The Cord Puns

So I had to ground him He’s doing better currently And conducting himself properly...

Dad looks at his newborn and says, "You heard the doc, you've got 30 days to find a job and move out."

It left him speechless

It was nervous.

Seriously, what a power trip.

“What’s all this for?” he asked...

“Well” I replied, “I’ve heard that if you give a man enough rope, he will hang himself”.

It's a tendon C I have.

He's cockadoodledoing alright now

The results speak for themselves.

Was working on a high end home, just trying to hide a wire that went out to a wine cooler, and my boss accidentally pulls the cord out and says,

"Sorry fridge!"

Without skipping a beat, I reply,

"Don't worry, it's cool!"

I'm no dad, but he is, and he thought it was hilarious, and that he would tell his wife that one later.

he said his back locked up

"What are you doing? Making a long distance call?"

He was so proud of the joke he called me in as the only other person who would appreciate it.

The piece a cord.

I think it's time to cut the cord.

So today my dad had a stroke and while we were waiting for doctors to come back he grabbed all the cords to the ekg cords connected to him and said, "I feel like I'm behind the TV!"

My dad always makes jokes in time of panic and pain. I guess that's where I get it from.

Wife calls me over to the computer.

Wife: Honey, can you take a look at these shoes for our daughter? They are shock cord bur I don't see a tightener. And I dont know if they tie.

Me: Well, maybe they are Vietnamese.

They're afraid of the unbiblical cord.

Chester, the defendant, stood in front of the judge's imposing bench, waiting patiently for the reason why he was there. To further muddle the moment, he stared at items unfamiliar to him, at least in that context.

Perched on and near His Honor's desk were the following: A DuraLast Ultra in one car with a long, black cord stretching to another car, several alkaline D cells plugged into a black box, and lastly, a cell phone with its cord sticking into the wall.

Finally removing Chester's questioned look was his attorney leaning into his ear to whisper, "It's official, now: You're facing battery charges."

If you're skydiving and your parachute cord is tangled, don't worry about it. You have the rest of your life to figure it out.

My son had just been born, I'm talking freshly cut cord. My mother comes in to see him and notices a bottle of baby shampoo on the table.

"Ooh is that Baby Magic," she asks.

"Nah, he's just an ordinary baby."

Then I realized I was a real dad.

...We were walking through the lounge room with the cord still plugged in to my belt and I said to my wife, "Hey baby! Look at me! I'm a walk-man!"

So I'm just going to begin this story with myself coming home from school after a long day. My sister after doing everything around the house asked me if I could walk the dog. "Yeah sure! No problem." No problem. So I plug in my headphones and leave to take her for a walk. So I left the house and within 5 minutes my dog had sat down and refused to move until at least 10 people had passed for no real reason. She then proceeded to rear up on her hind legs and drop possibly the biggest crap pattie I had ever seen come out of this dog. Luckily for a change I have bags so no biggie, I pull one out, bend over and suddenly my music gets slightly quieter. Now, after a long day of studying and tests and whatnot I didn't really notice what had happened until I went to stand up and felt the slightest resistance in the cord, I look down only to see my earbud covered in dog crap. I had no choice but to un plug my headphones and abandon them like a wounded soldier in battle. Of corse I come home to see my dad and my sister sitting on the couch talking about their day only to see me walk in looking a bit angry. "Hey what's up with you?" My Sister asks, "Like why do you look so grumpy?" In my mood after this irritating mishap I can only grumble "I dropped my headphones in her turd" I reply, only for my dad to retort with "Hey, how about you stop listening to shitty music for a change!"

I hope you enjoyed the story of my struggle, he said this and all I could think of was posting this.

Friend: I have that cord for your roommate if he still wants it.

Me: I'm sure he does. What are you up to tonight?

Friend: Watching some Netflix then hitting the hay.

Me: What did the hay do to deserve that?

Friend: Got on my last straw.

I was cleaning up the kitchen some when I noticed an errant electrical cord. I picked it up and realized it belonged to the deep fryer.

 

I picked up the cord and said, "Now where is the fryer?" To which my Daughter replied without missing a beat, "In the monastery."

 

I walked right into that one.

My wife's going out of town, and I mentioned that we should make a run to the grocery store before she leaves. In case either of us get stranded because of snow.

"I just want to make sure it snow problem."

groan

"Hey, you married me, and that snowbody's fault but yours.

Frantically grabs her overear headphones and puts them on. She hasn't yet plugged them in.

"Snow way you can't hear me!" I shout.

She scrambles for the cord plugging it in. A few minutes later she looks up.

"This is how I know you'll make a great dad."

Him: "I wonder what causes frogs to make that sound" (the REEE noise)

Me: "Probably their vocal cords"

In Australia Fathers Day is on the 1st of September. It was a really nice day for Fathers Day where I live, the weather was perfect so this afternoon we were sitting outside in the sun in our backyard which faces a river. A boat went past and we could hear a big dinging noise going on and on, like something metal tied to a cord was flapping around in the wind and banging something else metal.

Dad pipes up, "God, if I was that guy in the boat and had to listen to that every time I took it out I'd go crazy! I'd probably even keel over!"

Happy Fathers day Dad :)

how come nobody has tripped over the power cord?

My brother and I were helping my dad clean out the basement when my brother found an interesting extension cord.

Brother: "Hey, this extension cord has two male ends!" Dad: "Huh, well that's queer."

I was delivered via C-section due to the cord being wrapped around my neck. My dad was telling the story about how he was so scared for me and my mom, and then when I came out everything turned out to be alright. So then my dad says he went to cut my umbilical cord and the doctor screams "NO THATS NOT THE UMBILICAL CORD!" as he cuts it.

He's such a dick. No pun intended.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.