The Digest Puns

It's graze anatomy.

Yeah... they’re called HoloGrahams.

;

"Are you shitting me?"

Now every other type of coffee is un-civet-lysed

The ending was shit.....

He couldn’t stomach her

Hope this is the right sub but this is something I need to share. Do not eat peanuts right now, if you do examine them carefully. There has been a fungus that has infected most of the peanut crops in north America. From the outside they look fine but if you bite into the nut you may notice a small black center. By then it's too late. The black center at early stages can cause digestive issues but if the entire nut is black it can cause failure of the nervous system and respiratory complications. There are pests that have laid their eggs in these plants and tiny microorganisms have developed in these plants. They leech into the fruit causing the black color. Ingestion can cause all sorts of troubles from diarrhea to death. These creatures are fatal. That's why you should always watch out for the creature from the black legume.

We either digest the clown, or we die jesting!

The Semi-truck’s digestive system

The health of your digestive system is too important to leave up to amateur biotics

Me: Why is Eurovision going to look so good on TV this year?

Dad: Why?

Me: Because it’s 2020

Me: Plumbing is like the digestive system of a house, and turning on the taps is like it going pee.

Dad: Okay?

Me: Let that sink in.

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

Should've waited to digest before the exercise, the cramps were a bitch.

Right after a large chicken dinner, my wife and I were sitting on the couch letting everything digest. A little flirting commenced, but we knew it wasn't going anywhere immediately b/c we were stuffed.

Wife: maybe a little later. Me: oh, is there a 2 hour wait between chicken and pork?

The groan was deafening. I regret nothing.

Years ago, my Aunt Ann ate a couple of hot dogs at the county fair, and afterward experienced some... digestive difficulties. I declared it The Diarrhea of Ann's Franks.

and that's only to see the readers digest.

For all of my life, my brain has played a soundtrack. At all times, in all places, I hear music going through my head, from the moment I awaken in the morning until I go to sleep at night. I can only shut it off by listening to other music, watching a movie, etc. but it soon starts up again once the outside source of stimulus is removed.

Yesterday I was travelling. When I visited the restroom prior to boarding my flight, the the music in my head suddenly switched tracks from "I've Been Everywhere Man" (that got really old after the first hour. Oy!) to "Africa" by Toto. "That's odd", I thought to myself, "the music in my head usually doesn't switch tracks unless something has changed around me." I finished my business, cleaned up, stood up, and turned around to flush.

Then I saw it. There, emblazoned on the porcelain, was the word "TOTO". The manufacturer of the toilet. "Nice job, brain, funny, hah-hah," I thought to myself.

The song in my head came to an abrupt halt. Silence, for just one moment. Blessed silence. Rare for me. Then I realized. My brain was giving me time to digest the previous joke. Waiting for me to think I'd arrived at the punch line. Pausing for a beat before it delivered the next one. "Africa" started over again, telling me exactly why the DJ deciding songs in my head had picked this exact moment, this exquisite situation, this exact set of circumstances to deliver the internal Dad Joke of the year:

"Doodoo doo-doo doodoo do dooooooooo...."

The professor was discussing a new section in math class today and told us we have to digest all the new information. I told her I couldn't because I am math intolerance. Groans where heard for miles.

Dad: Your mother and I will be out for the night for our Tango lessons.

Me: Oh yea, ok can I have some money for Dinner?

Dad: Oh my I don't think you would be able to digest the metal and all that paper and plastic.

Me: ...What?

Dad: You asked If you could have money for dinner, I thought that to be a bit odd.

Me: Oh my God, Dad!

I was having dinner with a friend's family. Her grandmother starts telling us about her secret to cooking digestible beans. She says the secret is to boil them with a little baking soda to release excess gas.

Her dad is listening and perks up when she says this. "you know her real secret right? She only cooks 239 beans at a time"

We all look at him puzzled, grandma included.

"Well if she cooked one more they would be too farty!" (240)

Visited my dad tonight: he seemed a little under the weather. I asked what was wrong and he said he was having digestive problems because he'd eaten "Black Bean and Andouille Sausage" soup for lunch.

"The beans I can handle, but the sausage was my andouilling."

While at lunch with my father yesterday...

Me: I think I'm gonna get the steak tartare burger.

Dad: Sounds rough

Me: What do you mean, pop?

Dad: Well, I have a pretty strong stomach, but at this age, digesting raw meat is a whole different animal.

Thanks, dad.

About a week before this, I had my dad and stepmom proofread an essay of mine.

Me: "So I got a C+ on that paper from last week. Apparently my formatting was weird and I didn't make it 'digestible' enough for the readers."

Dad: "Oh wow, I suppose that's my fault. I didn't know we were supposed to eat it."