Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.

She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….

EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❀️

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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Can I claim an Eastern European exchange student as a dependent to reduce my income below the phaseout threshold?

I’m hoping to get a stimulus Czech.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CombatCarlsHand
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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What is the most co-dependent of all the pastas?

Cannelloni

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PiousZenLufa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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Caveman 1: "I've heard that a dinosaur won't hurt me if I carry a club. Is that true?"

Caveman 2: "That depends on how fast you carry the club."

(Yes, I'm aware of the anachronisms.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wimpykidfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
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I built a catapult that can send a human from the USA all the way to Africa

What country you end up in depends on the Angola approach

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xtilexx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
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If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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What part of a syringe is the most dependant of the other parts?

The need-le.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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At the height of my lunacy, I would dig in my lawn like my life depended on it.

It's all well now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Veni
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
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Is life worth living ?

It depends upon the liver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyborg_robot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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A man decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse, and goes to a local breeder

Not having much knowledge of the animals, he asks the owner to show him around and tell him about different breeds. "Sure, let's go," says the owner, and brings him over to the paddocks.

"So a lot depends on what you want the animal for," he says, and gestures to a powerful stallion running laps. "Over there, you've got your Type A horse: strong, fast, and a little unpredictable, but great if you want to get somewhere in a hurry."

"I think that'd be a little much for me," the man says, and the owner nods, then brings him over to see a mare quietly chomping at some hay in the shade. "This is a Type B horse - tends to be quiet and they're good companions, but not much for doing work."

The man pauses to think about what he wants the animal for, then looks over at a nearby pond and sees a horse swimming and diving over and over again. "What the heck is that one doing?" he asks the owner. "Oh, him? That's a C horse."

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Where do Squirrels go during Hurricanes?

It depends on which direction the wind is blowing.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dennyitlo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
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What's a cavern?

Depends on the calves job.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wage_slave
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
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"Hey Superman, are you a part of a gang?"

"Several, actually, depending on the day. I'm a kryptonight."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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Just another viral rant.

All right reddit, I have to get this off my chest. I’m absolutely SICK of this pandemic. Everywhere I go, I’m constantly being PESTERED to wipe down surfaces and sanitize my hands. It’s a complete infestation of my personal space!

Let’s face it, our ailing democratic rights have taken a huge hit. And this is a symptom of a larger problem. Namely, our ruling class seems totally impaired! We are being totally ill-informed by people who claim they know everything about this disease.

For example, this whole situation has been plagued with problems since the beginning! It’s a scourge on what’s left of humanity.

So I say, it’s time to break out of the shackles and seize our lives back! We need to combat this virus that flew around the world with everything we’ve got. Because this lock down is bugging the hell out of me! This is a cold call to do your part. The health of our society depends on it!

Happy quarantine, everyone!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daloonik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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Normal is just the same as average...

So if thats true then depending on where you are you would be of an average race, have average hair, etc.

And going down from that, alot of people have the same name, making certain names normal or "average".

What im saying is, thats a really complicated way to find the average Joe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superdolmiosauce
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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I've started a new competitive pun gameshow podcast entitled 'Punnit' and I'm looking for contestants! First two episodes in the comments.

'Punnit' is hosted by myself and played over three rounds. The first two rounds consist of one category (say, Musical Genres & Ailments), with each contestant going in turn and giving their best 5 entries. Such as, HIVy Metal, Honky Tonksillitis, Indiegestion etc.

These two categories are known about a week or so prior so everyone can bring their best (or worst, depending on how you look at it) but the third round is entirely on the spot, with the entrants shouting out whatever they can think of for a category. One of the recent being American Presidents & American States, with OklaBama winning that one.

It's all very much in the early stages but I would appreciate both feedback on the format and people getting in touch if they wanna duke it out.

Here are the episodes: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKJOzYgG9MW7CQHAZQahiqw/videos

Follow us too @thepunpodcast

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PattersonHoodlum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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How many feet are in a yard

Depends on how many come to the barbecue

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EasyGmoney
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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Am I the asshole in this situation?

So a bit of background here, I am fully dependent on my carer. Where he goes, I go. What he eats, I have to eat too. And because of that, if he wants to eat the wrong thing, I suffer.

I have no control over what he feeds us and I can't always tolerate the foods he likes. If he eats food that is too spicy, I yell at him. Like a lot. I've even made him cry a few times. But the thing is, I can't control myself. Every time I talk, it is shit for everyone in my vicinity, especially him. That's why I need him as a carer. I really tried to not give him shit for a couple weeks by not talking at all but he thought it was so bad that I did that he took me to the doctor to force me to keep giving out instead of bottling it all up.

I don't know what to do. I'm literally the end point of his digestive system. Am I the asshole?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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How much does a dragon weigh?

Depends on the scales.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HUMANPHILOSOPHER
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
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Trivia question! How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?

It all depends on the conductor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The420Wizard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
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Sometimes after work, I stop in at the local watering hole and enjoy a frosty Heifeweizen.

Depending on the day, I might even drink the whole weizen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealwinterzero
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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A Russian couple is arguing about the weather.

One says it is raining, the other says it is simply a mist.

To settle their dispute, they stop and ask a guard outside the Kremlin for his opinion.

"Rudolph, please help us with this disagreement! Is it raining, or not?"

Rudolph replies, "It is raining."

"I knew we could depend on you, Comrade. You see," he says to his partner, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/finestjuggler
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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The knight had many standing positions for masturbating to chose from

Depending on the circumstances

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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I was directing a film the other day, and there was a lot of confusion as to who was handling all the costumes.

Basically set decoration, we had a small crew. A lot of the actors and the rest of the crew were confused who was in charge of those items. Luckily, Jason was a reliable, honest guy. In fact, he was one of the most honest, dependable people I knew on set.

So that evening before we had dinner together, I called Jason to the center, and thanked him for the quality of work that he'd put out so far, and I said "Props to Jason."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jon-Osterman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
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The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said β€œMike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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How long does it take to reach F from E?

I don't know, depends on the tank.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhymeswithsyringe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2019
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My son has to save the world with Trigonometry.

I told him the Theta the universe depends on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatRaz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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New Year’s resolution

My New Year’s resolution is to be more limber and athletic, so I asked the instructor at my gym: β€œCan you teach me to do the splits in 4 weeks?”

Instructor: ”That depends; how flexible are you?”

Me: ”I can’t make Tuesdays”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chronicdane
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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A guy walks into a bar

he later leaves the bar, because he realizes that his alcohol dependence is driving a wedge between him and his family. After a while he returns to the bar, because he was so drunk that he forgot his wallet their. He then drives home, crashes into his own front lawn, knocks on the door, to find his wife standing their with a bread roller in hand. She asks him, "are you drunk you swine?!" he replies, "no ma'am, I just forgot my wallet at the bar, so I had to swing back and get it....because I was their getting drunk, I'm sorry for lying to you officer..." his wife then leaves him and goes to the same bar to get drunk.... his entire family consists of alcoholics...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nirvanaspirit666
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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My grandad went crazy and stopped wearing his diapers. I guess you could say he’s

off the Depends

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πŸ‘€︎ u/esc_life
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2018
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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"Do you know that an alligator won’t attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

" Really, Honey?"

β€œDepends on how fast you carry the flashlight.”

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
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[Meta] Dadjokes aren't just puns.

As a big proponent of the dadjoke I want to argue that a dadjoke is not just a pun. I see lots of material submitted here that might be better suited for /r/punny.

Speaking as a dad, for me a classic dad joke is highly dependent on the context.

I can't whip out old standbys at any moment and call them proper dadjokes. If I'm driving my kid to school I can't just ask him "Hey, do you know why the kids couldn't see the pirate movie? It was rated aaarrrgh!". That's just a bad joke.

OTOH, if my kid says "are" kinda funny (which he has before), and I make a joke about him being the youngest pirate I know (I may or may not have done this before), then that's a dadjoke. A shitty one, but still a dadjoke. The best context ones are where a situation presents itself and the dad takes the opportunity to make the lame joke (as in a post from awhile back where the OP overheard three or four dads make almost the exact same joke at an aquarium).

Straight up puns should go to /r/punny. Context specific jokes which rely on vagaries of the language or the funny situation, should stay here.

Just my two cents worth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smileyman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
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From the bathroom..

Roommate : Do you have the contact lens solution? Me: Depends, what's the contact lens problem?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clitbeastwood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2014
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My theatre dadjoke

So I just realized that my "epic" theatre joke is also a dadjoke.

Now this requires some explaining before I get to the joke. I just completed my 55th theatre production - mostly community theatre; most designing and running sound, but I get on stage sometimes. A decade or so ago, I came up with a terrible pun. Told it, got groans, and promptly forgot about it.

A production or two later, someone said - "Hey, aren't you going to tell your joke?" It took a little prompting to remind me of it. Once I was reminded, I told the joke - to more groans.

I enjoyed the groans so much - and was touched that someone remembered the joke that I'd forgotten. So I did decide it was going to forevermore be: THE JOKE.

So the NEXT production, I started warning people that "The Joke" was coming. One or two remembered the previous time I'd told it, and reacted - "Oh god. Please no."

So now it has truly become a thing. Every production I'm in, I start reminding people that The Joke is coming, and the reactions from those who know the joke really help set up the anticipation.

So finally it happens. Most theatre productions I've been in run Fri-Sat-Sun performances. And thus, as I explain, I can only tell The Joke after the last Friday night's performance ends, and before the last Saturday's performance begins. It shifts if the days are different because The Joke depends on the number of remaining shows.

So, finally that time period comes, and I explain that I can only tell the joke during that time period, only the once per production - from auditions to strike - and that we're in that period of time.... which is known as.... the "cancer period". AND would you like to know WHY this period of time is known as the "cancer period"?

(at which point the tension for the punchline is usually quite palpable)

"Because we have...... TUMOR!" (as I hold up two fingers).

This is usually followed by shouts to "GET OUT!" and threats of violence against my person. hehehe

And the NEXT time, when I start warning that "The Joke" is coming, most of these groan "Oh god... no...." and helps set it up for the next poor bunch of folks who haven't yet heard it. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsaacEiland-Hall
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2017
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I DadJoked my wife in the car...

We were taking the back roads instead of the highway because the schedule wasn't tight and it was a nice day

We had stopped in a little town and got ice cream as a treat. I was getting a little silly doing voices and accents when we passed a dog kennel business. My wife read the sign:

"Jones' Dog Kennels - Boarding and Breeding"...
She said: "Hmmm... Wonder what they breed"

I piped up in my best hillbilly voice: "Well, that depends on what we're boarding this week."

She spit ice cream all over the windshield and dash.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2014
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Here is my dads riddle. If there's 30 cows and 28 chicken, how many didn't?

10

My dad though this one was great. The pun really depends on the delivery and the fact that it works better when you speak it but I still felt like it needed to be here.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2015
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My dad got me at the adoption center

So we (my sister Shannen, my girlfriend Kallie, and my dad) are adopting a dog today and we are waiting in line for the centert to open.

Shannen: I hear they have a bunch of pit bull mixes.

Me: Do you guys want a pit bull?

Kallie: Pit Bulls are super sweet, it just depends on how they're raised

Dad: I don't know... I don't really like his music

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πŸ‘€︎ u/B_jerrell
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2015
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Best friend's dad's joke

He pulled this one last night at my engagement party, in the midst of making jokes about peeing...

"You know where grandma pees?

...Depends."

>w<

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SomeRough
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
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The Home Depot employee and I had a good laugh girlfriend did not.

We are re-staining the banister in our house to match our new floors. So my girlfriend asked what the process is. The employee starts going on how we need to first use stripper to remove the paint. My girlfriend asked how much are strippers. I quickly responded well it depends on how nice, what time of day and where you go to get your stripper. Everyone had a good laugh my girlfriend was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gingersluck
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
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Sprung this one on the Mrs yesterday

Daughter crying while I check her for the usual suspects (hungry, tired, dirty diaper) Wife: Did Layla poop? Me: No, just pee. Wife: Well would you like to sit in your own piss? Me: Depends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jim-Dread
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2016
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Got my boyfriend the other day

I asked him if we could make plans on his day off. He said it depends on the catch up he has. I asked him, what if it's heinz?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elephanttusk123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2015
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How many feet are in a yard?

Depends on how many people are in the yard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/daniel_m132
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2018
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How many feet are in a yard?

It depends how many people are standing in the yard.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohhfasho
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
🚨︎ report

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