Just seen a real bear claw for the first time ever,

Those donught shops been ripping me off for years

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfordthethird
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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If you were to reveal your self as a furry, does it mean you came out the claw-set
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/marc_20_21_02
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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Whats the difference between a cat and a comma? A cat has claws at the end of its paws, and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skee_bott
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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I labeled the four 'claws' on my car's jumper cables

One on each of the two positive and two negative ends:

Jed. Jethro. Granny. Ellie Mae.

("the Clamp-its.")

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone4011s
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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What's the difference between a cat and a dog?

One has claws and the other has nails

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PimentonVerde
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
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I have scratched and clawed to become the chairman of this company

I am now the #1 chair maker of the company.

Though, looking back, it seemed unethical, considering the fact that tools exist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Gentlemanbird
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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How can you tell if the Christmas crab has been to your house?

By the sandy claws tracks..... my dad just told my brothers and I that one now. Not sure if it’s been posted already

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/corn0nthe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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Santa is like a cat-burglar

...he even has the claws.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salazarjohann
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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Nickolodean are doing an underwater version of paw patrol starting crabs

It's called Claw Patrol.

I managed to get a groan and an eye roll from the wife for that one

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xoke
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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There was a weird Crab

Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.

His other crab people used to be away from him. Due to this sound.

Once he was captured by a predator and was bumped on a rock and got loose from the predators grip and ran away.

After the bump his ta-ta-ta-ta sound went away automatically.

Since that incident, he got friends and a new name- Santa Claus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/happy_anand
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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Why did the Wolverine impersonator keep his job a secret?

He was afraid to come out of the claw-set.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SammiKS
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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Which song did the brave rat loved singing to his grandchildren ?

"I fought the claw, and the claw won, I fought the claw, and the claw won !"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
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How do you get a teddy bear across the border?

You snuggle it across. If you cant bear to do that you are borderline insane, its not even against the claw!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2015
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I came home to see my 2 year old Tabby had destroyed my favorite couch.

All I could think was, "You've cat to be kitten me right meow." I'm torn on how I feel about her... I wish I could retract what she did but there's no point getting clawed up in the negative emotions.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chucos007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2013
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My dad to my daughters this morning at breakfast....

Q: Do you know what you would have if every car in the u.s. was pink? A: A pink carnation

Q: What does a cat in the desert and Christmas have in common? A: SandyClaws

Q: What do a plum and an elephant have in common? A: They're both purple except for the elephant.

Q: Do you know how you get down from an elephant? A: You don't... You get down from a goose.

Q: How do you if an elephant has been hiding in your fridge? A: there are footprints in the cheesecake.

There were dozens more....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealsmitty
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2013
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Did you hear about when the Invisible Man attacked the horses outside the cabin?

He clawed the reins.

(If you didn't get this, Congratulations! you're not that old!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2016
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when my cat was sleeping in a comma shape

(Pic)

"Does she have claws at the end of her paws, or is she a pause at the end of a clause?"

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/friedseitan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2015
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"If Elvis were alive today he'd still be singing"

to which my uncle replied "I'm pretty sure he'd be clawing at the inside of his coffin"

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stkas
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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Cat-tastrophe

While petting my cat, she placed her paw over my arm, threatening to unsheathe the razor-sharp claws into my forearm. I turn to my dad. "Dad, she's holding me hostage with her paw." "Looks like she has paw-wer over you." Groans insue. Cat leaves.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bioman2222
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2015
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On the way to school this morning...

Kid 2: I'd like to go to the International Owl Center Me: WHO do you think owns that? Kid 1: sigh - dad, that's not funny Me: I thought I really had my claws into that one Kid 1: Dad, they've got talons, not claws, now you're just being cheesy Me: I'm gouda at that

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PapaMammatus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2014
🚨︎ report
What is the difference between a cat and a compound statement?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of its clause!

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanguard_The
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a Cat and a Comma?

One has claws at the end of the paws... The other is a pause at the end of a clause.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma

One has claws at the end of its paws, one is a pause at the end of a clause

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Electro_Nick_s
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
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What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has a pause at the end of its clause and one has claws at the end of its paws.

πŸ‘︎ 261
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBungulo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and one is a pause at the end of a clause

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SummonerSpell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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What's the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws, at the end of its paws, The other has a pause... at the end of its clause!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacobaker1313
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
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What's the difference between a cat's nails and a comma?

One are claws at the end of paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

My dad just told me this, btw.

πŸ‘︎ 164
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drassaultrifle
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2017
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What's the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws; the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gt0t
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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What is the difference between a cat and a comma?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nievesio145
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad just sent me this one...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

πŸ‘︎ 319
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilaregenbogen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
🚨︎ report
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows in the Greater Boston area recently.

There was concern that they might have died from Avian Flu. An avian pathologist examined the remains of the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not avian flu. The cause of death was vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that nearly 96% of the crows had been struck by trucks, while only 4% were car impacts.

The MTA then hired an Ornithological Behavourist to determine the reason for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills vs car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat roadkill, they have a look-out crow nearby to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah!", none could shout "Truck!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisissami
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
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Dad just sent me this. I buried my face in my hands.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slidewriter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad just emailed me this article about a crow problem in Boston

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." Absolutely amazing!

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dysenterygary69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Just got this in an email from my dad.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Amazing!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mathliability
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
🚨︎ report

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