β€œI love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. β€œAll you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. β€œWhat did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...

β€œYou herd me!"

πŸ‘︎ 786
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.

I ran out of thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedShirtCashion
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
My cheap noble challenged the election results.

It was a discount viscount recount.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShiftyMcShift
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
It's the opposite day and my friend challenges me in tic tac toe. when it's his turn, he grabs the pencil by his foot. I ask him why and he responds:

"I'm playing the toe tactic"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aglaz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I challenged my entire family to see who could fast the longest.

You could say my competition is getting slim.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theonlyMOONMAN
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I was challenged to a race by the same British-made car I was driving...

It was a Jag war.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Never challenge death to a pillow fight. Unless you are prepared for the reaper cushions.
πŸ‘︎ 504
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sveil96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I challenged my friend to see who could make the best anti-gravity car

His was better and it drove me up the wall

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TGC_YT
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
🚨︎ report
The musical saw is the most challenging instrument

They’re always a bit sharp.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BHK1961
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I only watch the first two-thirds of every Great British Baking Show episode.

The final challenge is a real showstopper.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lanman33
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,

But I’ll learn to deal with it.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gladhandz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Finding where M starts in the dictionary was incredibly challenging.

I went through L to get there.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
The knight times are a little challenging.
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Sans does the Ice Bucket Challenge

Sans Underpail

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VanillaHysteria
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
🚨︎ report
So... A fighter in the coliseum faced a strange challenge...

He was presented a beautiful lady and told he had to kill her with cannibalism. This fighter has a good heart and could never do this, but if he did not oblige than both would die. He beat her to death and fed on the remains. Afterwards, it was revealed that the lady was actually quite evil and murdered children.

The camera pans out, it's Russell Crowe, he is Glad-he-ate-her.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Reddit_Rabit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the trashtag challenge?

Apparently, it's sweeping the nation.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schklonk
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the vertically challenged wood carver?

He was just a whittle guy

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/freedoomed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I successfully completed the "No Shave November" challenge.

I also lost my job as a barber in the process.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Race horse Pat

There was a race horse named Pat, who was one of the greatest race horses to ever live. He set records that were near impossible to beat. After a long time of racing, he retired to an old stable with some old friends. They were very happy that he retired there to stay with him, and congratulated him on all of his records that he set.

Once Pat retired, he started keeping track of all the up and coming horses that were winning a lot. There was a race horse named Charlie that was doing really great and winning all his races. Pat saw this horse and watched him race. Charlie started to break all of Pat’s records and Pat was a little upset with this.

After a while, Charlie decided to retire after an extremely successful career in racing. By chance, Charlie decided to retire at the same stable that Pat retired in. When Charlie entered the stable, everyone went up to him to congratulate him on his records and wins. Pat went up to Charlie and said, β€œHey Charlie congratulations on all of your wins! You broke a lot of my records and I was very impressed.” Charlie responds, β€œgo away old man, I’m better than you ever were.” Pat was blown away by his response. He galloped away from Charlie with defeat.

After a while of thinking, Pat decides to challenge Charlie to a race. Charlie agreed to it and wanted to race right away. He said β€œWe will race to the tree over there and turn around and come back and whoever gets there first will be the winner.” Pat was still healthy but he needed a few weeks to get his legs back into shape for the race. Charlie gives Pat 2 weeks to get ready.

After 2 weeks pass, they are ready to race. β€œHey Pat, before we race I want to warn you that I win my races by passing them by the end. So don’t get all cocky and think you are going to win.” Charlie says. Pat thanks him for the warning and they start getting set to race.

The gun sounds and they are off to race. Pat starts out in front, and nears the finish. Out of know where, Charlie zooms ahead of Pat and wins the race.

Pat was very disappointed in his loss, but congratulated Charlie anyways. A dog comes up to them and says, β€œWow, that was a fantastic race! Neither of you should be upset with that. You both were so great!” Charlie looks to Pat and Pat looks to Charlie. They are astonished. Charlie says, β€œSay that again! Say it again!” The dog says a little confused, β€œWell I just said that you both were so great out there.” Pat says, β€œCharlie! It’s a talking dog!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnappyOrange69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Probably not very many women are doing the tide pod challenge

But it's a lot more difficult to deter gents.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chopchopchops
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2018
🚨︎ report
A Buddhist monk leave the monastery...

Dissatisfied with the style of life that he found there, The Monk decides to move into a suburban neighborhood and start up his own line of work. Being trained in the peaceful ways he gets on very well with his neighbours who eventually notice that he has a very strange profession. Despite being very strong and very philosophical The Monk elects to repeatedly visit places with broken fences and remove and replace them.

One day has neighbour approaches him and asks, "with the physical strength and mental capacity that you seem to have, are you not interested in a more physically or mentally challenging job?"

To which The Monk replies, "but everybody knows reposting gives you the most karma."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
There once lived a knight who was the strongest around. Legend says he ran circles around any who challenged him. His name:

Sir Cumference

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirTurkTurkelton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
🚨︎ report
The Challenge of Invading China
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife asked, β€œHoney, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”

It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The time I was foolishly challenged to a dad-joke off.

I am well known among my friends as a Pungeon Master, but my brother foolishly decided to challenge me.

We went back and forth for a while, the theme ocean/fish puns. Finally, I busted out the nuclear strike that caused him to literally get up and walk away.

Me: Why are fish all atheists?

Brother: Why?

Me: Cause they're all, "Ick, theology."

Silent, he stood, left the restaurant and drove off. He was my ride T-T

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Codoro
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2016
🚨︎ report
[request] As a challenge: Pun about the Harlem Renaissance

I can't think of anything clever.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealsung
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
🚨︎ report
The last Czar challenged Santa Claus to compete against him in a marathon...

It was the closest race ever.

The entire time, they were Nick and Nick.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a group of dads doing the mannequin challenge?

Ice Pops.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Josstralia
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2017
🚨︎ report
Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best...

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey stood nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength. None in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all... hawk, lion and stinker.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm really good at the mannequin challenge....

In all my photos.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wabbbit7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2016
🚨︎ report
Facing The Ice Bucket Challenge

My older sister was challenged by a cousin to do the ALS ice bucket challenge thingy.

In an email she says, "Gonna make a creative ice bucket video. Just wait til you see what I'm up to, yall."

My dad responds, " 5'8"? 5'9"? "

Simple, yet effective

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alamodafthouse
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
🚨︎ report
I recently went to a joke bar with a couple of friends...

Persons volunteer to tell jokes and whoever laughs has to pay $5. Since my friends and I were all lovers of quality humor, we accepted this challenge.

The guy proceeds to tell his joke and I've never laughed so hard in my life, my friends had tears in their eyes as well, from this clever witty joke.

We all proceed to grab our cash and pay him to which he replied:

"Don't worry about it guys, the joke's on me"

I gave him my wallet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaynesky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Biggest Number Contest

20 Was in the lead "24 the win!" The crowd shouted. Sadly 30 challenged him and 31. But they realized it was a tie! Because 0, 1, 2! And they all 8 together, The end.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlayCC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
🚨︎ report
[HELP] Need help coming up with a certain good pun info in desc.

Hi all, sorry for the unorthodox post, but i really need help coming up with a specific pun. You see, this girl called eve challenged me to think of a non-obvious pun for her name that is still good and so far the best i can think of is something to do with an apple(like out of the bible) any chance you could help out a brother in need? Any input welcome.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a little known country in central Europe that is ruled by a monarchy...

Not many people are aware of its existence but I assure that it is there all the same. The king of this little land faces a lot of difficulty. He wants to make his kingdom into a sovereign nation but unfortunately they do not have the infrastructure, population, or economy to do so. In fact, this small state is only known for a single export. Thanks to their proximity to some of the finest gold and other metals in the world but total lack of an ability to process those metals on a mass scale, they have been left with only one option. You know the saying; when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Make lemonade they did. This tiny territory is renowned for creating the highest quality watches in the world. No expense is spared and their elite group of craftsmen train for their entire lives from childhood to produce these terrific timepieces. Men of great wealth and taste have been known to trade entire fortunes for just a single one of these watches; that is how valuable they are.

The king knows this and he knows that only a small portion of his populace can ever hope to become one of the respected elite, let alone hold one of their masterpieces in their own hands. Being a very just and fair man, the king ordered the most senior watchmaker in the land to create something the likes of which had never been seen. A watch of such great craftsmanship so as to be above monetary value. The man labored long and hard for many nights to produce the king's watch. When he at last presented the completed work to his lord - in front of the entire nation, no less - he was met with thunderous applause and a warm embrace. He had done it! The king then made a shocking announcement.

"This masterpiece belongs to my people!"

When the roaring of the crowd died down he continued.

"This watch shall be a symbol of my love for all of you. Though I rule over you with supreme authority I do not wish a single one of you to feel that you do not have a voice in the ruling of this nation. From this day on let anyone who doubts my decisions or questions my judgment wear this watch and stand as my equal to voice their concerns. Should even a single one of you think me unfair or wrong in any matter then simply come to my castle and I will present you this token of good faith."

The king made good on his word and from that day on all citizens knew they held the right to challenge their king's rulings. Over time the watch became a symbol of fairness throughout the land. Anyone who wore it

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
🚨︎ report
My Dad's Favorite Joke

Okay so the animals have been on the ark for thirty days and thirty nights and frankly they are getting bored. So to provide entertainment B-Deck challenges C-Deck to a game of football. They get it all set up and begin play. B-Deck makes some early gains but C-Deck is unstoppable. They have Rhinoceros and once he gets going you cant stop him. Soon the first half is over and the score is 24-7. The second half begins and while in the huddle Rhinoceros looks over at B-Decks defensive line and sees Centipede on their defensive line. "Give me the ball," he says, "There aren't going to be any centipedes in the new world because I'm crushing this one right here and right now" The Center snaps the ball and the quarterback hands it off to Rhinoceros who begins charging down Centipede. Centipede rears up grabs Rhinoceros by the legs and SLAMS him to the deck. Ball pops loose, centipede grabs the ball. He's rushing down the field weaving in and out and TOUCHDOWN!!! The crowd goes wild! C-Deck's captain, Lion rushes over and says, "Centipede that was amazing! Where were you in the first half?" "Well I was lacing my shoes."

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobby_849
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Had to pick myself up off the floor after this one..

So here in the UK we have a game show called the cube were contestants complete challenges to win cash. On Saturday night a contestant came on and she only had one hand. She walked away with Β£20k.

My sister comes out with she has enough money to buy a new hand now and my dad lays this one on us almost instantly

'she'd have to go to a second hand store'

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrKeenski
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2014
🚨︎ report
I challenged the number 1 to a fight,

but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coolidiot2000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mefingers
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Sans does the Ice Bucket Challenge

Sans Underpail

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VanillaHysteria
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report

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