What a legend
This was said to me just now by my 3 year old. So proud! Got a real eye roll from my wife too, so I know it was a good one. Tinged with sadness though, as it reminds me own dad, who went out to get milk and never came back
EDIT: Thanks for all the karma; I really don’t deserve it.
Just in case.
You have just staged a coupe.
How much do you whey?
"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."
He doesn't realise I've Reddit.
It’s about dam time.
I work in long term healthcare and every year, we fill out a sheet that details what is Important To and Important For for every person that we support just to help keep things in perspective.
During our meeting, my supervisor said, "okay, that's the Important To. Let's move on to Important For.
I raised my hand and said, "Wait! You skipped Important Three!"
when a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail
I said "Defeat of deduct go over defense before detail."
That's why he makes the big bucks.
I’m still a little hazy on the details, but apparently they were arguing over whether the herd of animals we’d passed was buffaloes or some variety of mountain goat.
It was gnus to me.
The strangest thing happened . I just finished cooking breakfast for me and my son and the doorbell rings .. I go to answer it, and it's a panda bear. As soon as I open the door he barged in and ran straight to the kitchen and ate all the breakfast I had just cooked. Then he went for the refrigerator and cleaned it out. He ate everything. I was angry. So I went to get my rifle but he was too fast. He pulled out two pistols and start shooting my place up. He must have emptied four magazines. But when I was at a food and he was out of ammo, he just walked back out the door and left the scene.
We were all okay but I had to still call the police and report so I could make a homeowners insurance claim.. but when I called them, they acted like it was no big deal. I described it in detail and they said, "yeah, that sounds about right." They said, "that's just what panda bears do. It's typical panda bear behavior." Ultimately, they couldn't do anything about it
That just seemed so strange though. Panda bears seem so peaceful. But I googled it, and they were right. It said, Panda Bear: eats shoots and leaves..
🤨🐼😏
My professor named one of her essay’s “the missionary position” on a topic about missionary work so…don’t hold back
ps: if u need more details on the article (or ab what trans generational trauma is) lmk bc it’s written already
EDIT: thank you for the ideas- y’all are too funny
Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.
3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.
5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”
A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.
A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”
A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.
A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.
A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”
Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.
Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.
Can February March? No, but April May!
Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.
Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!
Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.
Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!
Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape
... keep reading on reddit ➡Officers state that the details are sketchy
The devil's in the detail.
The Warden said "he's a little condescending"
You really have to pay close attention to the minute details.
Experts say it is the best yeti!
They're calling it "Fiddy's witty itty bitty nitty gritty city kitty ditty".
But the details just didn't add up.
Because the devil's in the details!
I cant remember all the details, but it'll come back to me eventually
The players went on “strike”, but I’ll “spare” you all the details.
The police investigating the crime scene says that the details are sketchy.
... so he insisted his friends attend practice over and over again to get all the details right, from the music to the speeches to the lowering of the coffin at the end.
He just loved rehearsing.
A frog goes into a bank to get a loan, he goes up to the teller, who's name was Patty and said,
"Hi, I'd like to get a loan out for a new lillypad.
Patty thought the situation was weird but complied with the frog's request anyway. She started off by asking the frog's name.
"What is your name?"
"My name is Kermit," the frog replied, "Kermit Jagger"
Patty was confused, "Why is your last name Jagger?"
"Well you see my father is Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones."
Patty, was still confused, "That's a weird last name for a frog."
Kermit, being somwhat offended, asked her in response,
"Well what is your last name if you don't mind me asking?"
"My last name is Whack." She responded
"Well that's a weird last name for a human." Kermit said.
So they move on and Patty gets more of Kermit's details and when she was finished, she asked him if he had any collateral.
Kermit pulled out a little porculan figurine of a pink elephant, Patty looks at the figurine and tells the frog she needs to show it to her supervisor. She goes to her supervisor and tells him, "Here's a frog out there named Kermit Jagger who wants to take out a loan for a lillypad, he's using this as collateral."
Her supervisor looks at the elephant figurine, and he tell her,
"That's a knick knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
I won't give you all the details, but let's just say some words were exchanged.
I guess the devil is in the details ..
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first then detail...
When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first the detail
He was the first of his siblings to have a child.
They were all there when he brought the kid home.
There were a bunch more details to the joke (I'm probably telling it wrong)
And it was only funny because of all of the nuance.
The details went over my head but he certainly knows his shit.
I told her I was more of a big picture kind of guy.
"Detail?! I thought that was what you grab a cat by"
After all a car wash is best with the miner details.
