Whst did the Corpse say to the Killer?

"Oh please Carrion"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PickleReaper0
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2022
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Why were the 2 dimensional shapes stressed when they came across the corpse of a 1 dimensional being?

They had reached the deadline

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deciperer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2021
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It didn’t hit me until I noticed the corpse clenching a signed blank check.

Dead giveaway.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gingi0
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2021
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What do you call the corpse of an unidentified baker?

John Dough

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πŸ‘€︎ u/erebus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
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What did the unsure corpse say?

I.D.K.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rayj36
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
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What do you call the carrot on a snowman’s corpse?

No-body nose

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πŸ‘€︎ u/apk5005
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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what happened to the corpse after 10 years

it decade

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nuuuuuuuuuu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
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I don't know why you missed getting a free corpse at the cemetery.

The sign was a dead giveaway

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BunzarTheFuzzy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
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Why did the weightlifter go to the morgue to get a corpse?

His specialty was the dead lift.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cruzinspeed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
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You know those birds and lizards that eat the decaying corpses of other animals?

Sorry, I shouldn't carrion about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LthlPnc
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2019
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Why did the priest give massages to all the corpses he prayed over?

Because he was also a neck-romancer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/merfkvrf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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Rabbit, blonde and farmer

So there's a farmer relaxing on his porch one evening, watching the road in front of his house. A little bunny rabbit hops out of the woods onto the road, just sniffing around.

Well all of a sudden a bright red convertible roars up. There's no time for the rabbit to doge, and the convertible squashes it into a roadkill pancake!

The convertible screeches to a halt down the road a bit, and out hops a blonde. She dances wildly around the bunny's corpse saying things like "oh my gosh" and "I think I killed it" and "I hope this doesn't go on my insurance", then she runs back to her car and grabs a spray can of something and starts going to town with it on the rabbit. I mean this pancake bunnyrabbit corpse is simply soaked in whatever she's spraying it with. She empties the entire can, throws it on the side of the road and runs back to her car.

After she peels out, there's a pause, and then the rabbit comes back to life! It reinflates, hops up and looks around, dazed, and then it waves at the farmer!! It hops down the road a little, turns back, and waves again! This continues until it's out of sight.

Well the farmer is understandably flabbergasted, so he runs over to where there had just been a rabbit pancake to look at what was in the can.

He picks it up, and reads it. It says "Hare restorer and permanent wave."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LegoCMFanatic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2023
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What did the mama strawberry say when she saw the mutilated corpses of her children?

β€œThat’s my jam”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/terfsfugoff
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
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A ghost story

A man and his son are out for a walk one day, while on vacation in rural Alaska. The father says, "Always look both ways before crossing the street." His son disagrees, "it's the middle of nowhere, there's no traffic here!" The argument turns heated and the father is so agitated that he's not paying much attention to his surroundings. Just then the trail crosses an old logging road. Right at that moment a logging truck, the only vehicle for miles, comes out of nowhere and kills the man instantly. Aghast, the son is shocked... and only more so when his father's ghost rises from the corpse. "Dad... can you hear me?" He manages to say. "You're transparent... I can see right through you!" Unperturbed, the ghost turns toward his son with a triumphant smile. "There now, I believe... I've made myself clear!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EarlGreymalkin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2023
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The Pastor's last-minute save

So the sad day comes that a family must lay their grandfather to rest. He wished to be buried alongside his wife in the family plot. Unfortunately the family plot is up a long, tall hill and the access road doesn't reach all the way.

The pallbearers dutifully begin to haul the casket up the hill when disaster strikes! One of the pallbearers twists his ankle and instinctively grabs for the casket to steady himself, resulting in all the other pallbearers falling along with him and grandpa going Rogue, his casket sliding down the hill and steadily gaining speed. People are leaping, diving, scrabbling to try to stop their runaway corpse when the pastor charged with giving the graveside sermon calmly reaches into his pocket, retrieves a piece of candy, and--with expert aim--tosses it ahead of the casket. When it reaches where the candy dropped the casket stops dead in its tracks. One of the family members, surprised beyond grief, asks "What on earth did you throw!?"

The pastor responds "Oh, ever since I started doing these services regularly I've kept a packet of lozenges with me. They help stop the coffin."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Karkadon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2022
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So the morgue nearby claims to have the best facilities to take care of corpses after they're dead...

They must be right, as everybody is dying to get there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZSSDistortion
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2016
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A man was arrested for handing out corpses on the street...

talk about a dead giveaway!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisIsBanned
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
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I just realized something

If you put yeast in a corpse instead of embalming fluid, the dead will start to rise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WillRbrts
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2022
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In a galaxy far far away....

Once upon a time an astronaut landed on an alien world. The world was full of trees and plants and wildlife. But one species in particular caught his eye. Short and round with huge feet, they were kind. They sang songs all day, drank, and made merry. After observing them from afar for many days, the astronaut decided to approach them and make first contact. Upon speaking to them, he found that they called themselves the Jibbles.

The astronaut lived amongst the Jibbles for many years and found that they used a unique series of toe rings as currency.Β  Unable to pronounce their word for the currency, he called them ToeKins, chuckling to himself at his pun.

As the years went by, the astronaut learned of a war-like race of Jibbles. They came to his village and raided their supplies. They beat up several of the sweet Jibbles, and they threatened the astronaut. Months of this had the sweet Jibbles exhausted, and the astronaut hatched a plan.

Taking all the gear from his spaceship, he snuck away to the mean Jibbles camp in the night. He met with their leader and offered him his wealth in order to buy a peace between their villages. Seeing the array of technology the astronaut had brought, the chief agreed to his terms. The astronaut asked for a sign of good faith he could show his village when he returned. So the chief removed one of his toe rings, took a knife, and sketched a crude picture of a jibble and the astronaut holding hands. This he gave to the astronaut.

Returning home, the astronaut declared that there was now peace amongst their villages! The Jibbles drank and made merry and everyone wanted to see the gift from the other tribe. Late that night, when everyone had gone to sleep drunk, the mean Jibbles snuck into camp and killed them all. Turning over the astronauts corpse, they found they couldn't remove the ring from his hand.

And that's why you shouldn't trust non-fun-Jibble-toekins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacAtack3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2022
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On a lone expedition through Bangladesh, I made the rookie mistake of exhausting my food supply.

After four days of nothing to eat I was delirious from starvation. In my desperation I went hunting for the first thing that looked remotely appetizing. Soon I stumbled upon an indigenous macaque, and with a focused throw of my spear I skewered it in one hit.

Only half the battle was over, though. I had no idea what to do with this corpse. I've cooked easy things like beef, poultry, and pork but never a monkey. Fortunately, a wandering traveler came by, so I asked him how I should prepare it. He said, "That's easy. Just boil the monkey. Nice and fast." Then he left.

While it did sound easy, boiled meat usually doesn't taste good. However, another wandering traveler soon meandered by, so I asked him what to do. He said, "If you're patient and want good flavor, slowly spit roast the monkey over a fire." He then walked away.

That sounded much better, but I was too hungry to wait that long. As fate would have it, a third wandering traveler sauntered by, so I asked for his advice. He said, "If you're pressed for time but still want something delicious, then skin the monkey, render its fat, and deep fry the meat in its own fat." He went on his way.

I had three unique options to pick from, and while I hadn't immediately chosen one I definitely learned something new:

There's no wrong way to eat a rhesus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2021
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Being undead only sometimes sucks.

I wondered why zombies, ghouls, and vampires are so closely associated. After all, why would decaying shambling corpses be associated with the suave Dracula-esque? then it hit me:

Most vampires are necromancers, but not all necromancers are vampires.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ojiji_bored
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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When a soldier dies

do they become part of the marine corpse?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/diego_godean
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2017
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How do Zombies serve their country?

They join the Marine Corpse.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daxdax_Universe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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Dad Joked in Dragon Age

My character and his companions are walking around a dwarven ruin when a conversation occurs between two of them that goes something like this:

"You hadn't written me since the day that explosion happened! If you had died in that I would've come and dug up your corpse just to kick your ass."

The NPC in question says "what would you have done if I had been cremated?"

"I would have kicked your ash"

No groans from the other NPCs occurred but mine was certainly audible from my room.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cooley327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2015
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"Why did they bury them?"

Today over supper, we were talking about a cemetery nearby which was recently discovered to contain centuries-old tombstones buried along with the corpses underground. I found this to be strange since typically the tombstones are above ground. During the conversation, this happened:

Me: "Why did they bury them?"

Dad: "Because they were dead!"

... the tombstones dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BananApocalypse
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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