The Dump Puns

He wanted to take his shit to the next level.

Don’t you mean a “Fur-rari”?

It was a murder most fowl!

That shit was in tents.

“I shit, you knot.”

Trash talk

My wife: Really?

Me: Yes. Litter Alley.

http://i.imgur.com/xIDdjMX.jpg

he replied "Drop what you're doing and call me"

He lost interest.

“Hey, I peed in the sink”

Beginning of a Slippery Slope argument.

I don’t know what to make of it.

He wiped his butt.

Seems like their relationship isn't gonna workout

... I was often down in the dumps.

to the dump-dity-dump-dity-dump-dump-dump

No one respects the panfish sink decision...

It’s now classified as an in-continent

The Chinese chef maliciously dumped a hot broth with dumplings on an obnoxious customer. It was a wanton soup attack....

Their PR team is in a sticky situation.

Bae leaves

It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.

Truly, brewed tea was in the eye of the bee-holder.

This week’s dumb joke:

My wife and I were out for a walk, and we walked through a cool patch of air right by a field.

“It’s weird how it’s always cooler right there,” she said.

“Yeah,” I said, “I guess it’s because the sun never shines here. I wonder if they get a lot of dumping in this field?”

“Huh? Why?”

A beat.

Two beats.

“Isn’t this where they stick everything?” I deadpanned.

She laughed. You don’t have to.

He wiped his butt! (My dad told me this)

It was an add hominy attack.

I responded with "It must have been that darn rubber bandit again!" That was my first really quick dad joker that I actually got complimented on!

Art.

Two guys with no arms and no legs and hangs on your wall? Curt n Rod.

No arms and no legs in a bathtub? Dwayne.

No arms and no legs at your front door? Mat

No arms and no legs and playing in the leaves? Russell

At the city dump? Phil

So I asked "Why so down in the dumps?"

David Bowie: "You look a bit down in the dumps, Bing. What's wrong?"

Bing Crosby: "my inflatable arsehole needs blown up."

Bowie: "Do you want to borrow my rubber bum pump?"

Bing: "Rubber bum pump?"

Bowie: "Rubber bum pump."

but lately I've been down in the dumps.

Jeff went to his local train station and begged for the job. He got a job, as a janitor. Every day he swept the train car floors. To make his job easier, he added certain style to his sweeping technique. He used a 3 level system for how powerful he wanted to sweep. He had a small sweep for small piles of dust. Medium sweeps for leftover chip bags and plactic bottles. And the Super Mega Large sweeps for when there were spider webs as big as the train.

Jeff was a master sweeper, so he got Promoted!.. To hobo kicking. Nowadays he comes to the train station early in the morning, finds the nearest hobo, and kicks him out. However, Jeff's legs hurt after several strong kicks, so he used his 3 level system in hobo kicking. He had a small kick for tiny, bite sized hobos. Medium kicks for your average sized hobo. And his Super Mega Powerful kick for 300 pound hobos.

Jeff was sooooo good at kicking hobos and he was Promoted!.. to coal shoveling. Jeff arrives 20 minutes before his train departure, loads up with the conductor, and shovels coal. likewise with his legs, Jeff's arms got tired after several large piles of shoveled coal, so he used his 3 level system to rest Jeff's weak arms. Jeff dumps small piles of coal in the incinerator to send the train at a slow pace. He dumps a Medium pile for a somewhat fast pace. But when the train station's 30 miles away and he's scheduled to arrive in 7 minutes, Jeff uses his Big Gargantuan Humongous shoveling strength to send the train at super sonic speed!

After all of Jeff's many years of working for this train station, they finally promote him to Train Conductor! Jeff shows up to work 30 minutes early on his first day, conducts the train for his first time ever, and crashes the train. He injures 30 and kills 13 more. Jeff is sentenced to Death.

The day of Jeff's execution, he's asked for his last meal. Jeff tells the guard that he wants a 13 foot stack of pancakes and a 40 ounce jug of green Kool-Aid. Jeff takes exactly 34 minutes to eat with it all. 26 Mintues later, Jeff is taken to the electric chair.

Jeff sits down in the electric chair, and is strapped in by a nearby guard. After all the safety precautions, they turn on the electric chair.

BZZZZZZ

Nothin happened. The guard is confused and Jeff is confused. The guard trys it again.

BZZZZZZ

Nothing. Jeff doesn't even move a muscle. The guard decides to let Jeff go since he can't kill him. Before Jeff leaves, the guard has one question.

Guard : "Excuse me um, J

Friend 1 just moved out of his parents house and Friend 2 just came back from the military.

Friend 2: We need to clean up this dump!

Friend 1: This place was cleaned yesterday!

Friend 2: If you want things done right, you have to do it yourself; I'll do the cleaning on the odd numbered days, you do the cleaning on the even ones.

Friend 1: We're going to clean everyday!?

Friend 2: No, just the odd and even ones!

My daughter asked me to open a bottle of water for her to drink and I did. She took one sip, then started dumping the water onto the floor.

I quickly grabbed the bottle and said, "Hey! That's bad!"

She looked at me and said, "No, it's water."

At work, there was a metal catering tray filled to the brim with cold water sittin' around for no reason so I asked the receptionist/coworker, who has said repeatedly that she just can't stand me, if I should dump it. She looked at me, smiled and said "If you can." I responded "without spilling it?" In a 'of course I'm not going to spill but dont rule it out' way. She said "Yes." Silently giving me good luck. Fortunately, I done did the deed and no brand new flooring was harmed. I then proceeded to google water jokes. After that, I walked up to her desk, glanced into her soul for the slightest moment while greeting, "Hey Sarah" , then I swiftly looked downwards as she asked, "Yeah?" I THEN told her this, "I don't know about you but unlike that cold water I just dumped". I pause, regain eye contact and finished with, "boiling water will be mist."

...he orders a drink. The bartender makes the drink, and gives it to him. The man is upset. "This drink is too warm!" He exclaims.

The bartender takes his drink back, adds an ice cube, and hands it to the Man. The man is unhappy with this. "this drink is still too warm!"

The bartender takes the drink back, and adds more ice cubes. Once again, he hands it to the Man. The man is irate. "This drink is STILL too warm!!!"

The bartender is now annoyed. He takes the man's drink, dumps it out, and serves him a glass of ice. The man is left speechless.

Finally, just ice was served

I saw the hump take a dump in a clump

G: I’m going to the bathroom

B: Fine...

G: Hey! There’s a turd in the toilet in the shape of the letter U

B: Don’t you understand?

G: Hmm?

B: I dumped you

The bartender says, “I’m glad you dumped your friend. He’s mean.”

Every time she does my dad dumps a bunch on the table and says "oh no I've peed on the table!"

Three guys are in line waiting to get into heaven. Before they're allowed in St.Peter asks each of them how they died.

He asks the first man, and he says "I suspected my wife had been cheating on me, so I came home from work early on purpose to catch her. When I got back to the apartment I found her lying naked in bed like she's just had sex. So I looked under the bed there was no one there, I checked the closet, no one there. I go out and check the balcony and there's some guy hanging from the railing, I was so angry I beat his hands until he fell, I then ran back into the apartment, grabbed the refrigerator and threw it over the balcony and it landed right on top of him. Then I was so mad and angry I had a heart attack and now i'm here"

St.Peter says to him" Sounds like you had it rough, I'll let you in.

The second man steps up and gets asked the same question

So this man says "I was in my apartment when I slipped over the railing, I was able to grab onto the railing of the apartment below me, then this guy starts pounding on my fists until I fall. Then he goes and dumps a refrigerator on me and that's how I wound up here"

St.Peter lets this guy in too because he has also had it rough.

The the third guy steps up and is asked the question.

This guy replied "Okay, so I'm banging this married chick when the husband comes home early.

So i go and hide in the refrigerator"...

She quit after she got down in the dumps.

We were walking from the library and I had a travel coffee mug but the little bit of coffee left had gone cold. I dumped the remainder in the grass so I could put it in my backpack.

GF: "Don't dump your coffee in the grass!!"

Me: "It's okay, it's ground coffee" The look on her face...

They said the place was a dump.

We're in bed, and her 2 cats are jumping all over everything in her room. Typical cat things.

Her: (sarcastically) "I should just dump them outside on the sidewalk."

Me: "Wouldn't that be KITTY LITTER??"

Her: (groans)

We have a one year old son who is learning to use a cup. Tonight he was on the porch, "drinking" some water wearing a new and adorable little Nike outfit. The shirt got soaked so I took it off and let him continue to "drink" from his cup. Well of course he eventually dumped it on the floor.

So Dad is sitting there and he tells me to "just wipe it up with the shirt".

I say "NO WAY! I'm not using this brand new Nike shirt to clean the floor!"

Dad responds with "Just Do it™…"

...and looked at me with a face like it was the most clever hysterical thing that has ever been uttered in human history.

Me and this poor kid have a long road ahead of us...

The scene where Max is grabbed by the Pole Cat,

http://cdn.collider.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/mad-max-fury-road-image-the-war-rig.jpg

and ends up getting dumped onto the car with the drums and guitar guy

http://i.guim.co.uk/static/w-620/h--/q-95/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/pictures/2015/3/31/1427821675682/5e25da37-61d7-44fd-a9a3-b2f5b8b5a791-620x372.jpeg

I leaned over to my GF and said "It looks like he's jumped onto... the bandwagon" She totally lost it :)

Did you hear the one about the cannibal who dumped his girlfriend?

Think about it. Dad told me that one a few minutes ago.

To-the-dump, to-the-dump, to-the-dump-dump-dump...

My dad: "Why does your brother always take so long in the toilet?"

Me:"Because he sits on his phone while he takes a dump."

My dad: "Well that can't be very comfortable."

i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.

him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.

me: that bad in the relationship, eh?

him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-

me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-

him: hey, wanna see my jugs?

me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"

"You go to the mall - that's one. The second method is you drop off a load of donations at Salvation Army. Third: you're picked up by a backhoe and transported to a pool of radioactive material in the middle of the garbage dump and your jeans are magically transferred off of you as you disintegrate. And the fourth? By policemen carrying out a court order in a maximum security prison."

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!

Dad just dropped this one on the fly while watching the Movie. Cue an entire family's groans...

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip
to Rome with her husband..

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: " Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.
You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's going to be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.
The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot..
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.
They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

scroll down.....

He said: "Who fucked up your hair?"

One night when we were sitting around the table eating dinner my brother was showing off his beard talking about how he was doing "No Shave November". My Dad gets up, gets another beer, sits down and just goes, "What's next? No Dump December?" He was sitting there chuckling so hard to himself he couldn't eat another bite.

As my dad rolls up to take me to lunch I text him "hold on, nature calls" as I walked to take a dump. 2 minutes later I get "I think you're the one that needs to hold on, just remember to let go."

Significant other recently dumped me to heal some personal life issues alone. Call the family and explain the situation, tell them that bf was sadly a recovering drug addict.

Go home to enjoy a mom daughter weekend. Bad dad joke ensues.

Dad calls: What are you and your mom up to today? Me: We just finished a manicure pedicure session. Dad: I thought you just got rid of one of those? Me: ...what?.. Dad: A man-to-cure. Me: .....Face palm. Okay dad... That was pretty good.

Me: What are you guys going to do when we get back Friend 1: Take a huge dump. Friend 2: Have a massive piss. Friend 3: I'll get out of the car.

He was just finishing eating some of his mom's leftover birthday cake and his dad asked, ”do you want some milk to wash that cake down?”

”sure”

Dad hand him a cup of milk which he promptly dumps onto his plate and starts scrubbing.

Another one: my brother had just finished unloading the dishwasher and his son starts clappingmand says, ”good job daddy, I'm so proud of you, you unloaded the dish washer all by yourself!”

My brother accused me of reading Calvin and Hobbes to him on the sly when he told his son it was bath time and he started licking himself and said, "I'll just lick myself, that's what tigers do."

Dad: Where was Tonto heading with all the black garbage bags? Me: Where? Dad: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump-dump-dump!

Me: Are you done with your cereal? Her: Yeah, you can toss it Me: (dumping it in the sink) looks like your life is going down the drain...

I was loading up some gravel into wheel barrows to be dumped in the back yard. My neighbor rolls up in his baby blue Nissan Leaf and gets out. He takes one look at me and says "Your rockin' out."

He wiped his butt.

He wiped.

He wiped his ass

He wiped his butt.

Wiped his ass

In the dump, in the dump, in the dump dump dump, in the dump in the dump in the dump dump dump...

She wiped

...

Wiped his ass.

Wipe

The title is the joke :)

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump.

To the dump, to the dump, to the dump, dump, dump.

He quit once he got down in the dumps.