances at her husband. He has finished his burger and is moving onto the fries.

Still hungry, she looks at the fries and asks, 'Do you mind if I have a couple?'

He sighs and says, 'I suppose so,'

So she reaches over and takes a handful. The husband turns to her and asks, 'Is that a German couple?'

Confused, she responds, 'What is a German couple?'

He says, 'nein' as he slides his food out of her reach.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joe4nna
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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Dad joked by my toddler....a proud day

Wife made asian food for dinner last night, Tofu/Rice/Veggies/Chicken Wontons.

Toddler is killing the wontons and we teach him how to say "wonton" so he can ask for more correctly.

As he's stuffing another piece into his mouth I ask him "hey bubba, do you like wontons?"

To which my son replies, "No..like twotons"

My son's first joke and it's a dad joke...i'm just so proud lol....

πŸ‘︎ 238
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaheiner
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

πŸ‘︎ 53
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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Wife thinks I am nuts!

So my daughter is in Girl Scouts. Everybody knows that the Girl Scouts sell cookies, but they also sell chocolates, nuts, and other snack food. Since we have only one car and a large garage we usually volunteer as a cupboard. Basically we get a few pallets of stuff and the area troops pick up from our place.

Me: [stopping mid pulling into the garage] What is that?!

Wife: [concerned] What is it?

Me: [shaking my head] That is nuts!

Wife: [eyes roll] Really?

Me: [laughing uncontrollably]

My son didn’t laugh either.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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My Waitress Tonight Told I Had To Post This

Scene: Dinner for my mom's birthday at a very nice (expensive) restaurant.

Waitress: Your steak comes with a choice of the vegetable of the day or a twice baked potato.

Me: Are twice baked potatoes and refried beans prepared similar ways or is that just a naming coincidence?

W: Laughing Oh my God. Our bartender and I were just talking about funny "dad jokes" on reddit! I didn't expect to hear one in person. Do you use reddit?

M: Umm... Yeah... I actually follow r/dadjokes but I'm not a dad and

W: You should post that joke there!

I have no idea if she will see this but my wife said I had to let everyone know about a redditor interaction. I hope she does because the food was awesome and she was a fantastic waitress beyond being a fellow redditor.

I still have no idea if twice baked potatoes and refried beans have any link...

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine

when he saw two pathetic-looking men by the side of the road, eating grass. He ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate. He asked the men, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have no money for food," the first man replied.

"Then you must come with me to my house," insisted the lawyer.

"But, sir, I got a wife and three kids here," said the man.

"Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

The second man exclaimed, "I got a wife and six kids!"

"Bring them as well!", the lawyer proclaimed as he headed back to his limo.

They all climbed into the car, and once underway, one of the men expresses, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "I'm most happy to do it. You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kachow--
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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My wife doesn't even actually groan anymore

We had Indian food for dinner:

Wife: Do you want the last naan?

Me: But then there would be naan left for you.

Wife: Groan... (she actually said the word groan) Are you ever going to get sick of that joke?

Me: I thought it would have groan on you by now.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaltimoreBirdGuy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2014
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Dad joked my wife. She got me back.

Driving to the store with my wife, we had this conversation.

Her: "We just have to get milk, eggs, and some other staple foods."

Me: "Maybe that's why your stomach is always hurting..."

Her: "What do you mean?"

Me: "Because you eat staples!"

Her: "Yeah, gotta keep my shit together somehow."

πŸ‘︎ 670
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πŸ‘€︎ u/desearcher
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
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A Family Member of Mine Died

As we were planning the post-funeral reception, my little bro asked β€œis there a sad food?”

I said, β€œBreakfast..... because you eat it in the mourning”

Ps my wife is pregnant with my first child!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foghorn-j-leghorn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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My first dad joke as a new father!

I was with my wife in the hospital after the birth of my first child.

Wife: It's crazy how she knows to suck on my boobies for food.

Me: Of course she knows. She wasn't born yesterday!

She shook her head and stopped talking to me. I have succeeded.

πŸ‘︎ 421
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CleanFlow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2016
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Nihilist Dad Jokes

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. β€œWHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothingβ€”just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vorschlaghammer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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I once drew a Venn Diagram to explain my use of puns to my wife

We had been cooking dinner, and my wife commented (after one too many comments about 'Gouda being gooda and Feta being Betta') that it seemed like most of my puns tend to be food puns.

So I drew her a diagram. I started with a huge circle to represent all of my puns. Inside that I drew a large circle filling about 90% of it.

"Those are my food puns."

I then drew another circle, this one about half the size of the food circle, with almost all of it inside the food circle.

"And these are my cheese puns."

My wife immediately called me out, pointing at the sliver that was outside of the food circle.

"Shouldn't this be fully inside the other circle?"

"No," I say, "Those puns are rare, but they tend to be cheesiest."

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xahhfink6
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2018
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Got my wife with this one this morning:

I was making food, beating an egg with a fork and the missus said

"Add salt in the egg"

So I replied

"I'm already assaulting the egg"

My wife let out an audible groan and left me chuckling in the kitchen.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Svengelska1990
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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Dadjoked my mother-in-law today...

My young daughter is still learning to microwave food. She attempted to reheat some of her food last night, but left the fork in the bowl. The wife caught it and pointed out that it could cause the microwave to explode and potentially hit grandma who was sitting with her back to the microwave.

Wife (to daughter): "You wouldn't want Grandmom to get hit by glass shrapnel and a fork would you?"

Me (interjecting): "Well, at least then I would have a reason to say your Mom is really forked in the head."

The MIL nearly choked on her food, but laughed and could appreciate the joke. She know she cray cray.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickShaw530
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2017
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My toddler was playing with her food at the dinner table...

She's not quite a year old, and clearly wasn't hungry anymore and was just playing with her food, including testing gravity, and just making a mess in general.

Then she started rubbing some on her face, and my wife says "Honey, stop putting the meat in your eye!"

I immediately respond "Well, it's more than meats the eye!"

Pretty sure she eyerolled so hard I could her her eyes falling out.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Castun
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2018
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At dinner, I started eating my food with my hands...

Wife: ewww...use a fork. That's disgusting!

Me: I'm sure the food will taste as good as it did before-hand.

πŸ‘︎ 120
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesTyree
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2016
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Flying food

My wife doesn't like it when I bring food on a flight, as she thinks it's rude to the people around us. So I grabbed a single donut for our last flight, and when she reminded me that she felt it was inappropriate, I simply pointed out that this is what it was made for. After all, "it's a plane donut."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoorKidstoys
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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I made a Venn Diagram to explain my pun usage...

So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.

The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.

Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg

My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.

I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xahhfink6
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
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I told this one a while back..

My wife and I were eating mexican food. She had tacos but they were pretty messy. She bit into one and all of the fixings fell out onto the other tacos, cracking them apart. She says, "Aww man, my tacos broke." My response: "Well, I guess it's Nacho time!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dfiggsmeister
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
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Dadjoked by my daughter at lunch today

So we were at the mall today, grabbed lunch in the food court. My wife had gotten a soda with her lunch, when her phone went off to remind her to drink a glass of water (she has it set to go off like 4 times a day). Remembering that she had milk at breakfast, I commented to my daughter, 'Man, Mommy is drinking everything BUT water today isn't she?'

'Daddy, butt water sounds DISGUSTING.'

Sigh.

πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fgame
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
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A moment ago in our kitchen...

My wife was just babywearing our 11-week-old while she cooked dinner. As she did so, she was having a conversation both with our daughter and all the utensils.

"See, all the food in the pan is going sizzle sizzle sizzle! And we use Mr. Spatula to move it around. Say hi to Mr. Spatula! And then once it's done, we're going to put into Mr. Strainer. Can you say hi to Mr. Strainer?"

"Hey!", I interjected, "Absolutely not! Don't you go teaching her to talk to strainers!"

πŸ‘︎ 173
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HalBriston
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2014
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One-upped by my son

I was being my usual dad witty self today when my wife and I were talking about how much food we had grilled this weekend for meals for the week. I told my wife that she was just using me for my grill.

Without skipping a beat, my son said, "she's a grill digger."

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobogato
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2017
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My wife is on a tropical food diet and now the house is full of this stuff.

That's enough to make a mango crazy.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joe_dsr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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