A list of puns related to "The Dog House"
"This is not cool..."
"that about sums it-up"
I guess it's true: time's fun when you're having flies!
Roof, roof.
Apparently he had unpaid barking tickets.
He just looked at me like he had no clue what I said.
I looked right at her and said Urine trouble.
The woof! (pronounced like roof. No not exactly pronounced like roof but you know what I mean)
The roof.
think about that. your dog is the mafia now
They kept peeing on the Bushes and chasing the Quayles.
The Shih-tzu-ation
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."
The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.
The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"
The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.
The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"
The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.
The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"
The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"
The dogs allowed to walk naked around the house
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "'Cause he's fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
One day a loving husband and father of 2 sons comes home, one of the sons asks him to come upstairs, so he comes upstairs and his son saysβdad, im gayβ the father, surprised says βwell, okay, i still support you sonβ.
The next day the father comes home to his other son asking him to come upstairs, he goes and the son also comes out as gay, the loving father says βboth you and your brother, i wont have any kids, but, i still support youβ........ ........ ........ ........ ........ ........
The father then walks down stairs to go and play with the family dog(male) and finds him in the backyard humping the neighbors(also male) dog. The father walks back into the house and exclaims
βDoes anyone in this house like womenβ.
His wife taps him on the sholder
I saw a shaggy dog on here maybe a month ago. It was about a couple kids in a haunted house. If anyone could put me in the right direction that would be much appreciated
He took the phone, and said, in the voice of Freddie Mercury, "Is this the wi-fi? Is this just fantasy?...Caught in a landline, we don't need AT&T.." and then passed the phone back. We already have AT&T, and I WAS ON THE PHONE WITH A FRIEND THAT DOES ACCOUNTING?, NOTHING TO DO WITH SOMEONE CALLING OUR HOUSE. No more Crockpot broccoli and cheese soup using weed butter for him. Good god... I'm almost impressed. We also haven't had a landline in years. God bless this small dog weilding, vaping man.
Carl had this calling card of his. When he was nearly done burgling a house, he would put a brick inside the victim's washing machine, and switch it on. The washing machine would destroy itself, and the owners would know that the perpetrator could only be Carl.
Carl's number eventually came up, when he burgled a house with three savage guard dogs. They put an end to his burglary career.
I guess you could say, washing machines live longer with Carl gone.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I donβt think theyβll fit me.
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but donβt turn it on.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
βEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, βThe good news is..itβll feel better when it quits hurting.'β
Whatβs brown and sticky? A stick.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
βIβll call you later!β- βPlease donβt do that. Iβve always asked you to call me Dad!β
Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
βMy dad literally told me this one last week: βDid you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.ββ
βWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, βNo, just leave it in the carton!ββ
I got so angry the other day when I couldnβt find my stress ball.
If I had a dime for every book Iβve ever read, Iβd say: βWow, thatβs coincidental.β
Iβm not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
How does a penguin build itβs house? Igloos it together.
βMe: βDad, make me a sandwich!β Dad: βPoof, Youβre a sandwich!ββ
βI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
βHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? Theyβre all girls, otherwise theyβd be uncles.β
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth β its pasteurized before you even see it
βWhatβs Forrest Gumpβs password? 1forrest1β
The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: βDonβt worry; this is a piece of cake.β I said: βNo, itβs a math problem.β
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I donβt play soccer because I enjoy the sport. Iβm just doing it for kicks.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
... keep reading on reddit β‘So I hear my niece running around in our house and also a dog running around with her and was immediately confused wondering why she and a dog were just running up and down the hallway. Then I went to see what was happening and she was playing fetch with the dog. So I asked my mom, "then why was she running? Is she simply so stupid that she throws a thing and tries to fetch it herself because for a second there she forgot whether she was the dog or the person?" To which my mom replied, "it wouldn't be farfetched. ( Ν‘Β° ΝΚ Ν‘Β°) " ( Ν‘Β° ΝΚ Ν‘Β°)
when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.
One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.
Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on
... keep reading on reddit β‘So my 5 year old son always asks what Iβm watching or playing (video games) and most of the time sits and watches for a while.
I had been binge watching The Office, so of course he would overhear most of the jokes. One day we were over our friends house who has a daughter my sons age. We sit down to eat some burgers and hot dogs, and out of nowhere my son belts out βDONβT DROP THE SOAP!β.
We all died laughing.
He shall be a good dad someday.
The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.
Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!
Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.
How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.
Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasnβt chicken!
What musical is about a train conductor? βMy Fare, Ladyβ.
A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
What animals are on legal documents? Seals!
Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!
Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.
Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!
Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Dockyard: A physicianβs garden.
What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!
The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.
βWhatβs purple and 5000 miles long?β βOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!β
Every calendarβs days are numbered.
This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. βFour bucks,β says the bartender. βPut it on my bill.β
I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When heβs a dandelion (dandy lion).
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.
A bicycle canβt stand on its own because it is
... keep reading on reddit β‘A dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.
He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
By the way he does not need to pay for medical insurance.
He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.......
..
..
..
..
A dog is like a βPOLITICIANβ
Why couldnβt the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
For Halloween Iβm going to write βLifeβ on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween, the only Candy Iβm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
βHalloweenβ = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Iβll be your trick if youβll be my treat.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day
Whatβs a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A βhollow-weenie!β
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).
How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.
Iβm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always doβ¦ by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,
Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, βA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?β The other monster replied, βBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.
The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something youβre not will lead to a sweet reward.
I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, itβs Election night.
I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so Iβm dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.
Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.
What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!
What do Italianβs eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)
Why canβt the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.
What do goblins and ghosts drink when theyβre hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!
What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope itβs Halloween!!
What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.
So, as the title says, a new dad moved in next door with his young wife and infant son.
All the houses in the neighborhood are fairly modest and perfect for new families and first time homebuyers, so we get a lot of those.
As they were unloading, I decided to do the neighborly thing and quickly introduce myself without getting too much in their way.
While we were chatting, his wife comes out with the LARGEST great dane Iβve ever seen.
The shock on my face mustβve been obvious because he quickly explained, with a bit of an annoyed tone, βYea, thatβs my wifeβs dog. I still have my childhood cat, but now this is my biggest pet, Peeve.β
βCome say hello, Peeve!β
So my wife and I are house/petsitting for some friends of ours. They have two cats, and a ten month old German Shepard. Being ten months old, the puppy is still a little rowdy. Tonite, after we took him for a walk, we let him kind of hang out in the house.
He still wanted to play, and jammed his elephant toy in my wife's face as she sat on the couch crocheting. She pulled back and he jammed it into her chest, then released and bit down to get a better grip on the toy.
In doing so he just clipped my wife's ahem nipple. She immediately pushed the dog away and grabbed the affected area. I stood up to help, somehow, and asked her if she was okay.
She looked me straight in the eye and said "Yeah, it's just a little nip." I couldn't be more proud.
I was sitting in my room playing with my dog, his name is Buster. My dog was being hyper while getting used to his new home.
My dad walks in and starts telling me about when he was my age and got a new dog.
( Insert sad music from the world's smallest violin here )
Dad: "When I was your age, my dad got me a pooch. His name was Rocket. I got him when he was around 4 years old, so he was pretty big. One day, I was working on my dad's truck and had a bucket of old gas sitting next to me. Rocket was outside playing around, being himself and came up to me. I slid back under the truck and heard some gulping sounds. I look over and see Rocket drinking big gulps of the gasoline. I screamed at him," Rocket No! You don't drink that!" Then he backed up, stumbling. I felt my heart sink to my stomach, I knew something was wrong with him. He took off running around the house. He ran around the house 2-3 times. Then he just fell over.."
Me: "Dead!?"
Dad: "Nah, he just ran out of gas."
Fuck off, Dad.
Nephew was dressed as a hot dog for Halloween.
Me: Go ahead to the next house we will catch up Nephew (looking dejected): I don't have any ketchup.
So I'm just going to begin this story with myself coming home from school after a long day. My sister after doing everything around the house asked me if I could walk the dog. "Yeah sure! No problem." No problem. So I plug in my headphones and leave to take her for a walk. So I left the house and within 5 minutes my dog had sat down and refused to move until at least 10 people had passed for no real reason. She then proceeded to rear up on her hind legs and drop possibly the biggest crap pattie I had ever seen come out of this dog. Luckily for a change I have bags so no biggie, I pull one out, bend over and suddenly my music gets slightly quieter. Now, after a long day of studying and tests and whatnot I didn't really notice what had happened until I went to stand up and felt the slightest resistance in the cord, I look down only to see my earbud covered in dog crap. I had no choice but to un plug my headphones and abandon them like a wounded soldier in battle. Of corse I come home to see my dad and my sister sitting on the couch talking about their day only to see me walk in looking a bit angry. "Hey what's up with you?" My Sister asks, "Like why do you look so grumpy?" In my mood after this irritating mishap I can only grumble "I dropped my headphones in her turd" I reply, only for my dad to retort with "Hey, how about you stop listening to shitty music for a change!"
I hope you enjoyed the story of my struggle, he said this and all I could think of was posting this.
We have a dog.
He does his business in a pen.
This pen needs to be cleaned out often because this dog is slightly touched in the head and has a habit of stepping in his own feces.
On the regular.
So... it's been getting dark out before I get home and I haven't had a chance to stay on top of the task.
Last night I grab a very small flashlight and go out to the pen to do a quick poop pickup.
2 minutes later I came back in the house, slammed the flashlight on the table and proclaimed to the rest of my family "I CAN'T SEE SHIT WITH THIS LIGHT"
dadjokes are all the better when you are the only one laughing.
I'm a dad and I like telling it, so I guess that's qualification enough. I heard this joke about 26 years ago, and I still laugh at it. Slightly long, so don't hate me.
A guy that lives alone decided that he wanted to get a pet. He went to a pet store in his city to see what was available. The man tells the associate at the store that he wants a pet, but he doesn't want an "ordinary" pet like a cat or dog, he wants something unique. The associate asks the man if he by chance has a swimming pool at his house, and the man replies that he indeed does have a pool. The associate says, "Great! I've got just the pet for you. Actually it is two pets -- two beautiful porpoises. And these aren't ordinary porpoises, either. They will never die, but there is one small catch. To keep them alive, once a year at noon on July 1, you have to feed each one of them an immature sea gull, before the birds have learned to fly." The associate tells the man that he shouldn't worry about the annual feeding, though, because the associate will always make sure he has two birds available for the man every year on July 1.
The man buys the pets, fills his swimming pool with salt water, and really enjoys the companionship of the porpoises throughout the year. On June 30, the man calls the pet store to make sure the two birds are available, and sure enough they are. The next day, he goes to the pet store at 10 a.m. to purchase the birds, and while he is inside the store he hears a lot of commotion coming from just outside the store. He goes to the front of the store to see what's going on outside, and he finds that there is a huge, ferocious lion trying to get into the store through the front door. Luckily, the door swings outward from the store, so the lion can't get it open. The police call the store associate to tell him what has happened. The main attraction (the lion) from the state zoo just up the road from the store had escaped, and the lion could sense all the small animals that were inside the pet store, so he was trying to get into the store to eat them. The police are waiting for the zoo's lion tamer to show up and get the animal back into captivity.
Meanwhile, the man who was at the store to buy the birds to feed to his pets was getting really anxious. He was trapped inside the store, there was no other exit, and the time was quickly approaching noon. The associate reminded the man that he absolutely had to feed his pets at precisely noon, otherwise th
... keep reading on reddit β‘I'm over at my bff's house for game night. Her dogs have been playing with a chew toy shaped like a carrot that has little treats in it. I go and sit on the couch, where the carrot happens to be.
Me: "Ew, I don't want this carrot by me"
Friend: Would you say you don't Carrot all for it?
I laughed so hard because I really do appreciate dad jokes.
Roof! Roof! Roof!
Apparently he has to many unpaid barking tickets.
Roof roof roof
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didnβt have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit β‘What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Itβs a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind itβs tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I donβt think itβs feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Thereβs a new type of broom out, itβs sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels canβt tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, itβs pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldnβt control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit β‘The police came to my house earlier and said that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said, βYou must be joking, my dog hasnβt got a bikeβ.
β I WALKED INTO THE HOUSE THE OTHER DAY AND MY DAD WAS CHOPPING UP ONIONS AND I STARTED CRYINGβ......βONIONS WAS A GREAT LITTLE DOG.β
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